How to get over crush and find another girl to date?

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ForeverAloneAutist
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11 Dec 2014, 5:06 pm

For about nine months at the least, I've found myself obsessed with another girl with Aspergers syndrome, and because of my own lack of success with other women in the past and despite wanting to know her better, I'm afraid of socializing with her to where if I run into her I freeze up out of anxiety and exchange only a few words at the most. Now she has a boyfriend and even though I felt she and I would have been great together, I really want to get over her and find someone else that I could possibly end up dating. Any thoughts or advice here?



JBO
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16 Dec 2014, 12:24 pm

I'm also AS and clueless, so take this with grain of salt:

I don't think this is the right attitude. I've done the same thing as you all my life, and let me tell you that it's not a good strategy. You like a girl, you never really interact much, unsurprisingly nothing develops and eventually you say "she must not like me, I'll try to get over her." You rationalize it saying, "it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways."

NO. BAD.

I've talked to girls I had crushes on in high school and college, and two of them were like "I had a crush on you too, I thought you didn't like me wtf?" One of them said she actually TOLD ME she liked me, but apparently it didn't register in my stupid autistic brain.

Basically my problem has clearly just been that I'm bad at social interaction, verbal / non-verbal cues, and like you I tend to freeze up and avoid interacting with people I have a crush on. I have no problem making eye contact, etc, with people I don't like. Frustrating.

But anyways, it seems completely possible to me that you both WOULD be perfect for each other, and since you're both socially disabled neither of you was able to make the connection happen.

You need to work on your social skills. If all you do is move on and develop a crush on someone new, nothing is going to change and the cycle is going to repeat. Like, you haven't even TRIED yet, probably. You have no way of knowing how she feels, and because she's AS she probably also has no idea how you feel.


Maybe it's too late and you missed your chance with this girl. My main point is that until you address your lack of social skills it's not going to matter if you "find someone else that you could possibly end up dating" because this same situation will just happen again, over and over. Speaking from experience...



rdos
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16 Dec 2014, 2:25 pm

It has nothing to do with social skills. People that believe that will never be able to get anywhere. Some neurodiverse people get blocked when they have a crush on somebody. They will miss signals of interest, even if it is spelled out literally, sometimes understanding it long after it happened. That's something that is programmed into the brain, and you'd better work with it rather than against it. There are ways out of all of this. The best one is to get out of the contact phase, and it can be as simple as getting a hug or pretending to get one. Good strategies are to use your imagination to fool yourself that you are not attracted to somebody (works for making contact) or that you already have a relationship (works to get out of the contact phase). Typical things that NTs do will not help you in any way because they don't have these problems and thus don't need to compensate for them.



Toy_Soldier
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16 Dec 2014, 2:55 pm

Rearrange "How to get over crush and find another girl to date?"

into

'Find another girl to date and get over crush.'



MXH
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16 Dec 2014, 3:00 pm

Don't hurt people by replacing the crush with them. Get over her first then consider dating