inability to feel loved

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I feel love very strongly and am a very passionate person but Im not able to feel loved.

because I have difficulty connecting to others feelings or reading how others feel, I have a big problem with being able to tell if people love me or even like me. I tend to read the signals wrong and make judgement mistakes.

It makes me wonder if there is any point to having romantic relationships as it seems the big benefit to them is feeling loved and liked. It seems very self sacrificing to me to give my all in a relationship when I dont get anything back.

I think perhaps i am someone more suited to celibacy.

Relationships tend to just make me feel stressed as I get everything wrong all the time and feel 'got at' and under pressure.

I would not like 'friends with benefits' as I think I would feel even more used and Im not able to detach sex from feelings of love.

I love you very much lotusblossom

I dont want you to feel got at and under pressure. I think sometimes I feel so driven to look like im not getting at you or pressuring you that it has the opposite effect and i become even more pressurising.

I do not feel that you have got everything wrong with me, i feel very honored that you let me into your life after so long of being comfortable and safe alone.

I am glad you would not want to detach sex from love. Whatever happpens i think highly of you and love you lots. I like your values as you make me want to have integrity and be someone i can be proud of. although that is a long way off im sure

Thank you for your reply Tom.

I think this is definately something inherant in me rather than caused by some behaviour or character of significant others.

I have had this experience in all my relationships, family and friendships. Except with my youngest child who does make me feel loved, but I cant put my finger on why precisely, perhaps just because I know her so well and we are so close I am able to read her easier.

I think it makes it very hard to let my guard down or trust people if I cant read their motives, intentions or feelings toward me. I think it impacts on being able to live a full life.

Im not sure how to change any of it though. Iam very consious of not wanting to hurt people.

When I see some of my aspie friends who live solitary- monk- like lifestyles where they have accepted their inability to have relationships and just work on being ok with themselves as they are, it looks very attractive to me and Iam sure is the correct way to handle the issue.

I think this also applies to platonic relations as well.

I don't believe in the existence of "the feeling of being loved".

LB

I think you've touched on the fundamental problem with relationships for us, but I am as confused as you are regarding a "solution" (if there is one).

When I read the scientific literature, it constantly refers to ASD people as lacking a "theory of mind" - I understand this to mean that we seem to have a innate inability to step into another person's shoes and see things from their perspective, leaving us helpless when trying to understand their feelings towards us and incapable of understanding their "inner" needs. That's why they call it "autism" (aut = "auto" = self).

I too feel loved by my children (including my ASD son), because they express it in a way that's easy for me to understand. Several times a day they will hug me and say "Poppy I love you" - kind of hard not to understand, even for me. But with adults, I have never felt loved (even by my ex-wife) and have kind of accepted that fact.

I too have thought about going "monastic", but unlike the monks, I don't have a higher purpose driving it - it's simply an acknowledgement of, and surrender to, my limitations and I inevitably find myself craving the sorts of feelings I have when I'm in a romantic relationship.

On the other hand, my innate inability to empathize usualy means my relationships end with "you can't fulfill my emotional needs" - which is probably true.

Kind of a Catch-22, huh?

All I can hope for is to find someone who is able to accept me for who I am and who is able to also have their emotional needs met elsewhere.

Not sure if this is possible, but for now I just try to enjoy every day as best I can and remain optimistic.

Hope this helps.

Hmm...I think anything can be potentially stimulating be it a concept, fetish, addiction, etc. This is demonstrated on functional scans. stimulus->response. That is how we work.

However it is completely subjective and personal, the response. What you might believe it signifies doesn’t necessarily follow. You could say it much more in the moment. What happens latter could be differnet.

However, I feel the real subtext of the OP is social interaction issues, not love.

definately!

I find platonic relationships/friendships extremely difficult and i cant tell if people reciprocate feelings of likeing. Its also hard to go by what people say, as people will say positive things for all sorts of reasons such as politeness or to be 'nice' or to manipulate people.

Could you elaborate a little on that?

yes thank you!

That was very helpful, its very helpful to read of others with similar experiences.

I often think Im so weird and different so its good to know I am not alone

0_equals_true, tell me your opinion on my social interaction issues, I value your honesty

seconded

I don't know you that well. You hinted at social problems in your OP. From meets you can do the informal interaction, and conversations fine. There no major thing that stands out on that basis. I believe you said you have (social) anxiety, so this can impact your emotional state.

The gist is that there isn't a direct transference of emotion between two people. You can communicate by different means (i.e. pheromones) and that triggers a response that is unique to you. But that is only if that particular scenario stimulated a response, and it doesn’t have to be ‘typical’.

if someone says they love you, you either take it as a fact or dismiss it. but you need to be informed in order to establish that as a fact, or you can analyse said persons behaviour to do that. but you can't "feel" it, like you'd feel temperature if you touched hot iron. the love is only in the other person's head. you can love them back, but then that feeling is only in your head. it's not material, and can't be transferred. someone loving you is either a) true or b) false, or you can assume its existence.

bolding by me

The feeling is in the other person's head, yes, but they externalize it by their actions. Things like taking your opinion seriously (even if they do not agree with it) or checking to make sure you are ok if you are sick or hospitalized. Actions speak louder than words. It's an inference, sure, but it is a way of transferring the feeling from the one person's head to the other.