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CerebralDreamer
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14 Nov 2009, 3:19 am

Most people, I genuinely doubt they're ever ready for real love. I've been looking at what it means from my experiences, my perspective, and I feel like I've hit some truth.

Love can't come until certain standards have changed. Physical health should be more important than physical appearance. Compassion and loyalty should be more important than popularity. Knowledge should be more important than money. Affection should be more important than sex.

I won't deny that I've had my phases. First I had something to prove. Then, I just didn't want to be alone. Now, it's different. Being alone is preferable to pain or guilt. Until the right person comes along, I can find always something to do with my life.



FaithHopeCheese
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14 Nov 2009, 7:53 am

CerebralDreamer wrote:
Most people, I genuinely doubt they're ever ready for real love.


I understand where you're coming from, but I take issue with this. Don't overanalyze love, or you won't recognize it when it comes to you. To say that someone isn't ready for love, is kind of like saying they don't deserve it.

Just because a person wants to have sex and doesn't want to be alone, doesn't mean they're not ready. That's kind of the whole point. It's everything in between that makes it so complicated, and that's what gives it value....But, yes, there are other things to do....Sorry, you sound kind of bummed.


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Lene
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14 Nov 2009, 12:18 pm

I agree with FaithHopeCheese. You can't set yourself rules and guidelines for love- well you can, but that often goes out the window when you meet the right person. Even if you make guidelines, you can only write them for yourself.

I was just thinking at work (where I see a lot of families) that no two couples seem alike; some look very similar, some have one partner really old or good looking, or not conventionally attractive at all, but most of them look happy with each other and I doubt it's just an act.

You can't state that physical health is more important than looks; what about people in wheelchairs or who have MS; are they are less valuable as partners than others who can walk or without problems? There are many couples out there where one or both have serious illness.

Stating that knowledge is more important than money isn't true either. Maybe your own priorities lie that way, but for other people, a simple person with a steady source of income would be preferable to a know-it-all who couldn't hold down a job..

I personally agree with you that compassion, loyalty and affection are more important than popularity or sex, but that's just my own view; others may differ and that's up to them.

Until you've fallen in love, you won't know the person that's right for you.



Stinkypuppy
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14 Nov 2009, 6:03 pm

Hmm, I interpreted the OP's post as discussing whether a person is capable of converting love into a long-term relationship. In this respect, his post makes a lot of sense. However I'm aware that at other points in the post, like "Love can't come until certain standards have changed", it sounds more like a discussion about whether a person can love at all, which I would disagree with on its face value.


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sinsboldly
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15 Nov 2009, 3:25 am

Lene wrote:
Until you've fallen in love, you won't know the person that's right for you.


not every person we fall in love with is 'the right person', though. Cupid is notoriously an equal opportunity employer.


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Lene
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15 Nov 2009, 5:41 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
Lene wrote:
Until you've fallen in love, you won't know the person that's right for you.


not every person we fall in love with is 'the right person', though. Cupid is notoriously an equal opportunity employer.


That's true, but they must have had the right initial conditions for you to fall in love with them in the first place.



HopeGrows
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15 Nov 2009, 6:50 pm

I just interpreted it to mean that what we look for in a partner (and what we bring to any relationship as a partner) changes as we mature. I think the OP's conclusion (and I'm paraphrasing here) that it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person is very true.

I also think the OP is alluding to the fact that real love (as opposed to romantic love) takes lots of hard work - and that one will encounter a lot of people who aren't up for that work (right up until you meet the one that is up for it). IMO very astute, actually.



SilverStar
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15 Nov 2009, 9:38 pm

Lene wrote:
I agree with FaithHopeCheese. You can't set yourself rules and guidelines for love- well you can, but that often goes out the window when you meet the right person. Even if you make guidelines, you can only write them for yourself.


Lene wrote:
Until you've fallen in love, you won't know the person that's right for you.



This can be true, or false, depending on what your guidelines are. :wink: Everyone searches for that perfect partner. What most of them don't know is, they are looking for someone most like themselves. In order to find that perfect partner, you have to be the perfect partner yourself. So if you have lot's of baggage and unresolved issues, then you most likely won't be the perfect parner to someone else. So, in that regard, CerebralDreamer has a good point.


Here's a list I found of some of the issues many people face that keep them from finding that perfect mate:

*Focused on what you are not getting.
*Seeking approval from others.
*Neediness
*Insecurity
*Selfishness
*Fear
*Jealousy
*Critical of yourself and others.
*Blaming other people for something that happened in your past
*Long list of expectations that must be met for you to feel okay
*Negative thinking
*Not being happy, loving or content with yourself



sinsboldly
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15 Nov 2009, 9:48 pm

I am confused by my feelings (hey, I'm an Aspie!) and in my research on why I would think so many guys were 'the one' I came across this in college.


Quote:
Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessional form of romantic love.[1]

The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object.

According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, what she calls "loving attachment", and "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children.[2]

Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.

Unlike English, many other languages have traditional terms to denote limerence, like the German Verliebtheit, Danish forelskelse, Brazilian Portuguese paixonite, Spanish enamoramiento, Catalan enamorament or Russian влюблённость (vlyublyonnost); these expressions may roughly be translated to “fallen-in-love-ness”.


more about limerence here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence