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octo_pie
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03 Dec 2009, 12:29 am

I have had a crush for the longest time on my friend with AS.
Not to sound all teenagey girly, but it was like a super massive huge crush.

Problem is my AS friend hate(d) being touched, and put up this wall of defense to not be touched. And to boot, he was pretty sure he was asexual.
Fast forward about a year, and after (much) easing into it, he can stand being touched, and i'm dating him. He says besides his parents i'm really the only one he can stand to hug, and he quite enjoys it.

It's going very well, but i asked him last night if he had a crush on me beforehand, and he said he didn't? Although I hardly think one night of talking can bring a guy to a sudden realization that "hey. i'm going to date this chick now."
And then I thought maybe it's because of his combination of AS and being 'asexual' that he didn't really know what it was?
So I tried to explain what a crush/love is, but epically failed.

So (sorry for ranting), I guess my question is:
How would you describe what a crush/love is to an aspie (specifically, or anyone really)?



HopeGrows
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03 Dec 2009, 1:24 am

Hmmm.....I guess I'm not sure why you think he doesn't know what a crush is. He said he didn't have a crush on you - did he indicate he didn't know what you meant, or are you assuming he doesn't know what a crush is because he didn't feel that way about you?

I suppose the problem you've run into is that a crush and/or love can feel like so many different things to different people. Some people will understand it as wanting to be with someone most of the time; wanting to be romantic with that person; palpitations; sweaty palms; nervousness; feeling joy or happiness when thinking of the object of your desire; feeling "incomplete" when you're not with that person; pre-occupation with thoughts of someone; butterflies, or one of my favorites: "the tips of your fingers make my heart beat faster."

If he doesn't believe he had a crush on you before you started dating, I wouldn't worry about it. Clearly he's dating you, so it stands to reason that he finds you attractive.



octo_pie
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03 Dec 2009, 1:48 am

No, he straight up told me that he doesn't understand what/why people have crushes.

Which, while it doesn't bother me relationship-wise, it's just perplexing. How can one not understand an emotion? Or maybe have something like the emotion, but not realize that it's actually the missing emotion?
So in my effort to explain it to him, maybe what I'm really looking for is how he would experience the "crush/love" feeling? :roll:



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03 Dec 2009, 1:52 am

Ok....well, perhaps an Aspie could give you their perspective - I'm NT, so the info I provided is the NT perspective on crushing.



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03 Dec 2009, 3:03 am

I remember reading somewhere that the specific chemistry, and the firing patterns of neurons, in the brain of someone with a crush is nearly identical to that of someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder.

Essentially, when you have a crush on someone, your brain's chemistry and firing patterns shift for a short period of time and you literally become compulsively obsessed with the person and anything having to do with them.



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03 Dec 2009, 3:08 am

octo_pie wrote:
How would you describe what a crush/love is to an aspie (specifically, or anyone really)?


Coming from an AS point of view, I understand a crush as being someone uniquely admired. The types of feelings you have for your crush cannot be duplicated by thinking of or being around anyone else but the crush. There's an inexplicably magical magnetism that takes place.



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03 Dec 2009, 4:39 am

The hardest thing about this - if he was feeling something that he could identify and actually have an emotional stir over; he'd know it, I can't think of any other language he'd be able to put it into - internally or externally. I'm thinking that if he doesn't understand people having crushes and you still can't drag it out of him that he's really just not built like that. If he was at war with his own emotions or just didn't think having crushes was a good idea, he'd at least be able to acknowledge some feelings or perhaps half-begrudgingly admit that he felt something despite his better sensibilities (which even in this case, if he's a good guy he'd likely try to make an exception for you and let you know that he felt something without making you feel like you were pulling teeth to get an answer). In this case I really think its the former though.



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03 Dec 2009, 5:41 am

octo_pie wrote:
How can one not understand an emotion? Or maybe have something like the emotion, but not realize that it's actually the missing emotion?


If it helps, I have absolutely no understanding of the emotion anger. I don't think I've ever felt it. I don't know what it feels like or how to relate to people being angry. If I got angry I might not know. :?



octo_pie
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03 Dec 2009, 8:02 am

Lepus wrote:
octo_pie wrote:
How can one not understand an emotion? Or maybe have something like the emotion, but not realize that it's actually the missing emotion?


If it helps, I have absolutely no understanding of the emotion anger. I don't think I've ever felt it. I don't know what it feels like or how to relate to people being angry. If I got angry I might not know. :?


really? Not to pry, but you mean like you've never been angry? For example, if someone slashed your tires,vandalized your car, and busted all the windows, you wouldn't get mad? (or feel angry?)

I'm not trying to mock, I just really am curious (because that sounds like something my aspie might say so...)



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03 Dec 2009, 8:14 am

octo_pie wrote:
Lepus wrote:
octo_pie wrote:
How can one not understand an emotion? Or maybe have something like the emotion, but not realize that it's actually the missing emotion?


If it helps, I have absolutely no understanding of the emotion anger. I don't think I've ever felt it. I don't know what it feels like or how to relate to people being angry. If I got angry I might not know. :?


really? Not to pry, but you mean like you've never been angry? For example, if someone slashed your tires,vandalized your car, and busted all the windows, you wouldn't get mad? (or feel angry?)

I'm not trying to mock, I just really am curious (because that sounds like something my aspie might say so...)


He's not the only one either. I also haven't experienced anger. Or grief or love for that matter. It's somewhat troubling at times because I know I should feel love for family or grief if they're gone. Or anger at something like what you mentioned above. But the insurance would cover a car, so why get angry? I do know where my emotional block came from though.

As per your original topic, I can easily see how he wouldn't know what a crush is. Just because I have no idea either, not from an emotional standpoint anyway. Intellectually, the closest I could understand it would be to say that it's just a strong attraction that can initially form from physical attributes, often getting stronger with everything they learn about the person coupled with a tendency to willfully ignore flaws or faults as well as information given by peers should it be negative, while soaking up any information that is positive.


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03 Dec 2009, 10:14 am

Owendust wrote:
I remember reading somewhere that the specific chemistry, and the firing patterns of neurons, in the brain of someone with a crush is nearly identical to that of someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder.

Essentially, when you have a crush on someone, your brain's chemistry and firing patterns shift for a short period of time and you literally become compulsively obsessed with the person and anything having to do with them.


yeah! that is called Limerence. Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person.

Back when we were hunter/gatherers men and women would bond for the time it took for a child to be conceived, born and able to run around without being carried by their mom. That devotion took place for 18 months to 3 years. It could happen again with the same people, or with other people, but it was long before agriculture dictated that couples bond for life because of land ownership.

Anyway, it is pretty interesting reading for anyone that has ever had a crush. Here is the wiki on the term.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence


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03 Dec 2009, 10:17 am

Owendust wrote:
I remember reading somewhere that the specific chemistry, and the firing patterns of neurons, in the brain of someone with a crush is nearly identical to that of someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder.

Essentially, when you have a crush on someone, your brain's chemistry and firing patterns shift for a short period of time and you literally become compulsively obsessed with the person and anything having to do with them.


^I think this is spot-on. Easy to understand and more rational than a book full of flowery poetry.


But octo_pie, it sounds like you're just obsessed with having him feel exactly the same as you do, and it seems clear that it isn't in his nature to experience emotion in that way. At least not in the current situation.


Does he know he's dating you? I mean, is that the term he uses to refer to the time you spend together? I'm not trying to be facetious, I've known people who claimed to be dating ME, when in fact I would have never characterized the time I spent socializing with them as anything so formal or binding.



octo_pie
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04 Dec 2009, 8:19 am

Thanks for the wiki :D

But yes, he does know that we are dating, and he's mentioned it himself. I don't mean to sound obsessive, it's just a different concept to me that people have different understandings of things I guess; and I want to know more about it?



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04 Dec 2009, 1:21 pm

octo_pie wrote:
Thanks for the wiki :D

But yes, he does know that we are dating, and he's mentioned it himself. I don't mean to sound obsessive, it's just a different concept to me that people have different understandings of things I guess; and I want to know more about it?


You don't sound obsessive to me. :wink: Relationships between Aspies and NTs can be profoundly confusing...probably because we seem to be using different rule books when it comes to behavior and emotion (and of course, everybody on either side isn't using the same rule book either). :roll: Try to remain open to learning as you go, and be willing to test any conclusions you made about relationships prior to this one. (And I don't mean you should lower your standards or tolerate bad behavior or anything like that...just understand that when you're dealing with an Aspie, the link between emotion and behavior is not necessarily what you'd expect from an NT guy.) Good luck.