brokenhearted

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aaaa i'm devastated...on thursday night i diagnosed myself as having asperger's and i am in shock and heartbroken about it. It's effected me massivelt over the past 10 years but never realised i had it. I am a 28 year old male living in London and before I came here three years ago I had a beutiful, spanish girlfriend and we got on amazingly well like soulmates. We were going out for about three and a half years and we were really commited to each other and we could laugh about anything but not puns as I've never understood them. As she was from spain I dont think she did too. Looking back she was my perfect match she was outgoing and had all the social needs I didnt have whilst we looked after each other and had so much in common. We were so close we could pretty much read each others minds (i can feel empathy) and had so much love between us.

Then after two years together we went our seperate ways for work but stayed together, she went to canberra in australia and i came to london. I wouldnt normally have left her as I'd always wanted to go to australia but the job i moved for was in my special interest (not that i knew i had one then) so I was compelled to come and do it. Anyway to cut a long story short after 6 months away from each other i had this overwhelming urge to break up with her because she didnt match just one of my internal ASP rules.

I now realise I am ASP idealist who wants perfection in every thing from the laptop and clothes i buy to my choice of girlfriend. I had no training in compromising and see things in black and white. Clearly no relationship is perfect and needs to be worked on but I didnt realise this. I also grouped eveyone together as one and knew i liked her but didnt realise how unique she was and couldnt see this because of my social blindness. Instead of living wth her in australia I've lived in 8 different houses in London where I couldnt get on with anyone because I chose the wrong housemates completly i.e. not speaking my language or worst parts of london or my social skills are awful.

So I've been a bit depressed for 2 months but couldnt put my finger on why. I've started to get lonely and started to realise my fear for talking in front of people has effected me massively. Anyway I've over come this a bit and whilst researching for a teaching interview slowly but surely I started to examine my own learning difficulties and school experiences. Last week I thought I was ADD and then this Thursday I realised I have the symptoms of asp.

So now I am completly on my own due to my internal rules and special interest, i've withdrawn from everything too. And I have only just realised I have ASP and this made me have stupid internal rules in my head. My ex met all of them and more apart from just one and I had an urge to leave her. She is now engaged and due to marry in July but I know she had feelings for me for a long time after I broke up with her. After her first year in aus she actually came back to the UK to work for two years and I probably had the opportunity to try to get back with her. I didnt look back on my decision and didnt realise how little I have in common with almost everyone in London. I stupidly thought I could find someone just like her but with this one thing to make her perfect and now I have nothing apart from a syndrom that makes it hard for me to make friends. I also have impossibly high targets for future partners which means I will be single for a long time i think.

It feels like my heart has been taken out of me and put into a box somewhere and it's just so frustrating. I know I will never meet anyone like her again she was such a one of and we were so commited to eachother. She drew out of me my hidden character as she made me feel so comfortable and we had a similar sense of humour.

Stupidly my parents missed all of my symptoms when I was a child. They thought I could be dyslexic but I;ve read all my school reports and all the symptoms match AS....perfectly This could not have affected my life any worse. If I knew I had it I could have worked on my perfectionist internal rules.

Should have married her. You could have always split up, but it would have moved you along. But that's neither here nor now.

The goal now is to figure out how to get along with yourself. Do not beat up yourself over past mistakes as they're in the past and immutable. The best you can do is to learn from them.

What will it take for you to be happy BY YOURSELF? Start there. Realize you won't get along as wonderfully as you did with her, as the light in the room is a bit dimmer, but recognize you are the ultimate joy in your own life. Hopefully.

Welcome to WP, brokenhearted!

I too was also in a lot of shock when the prospect of AS finally sunk in; it was that shock that prompted me to seek psychiatric help.

Hopefully in time everything in your life will be brought back into perspective, only this time with a greater understanding of different neurologies. Until then, it's a long and difficult road, but worth it in the end. Truly eye-opening and inspiring in many ways.

Wish you the best.

Wait. She's not married yet right? Have you even considered telling her how you feel ? She may be marrying this other man as the "next best thing" since she thinks you don't want her ? Of course she may tell you what's done is done. But you won't know if you don't try. You already have a broken heart, what do you have to lose really?

nn

If you want to tell her how you feel, that's one thing. Trying to break up her impending marriage is something else entirely. She's attempted to move on with her life... if she chooses to go back then that is her decision, but attempting to disrupt her life now based on your revelation doesn't seem appropriate to me.


M.