LJBF date

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We have all heard the term LJBF. But have you ever heard the expression "LJBF date"? To me it sounds like something along these lines: a girl LJBF-s a guy, but a guy is REALLY upset by it. So a girl tries to make him feel better by actually calling their next meeting "a date" (something that is not typical for LJBF situation since in most LJBF cases the girl would insist on NOT calling it a date). But that "date" is not real. In fact, it feels almost like cheating since if it is a date, it makes it a "second date", in total violation of the rules of a dating game that says that you only get a "second date" if you did well on the first date. So its kind of like instead of being given consolation prize you are given a consolation pass to the next step of a turnament. You know perfectly though that you won't be a champion -- why would you if you are basically a cheater, except a "legal cheater".

I've never heard of it. Sounds confusing.

There are no rules, Roman. Dating is a mutually subjective situation, dependent on the feelings and decisions of the two (or more) people involved. No rules, no violation, no requirement that other people follow the behaviors that you, I, or anyone else might have for them. As for the rest of your post, I cannot understand what you are attempting to say.


M.

What makes me think there are rules is that there are a lot of KNOWN patterns, such as if you don't do well on first date you won't get a second one. This doesn't seem very logical because humans are complex so it should take some time to really get to know them, and there is nothing to lose by double checking your first impression. So it seems like the reason people rely on first impression so much is that there is a rule, well of course unwritten one, but still it seems to be very binding (probably not on everyone but at least on a vast majority of people).



I guess I was just pointing out something interesting. On the one hand, I have a lot of problems with the rule I just described, and I STRONGLY prefer if people were to throw out these rules, and were to give each other multiple chances, etc.

But interestingly, I recall at least one girl, Charlene, who offered me a second date when she saw I was clearly upset (it was back in May 2007). At first I came up with time conflicts but when she kept trying to figure out the time that works for both of us I simply started cussing her out until she no longer wanted that date. Why? Because it seemed too much like a consolation prize. I feel that there were STILL these rules, they just didn't apply to me because I was no longer part of a game, anyway. But as a consolation prize I was told that yes I am still playing and in fact I am allowed to CHEAT by getting SECOND DATE without doing well on first one. Well, if I am still playing then CHEATING would certainly get me kicked out. So that is what put me off.

However, I still mean every word I said when I say that I STRONGLY DISAGREE with these rules, I think they are VERY shallow. I also think that the fact that dating is a game is equally shallow. Dating should be about understanding the other person as a human being, not a game. Now if both the game as well as its rules would go out the window, then there will be no "prizes" which means no "consolation prizes" either, and then I would gladly accept these kinds of second dates -- in fact that is exactly what I WANT: I want time so the other person can understand me as human and look past my Asperger. It is just has to be an honest thing, as opposed to a consolation prize.

But I guess may be the "consolation prize" is just the vibes I got from Charlene. Because the past few weeks I got an HONEST second chance from one of the girls I turned off (her name is Dani), and I gladly accepted it.

Last edited by Roman on 16 Jan 2010, 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

what's LJBF?

LJBF= "Lets just be friends". It is actually a very famous abbreviation in a dating world because it is a very common way in which women reject men.

Ohhhhh that, haha ok

If a women I was interested in did that I would not even see her anymore as a firend. Too many mixed signals.

There are general principles that operate the dating game and like a lot of NT endeavors it is usually based on emotions, first impressions and deception.

I personally can't stand it since it strikes me as an irrational waste of time and resources to simply chase after a few minutes of pleasure that can be acquired in a more economic and expedited manner.

Hmmm I never heard that term before...

Well as Mick Jagger always said "you can't always get what you want."

I'd say, "Do I get to kiss you, or possibly have sex? If not, that's not a date" and move on to someone who is open to the same things you are.

Since your profile says you are a female, does it mean you actually say it to guys, or were you saying that it would be something you WOULD say IF you were a guy? If you do say it to guys, that is quite interesting: do a lot of guys say "no" to kissing and/or sex and YOU reject THEM for it?

By the way, something just occured to me. I NEVER ask for kissing or anything unless THE GIRL does it first. Mainly I don't know how to, never done it and don't know how to do that appropriately. I never thought of it as a big deal because to me the motivation is mostly self esteem rather than sex, so it is important for me to GET A TITLE of a boyfriend as opposed to a friend since the former lifts my self esteem up and the latter ruins it; the sexual stuff is just side benefit.

But could it be that THIS is the reason that I have such a hard time getting the TITLE that I want? Could it be that the main deal breaker for the girl is that I didn't go for a kiss at the end of the date, and she simply couldn't bring herself to say that and instead said other things? You being a woman can you tell me if that would have been the case with you if a guy you met didn't go for a kiss?

Not necessarily bad. Depending on the situation, you can always wind up with a LJBFWB

My own purpose of finding a girlfriend is a pride attached to a title, as opposed to sex. So friends with benefits is equally bad since it means that I still am not "good enough" for a title.

Sorry, I didn't see this before.

Yes, I mean I would say exactly that. when I met my now-husband (aspie) I asked him out. He was a little caught on the word "date" (I now learned on here that is a common issue). I finally said something like "Does your version involve kissing? Because mine does, and that's what I want." Or some such.

If he said "no" I wouldn't reject him, but I wouldn't have been hanging out taking walks and coffee either. I was attracted to him, and I wanted more than just buddies. I have a lot of buddies. Why set myself up for that hurtfulness?

To each their own.

For some people (like you) dating is a step in the interaction between men and women, culminating in a relationship. Noble, yes.

However, for many, the dating and courtship game is merely a means towards achieving sex. The pretense(s) of getting to know the other person, flirting, innane conversation, etc., is superficial justification post coitus.

Others cut to the chase and just want someone to have fun with between the satin sheets.

I salute you for the more noble goal, but do not disparage anyone for wanting a physical relationship solely.