hopeless

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Sometimes things feel hopeless and I feel like I'll be single my whole life. Does anyone else feel this way? How do I handle these feelings?

Kiddo, everybody feels that way sometimes.

I'd suggest asking for feedback (from people you trust) about anything you can improve upon when it comes to dating, and then make a plan to make those improvements. I'd also suggest investing in activities and interests that are not about having a relationship, that will help you feel validated as a human being - so you don't have to look to a relationship for that validation. That's a very precarious way to live....the sense of belonging, validation, happiness you may get from a relationship can be lost very easily (applies to Aspies and NTs alike), so it's important that your worth comes from within. Hang in there, hon.

Some more than others


Not everybody can pull that off... I know from experience as a child that any attempt to have self-worth when it's unwarranted by the external world will just turn me back into a narcissist...

Toad, that's the nice thing about self-worth...it comes from within. Maybe you should give it another try (as an adult).

But how do I stop myself from slipping back to the dark side?

After 5 years of being single I've started to feel that way, but my relationship experiences have never been fulfilling, so I don't miss much. Yeah, it'd be nice to have a lady friend again, as long as she's not a sex fiend.

Yep - all day every day.

I was like that too some time ago. See also my own thread about the subject. I hope to be able to fully accept it, however, as it seems inevitable in my case. Whether it's inevitable in yours, I don't know. (If AS is your only problem, then probably not.) Best of luck. I'd wish I could help you more, but I'm still figuring that one out for myself.

Regretably, I have other handicaps apart from AS (apparently this is quite common). These don't help in the effort to meet a mate. However, I do find the older I get, the less I care.

Yup. Especially if it runs in the family (e.g. that weird uncle or your father if you're a guy).

Recognize it's a passing feeling most of the time. The best you can do is to make sure you can keep yourself busy through these times and press on.

IF you think this is the way your life is going to be, alone, then prepare for the long haul. But it's not a life without hope -- the ability to stand the strains of loneliness and solitude helps many people achieve great things.

I agree with what Merle is saying as I pretty much live this strategy.

When I was a younger man, I lived my life around the assumption I would find a partner, get married, have kids and all the rest of the things that "normal" people do. Of course these things never happened for me. This was all pre-diagnosis. Once the Dx came, I still kept trying to find someone special with no success. Somewhere about ten years ago, I finally gave up. As I had nothing else to do, I fell into a depressed state which lasted for a number of years - only the degree of depression varied. Sometime about my 40th birthday, I finally accepted that I was destinied to be single forever. I accepted that I would have to find other pastimes to fill my life. More to the point, I realised that the only way to make my life in any way rewarding was to find pastimes that gave me a sense of reward and achievement. I have since taken up fitness activites (such as going to the gym, jogging and bike riding) and computing. None of these will ever subsitutue for having someone special to share my life with. However, at least now I have a sense of value in my life as opposed to my (unsuccessfull) women-chasing days where I spent all my time feeling like a loser.

I agree completely with Merle and AspiRob. One of the greatest achievements in any lifelong bachelor's life seems to me the complete intellectual and emotional acceptance of the permanance of his state, and to deal with the loneliness and solitude without too much psychological damage. As for myself, I still have to achieve this, but I'm working on it every day. Also quite helpful, to me at least, is to read biographies of successful "loners", like
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Washington_Irving;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immanuel_Kant;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Erdos,
to name just a random few.