My ex-Wife's Big Date (Rant)

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My NT wife of 8 years and I got divorced earlier this year.

Since the breakup, neither of us has dated - until yesterday.

She posted her profile on a website last week and was immediate innundated with potential suitors, not surprising because she is young (27) and very attractive.

Last night she had her first date, I agreed to babysit our two children. This is not a problem for me because (like every father) I have the World's Most Adorable Children (tm) and I love to spend time with them.

I thought I would be OK with it, but I actually find myself quite upset - not so much from jealousy but from the fact that brought my romantic difficulties into sharp relief, and it's really depressing.

In just a couple days, she managed to accomplish what would take me literally months of soul-crushing rejection to achieve.

I don't really know what the point of this post is - only that I cannot remember a time when I felt so alone.

Just needed to get it off my chest...

There's not a whole lot to respond to, but I understand your feelings. A lot of us go through that, and worse. Just try to remember that you're not alone, and you've got an entire community trying to crack the secret puzzles of attraction. (How else are we supposed to get a date? )

Thanks for the reply CD.

I wasn't really looking for advice (but that's always appreciated), I just needed to talk about it to hopefully take the edge off my feelings.

I've been completely out of the game for the good part of a decade and now it's all coming back to me (yikes!) - and as of yesterday, I now have a daily reminder of my shortcomings.

Guess I'm now the oldest "tortured twentysomething" on WP!

If you mean that your wife has gotten a date, that has nothing to do with your shortcomings. Were you referring to something else?

[quote="HH] If you mean that your wife has gotten a date, that has nothing to do with your shortcomings. Were you referring to something else?[/quote]

Sorry if I wasn't clear (wouldn't be the first time), it's just that all my ex had to do was make a tiny effort and guys came out of the woodwork - she's very attractive and NT to boot - she took to it like a duck to water.

I on the other hand would never be able to pull that off - but I was in comfortable denial of that fact until yesterday - it's going to be a long, slow process of re-learning what used to work for me on top of the inherent limitations as an Aspie in this regard.

OK, I'm setting a goal: 1st date by June 2011

It's never a good idea to compare your success with internet dating with that of a woman -- women are always far outnumbered on those sites. I could also get a date or 20 in less than a day if I signed up. It's just the mathematics of it, nothing to do with you.

Good point, I never really considered it.

She had about 20 replies within 24 hours, including what seem to be at first at be quality guys.

Interesting side-note: Her and her friend (I believe a bottle of wine was also involved) posted a fake profile along the lines of "hot 22 year old female seeks men for sex" along with a racy photo. About 10 of the guys who wrote to her also responded to the fake profile they posted, resulting in an immediate blacklisting. Clever, no?

OK, so now I know that Internet dating works extremely well for women, but not for men.

Point is that she has an active romantic life, and a boyfriend can't be too far behind.

I do not, nor do I expect to anytime soon - I have to do it the hard way in a miserable uphill battle.

Sometime I wish Al Gore never invented the Internet...

This. After my breakup I decided for sh*ts and giggles to put out profiles for dating. I was inundated within days, and I'm not all that attractive. I'm a woman, and that's all it takes. Those sites are very depressing in my eyes.

[quote="Orbyss]This. After my breakup I decided for sh*ts and giggles to put out profiles for dating. I was inundated within days, and I'm not all that attractive. I'm a woman, and that's all it takes. Those sites are very depressing in my eyes.[/quote]

Why do you thinks this is?

I can come up with a few theories:

1. Cyberspace in general is still disproportionately male (but I think the gap is closing quickly)

2. Women don't approach men (even online), they wait for men to come to them.

3. Security issues - these are awful for women to begin with, but at least IRL you can get a better sense if the guy is a threat or not.

4. If a guy posts his profile online, he must be undesirable in some way.

5. ?

Once a few nastier types showed up, they wrecked it for all men, basically. From that moment on, if women aren't using sites with sufficient (and complex) protections against it, they get flooded with pictures of guys' dicks. For quite a lot of women, that's enough to delete their profile and never try again. And for a lot of other women, even hearing that happens is enough reason never to try.

If men in general want things like this to change, and for women to be more easily approachable in any medium, y'all as a group are going to have to start policing each other's behavior.

And yeah, yeah, I'm sure someone will post about how they totally did something or other once along those lines, but that's not enough. It shouldn't be possible, for example, for the women-hating posts on this forum to show up without 20 men flaming them to a crisp and demanding the poster be banned.

1. Not true -- probably around 50/50 in most developed countries. The site I work for has a slightly higher female audience, and our product is unisex.

2. True! But they do look, and do respond to ads -- the question is, what are you posting, and what image of yourself does this portray? Hint -- stay away from sex or looks, focus more on personality and your career when posting.

3. Very likely. Lots of creeps out there, much higher risk for women than men.

4. Not true -- online dating is for everyone. Dating online is not a sign of a loser -- just ask your ex-wife. If women, who can pretty easily get a guy (but not easily get a good guy) are turning to online dating, why shouldn't men, with that much more challenges in the way?

5. In general, there will always be more demand for women on the "instant gratification" side of things. We use the web for things we want NOW, things we want to cruise, peruse, etc. It does not mean that there aren't women out there for you. It just means she went to the meat market and got sold quickly. Rest assured there are tons of women out there who want a normal, older, financially secure guy. And also rest assured that there are plenty of women who don't have that. Your wife is battling against time -- 3+ more years, she's toast, dating-wise, for most guys looking for their first marriage. You are not battling time, only your own inner demons and emotions.

And really, you should be happy if she finds someone else -- doesn't that mean an end of alimony payments for you?

Thanks BSG - that was a very useful and perceptive post.

I guess I would love to have instant gratification, especially with my Aspie need to have everything orderly and settled.

I'll be alright, but I'll probably skip the online dating scene for now and work on myself instead. I'll jump in when I'm ready.

Right now I'm focusing on the things I can control, updating my wardrobe, hitting the gym again, etc. and beyond that, I'm not totally ugly, I've got above-average income and good prospects, and I'm pretty low-maintenance Aspie-wise.

I'm sure Ms Right will show up eventually.

I'm actually not too upset about my ex's new "relationship", just a little residual jealously that I don't lose sleep over.

Also, I don't pay alimony - we split up one month short of the "trigger" for that in my state.

Thanks again.

Honestly, it doesn't seem that much different from offline dating. Men seek women, and there are often many men seeking sexual relationships. Men aren't usually as choosy, either. I've noticed that the number one thing that reels guys in is photos. If I can look ok in my photo, that's all that seems to get them.

"Did you even read my profile?"
"...a little. But you look good."

If I imagine a building where singles could walk around and mingle openly, with any persona they could ideally muster, I have a feeling the women would still be surrounded by men in some way, if not physically, then mentally. What's different about online dating is that it's easy, it's anonymous, there's the safety of the screen and a sense of secure detachment so that more men can approach more women who advertise themselves online, using what is effectively a lie, a costume, a false fantasy that they create in hopes of being more attractive. They can't see how many other men are approaching the same woman, either, so there's a sort of pile-up effect for any one woman. These men are also messaging many women with the same guise. Most women I know are fairly perceptive and see past the ruse, anyway, and can read between the lines very effectively. But at some point it becomes extremely tiresome to sift through and any initial hope for finding someone different dwindles, replaced by a feeling of jaded indifference and mass generalization.

That's not to say that the women on these sites are perfect angels, either. Many have their own serious issues and use the same tactics of an online guise to attract men, though the reasons for doing so are often somewhat different than they are for the men. Men and women have a naturally different approach to how they achieve their desired goals. How men and women handle their individual egos and societal roles based on gender definitions. I think that alone causes an imbalance when interactions are occurring over a largely anonymous communication system. As has been mentioned, men are to do the chasing while the women discreetly (or flamboyantly) select the best choice.

And let's be realistic, the internet is the perfect place for a shattered ego. There is less pressure and more ability to flaunt what isn't real. Pictures can be doctored and attitudes perfected for show. Narcissism abounds. Women flaunt attractive or provocative pictures of themselves and the men with lesser self esteem flock to the show. It's hard to find a diamond in the sea of rhinestones. I think it's often that simple.

Dude, count yourself lucky. At least she waited until after the divorce. My first wife left me to move in with her boyfriend of six months...

Very thought-provoking post, and I think you're right.

I kind of thought of the Internet as "casting a wider net" than depending on fate or dumb-luck - in that context it kind of makes sense - especially for someone who is "different".

But my view is that the dark side that you talk about probably reduces your chances to a par with fate/dumb-luck anyway - so it probably really isn't any different than offline.

Fate is kind of romantic anyway, that's probably what I'll end up relying on...

Ouch!