Wait it out, or move on?

Post Reply New Topic

As I mentioned in another thread:

I've known her for almost two months now (I "met" her on December 2, and first met her in person on December 12). We go out (or just hang out) almost every weekend. Last time I saw her, I asked if she wanted to be my g.f., but she said she likes me better as a friend. Do I just accept that and try to find someone else, or should I persist (within reason; I don't want to be obsessive or stalkerish), wait it out, and see what happens? Normally I would choose the former option, but she really means a lot to me.

Has anyone here ever "liked" someone who only liked them as a friend, only for the person to later "like" you in the same way? Are there any subtle hints, gestures, etc. that might imply she is interested, or potentially interested, in someday being more than friends? Of course, if it turns out that she and I truly aren't meant to be together, I can accept that, but I want to be 110% sure of that before moving on. If there is any chance, however minuscule, that someday she might reciprocate and feel the same way about me as I do about her, I will take that chance.

I think you should ask her what it is that she doesn't like about you, and then ask her why does she assume you can't change it. For example, due to your Asperger you might not know the rules of the game, so you might have done something wrong even though you could do better if only you knew. So why can't she give you a chance to do just that?

One thing that amaises me is how come no one ever considers THIS conversation an option? It is very self-defeating when you act as if you "accept" her decision (whether you do or not) because your accepting it implies that you agree with her. Then you hope that may be something might develop. In other words, while you agree with her in all the shortcommings she perceives you to have (while you don't even know what they are!) you are hoping that she will "have mercy" on you and eventually change her mind out of mercy. Well just think about it: whwat does your interaction with her will do to your self esteem throughout all this time you are waiting for that?

Well, may be she doesn't have to do anything out of mercy. May be she is simply wrong in the shortcommings she thinks you have. But you won't ever find that out unless you discuss it with her.

That is very good advice. I will have that discussion with her. Thanks, Roman!

You are welcome Please let us know how it went.

Will do. I'm just curious, but is it possible that she might only like me as a friend right now, but later develop feelings for me?

No, according to rules of dating game, it is now or never.

Sure there are might be exceptions. But do you really want them anyway? Even if you will get what you want eventually (quite unlikely), the reason it would take so long is that she thinks you have some shortcommings. So, by agreeing with that, you agree that she is right in her evaluation of you, which is self defeating.

Now, yes do try to get her. But the key is that she has to agree to be with you ON THE BASIS OF YOUR PROVING HER ASSUMPTIONS WRONG. This is very different from her "taking it slow" on the basis of a combination of mercy and denial.

Also, women often say "lets take it slow" when they actually mean they will never like you but they just leaving the door open in order to be polite. Now what NT-s called polite is actually a lie (think about it). Do you really want to be lied to and act naive by believing that lie? Do you really want to appear naive and vulnerable to her?

I strongly suggest you focus on why she doesn't like you on the first place and NOT on time frame or anything like that. If she tells you she "needs to get to know you first", just tell her that you are not naive. Simply point out to her that you been together for 2 months and most ppl take a lot less than that, so obviusly the issue is with YOUR ASPERGER and not the fact that she takes it slow "with everyone" (I assure you, she doesn't).

Now, the other thing she might tell you is that you don't have any shortcommings, you are just "not meant for each other", she is "not feeling it", etc. Just tell her something doesn't come out of nothing. If she doesn't like you, there has to be a reason. And you are willing to honestly and openly discuss that reason, and especially whether or not YOU can change.

And yes, do try to perswade her that you can, in fact, change. That is another important part of discussion. Even if you understand all of her reasons, if you can change all of them, why do they matter? So ask her why is it she thinks you can't change, and try to perswade her that you can.

I've had lots of female friends that I only liked as friends (at first), but that I later became romantically interested in (and, in some cases, romantically involved with).



What if she doesn't have assumptions? What if she doesn't think of me as having any shortcomings, but simply doesn't have any romantic interest in me? Or what if she's simply not ready/not in the mood for a serious relationship just yet?



I'll keep that in mind.



I'll do just that. Thanks again, Roman!

Unfortunately, she has made very clear that she prefers you as a friend. I think you should move on; to hang around and hope for the best is to leave yourself open to heartbreak.

I'm in a similar situation, and that just killed my night. Darn humans.

In my situation, she's also an Aspie, says that I'm perfect, but because I can only be there on weekends it isn't enough. Time will well, but the next several months may be the hardest of my life.

Please, do not believe the comments about "rules of the game" and other such fallacies. There is nothing that says that one's feelings cannot change over time. I would, however, also discourage pushing too hard about what she does not like about you. One, it comes across as insecure/needy from what I understand; two, by making her articulate her thoughts it "solidifies" them in her mind making it more difficult to overcome those same obstacles. Ask indirect questions - instead of asking what she doesn't like about you, ask what she looks for in a boyfriend. If there are aspects of yourself there, you then have the opportunity to demonstrate that to her in time. That being said, I would accept that you and her are friends and only friends at this point and until something may change in the future. Don't be impatient, and if she is worth having feelings for then I would think she would also be worth having as a friend. Just my thoughts on the subject.


M.

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I'll be seeing her tomorrow (we're going to hang out at my place). Anything I should say or do?

I think this is excellent advice.

If she doesn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you, you should respect that and not pressure her.

If you ask her to give you reasons, I guarantee you that you can kiss that friendship goodbye. If she considers yourself to be her friend, she won't want to hurt your feelings. You'll be putting her in a position in which she has to choose between telling a white lie and hurting your feelings. She's not going to suddenly see the light, and realize what a stud muffin you are. Women don't work that way.

I suggests that he argues for a reason. Suppose, as you suggest, he acts indirect and asks her what does she look in a relationship. Suppose then she lists some qualities and then he realizes that a lot of these good qualities describe him, but he didn't let it show. What do you suggest he does then? Do you think he should point it out? I, for one, think he should. But if he sticks to your suggestion and continues to be indirect, then he would refrain from pointing that out. And this would be really stupid since then it would imply that he agrees with her that he doesn't have these qualities. Besides, he would miss perhaps the only apportunity to point something out to her in a natural way.

The other thing is that if he is going to be polite and "accept friendship" it would be very illogical for him to continue to hope it will turn into something more. It is like signing a form and then hope that the form that you signed with your own hands one day will be invalidated. I think it is far more honest on both sides that if he is not happy with friendship he discusses it directly, and now. That is far more logical and honest than pretending to be happy with something that he isn't, and then hoping things will change on their own.

I have read a lot of posts by other men who described the situations where they were polite and indirect, as you suggest, and then they would complain to other men asking them why the woman doens't changes her mind. Well, why should she? I thought they agreed to be her friend and nothing more? At the same time, when I read what they described, it is often the case that woman gave them chance after chance to actually discuss it and challenge her on her decision, and they missed all these chances simply because they wanted to be polite!

Just to give you one random example of what I am talking about, here is one such post: http://www.theattractionforums.com/fiel ... -ljbf.html That post strikes me on at least three levels:

1) Why is he complaining about not being able to kiss her as opposed to complain about his status as a friend. If he wants sexual stuff he can masturbate. What I see to be far more important here is that she doesn't want to give him a status of a boyfriend, thus putting him down. So if he wants to defend his self esteem, that is what he should argue about. But he doesn't! In fact, he accepted his low status by saying "if you are not attracted to me, you are not attracted to me", and then he keeps waiting for a welfare of a kiss!

2) During the original conversation of them wanting to be just friends, he described that they "put all cards on a table". Thus, it was perfect apportunity to challenge her on her decision. He didn't. Furthermore, I remember at least two times when after they agreed to be just friends she asked him what does he really want. Again, he had an apportinity to challenge her evaluation of him, and again he lost these apportunities. He only talked about the imiplication (i.e. whether or not he would be able to kiss her). But he never talked about the root of the problem, that is, just what is it she doesn't like about him?

3) At some point towards the end she told him that they only had two dates so lets just wait and see how it goes. That was a perfect apportunity for him to confront her on dishonesty, and again he didn't! First of all, wanting to see how it goes contradicts their original decision to always stay friends. The original decision was not a misunderstanding -- after all when he tried to kiss her afterwords she told him "I thought we agree to just be friends". If that original decision was only temporary, as she later told him, then why not try and kiss her to see if "temporary" decision had changed? So her behavior clearly implies that her decision was permanent. And if it was, then it means that she believes that one or two dates IS enough to make such decision. Then how come she told him that it was not enough, as a justification of why they are not in a relationship? She can't have it both ways!Thus, what she later says is a lie on two accounts: first of all she lied that decision was only temporary. And secondly she lied that two dates is not enough to make decision one way or the other, while her own earlier action of making permanent decision based on just one date clearly tells us otherwise. Now what bothers me is why didn't he confront her on all these lies? How does he feel about the fact that he was just lied to? Doesn't he want to defend himself at all? The way to defend himself against lies is by making her accountable for every word she says, and that is what I recommend. What strikes me is that he didn't do that. HER behavior is understandable -- she doesn't want to hurt him. But I can't get why didn't HE do something about it to get her to be more honest?

Now, I know that post that I brought up has nothing to do with original poster here. But since I find this behavior far too common (that post was just one random example), I really don't want this original poster to be in this same situation. I really want him to try and defend himself if something like this comes up.

Last edited by Roman on 31 Jan 2010, 6:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

I wouldn't mess with it man just be her friend if she says she's not interested she isn't interested sad but the truth. Don't try and find out why don't try and ask her how you can change and don't push wanting to date her it'll only end up ruining what you do have just be her friend and maybe ask her to introduce to her girl friends sometime. But mostly move on from wanting to date her it's better to look for someone else, keep her friendship that has value and meaning but look else where for love. If she ever wants to be with you that's her choice to make not yours and there isn't anything you can do to change her mind but you can still look for someone who does like you and will be with you.

I've said this I don't know how many times if you know a girl and she is your friend but doesn't want to date accept her friendship and move on. She has friends that may like you and will meet you since your her friend or maybe a friend of a friend of a friend. Most people date within groups of friends and are introduced through friends so just stick with it and look else where for love. Be her friend and she'll be yours and no friend wants their friend to be unhappy so I'm sure she'll try and hook you up with someone eventually once she knows you well enough or finds someone who might go well with you. Girls like to play matchmaker alot so just be her friend and make more friends you'll find somebody don't give up and don't obsess over one girl that'll cost you the friendship.

Not necesserely. One thing I noticed about NT-s is that they trust their "instincts" far more than logic. As a result it might be the opposite. If she haven't thought of reasons why she doesn't like him, she just has an overall picture that he is "not for her". Once NT has overall picture it is very hard to change. On the other hand, if she articulates the specific reasons, then he might perswade her that overall picture is just fine, there were just unfortunate A, B, and C that screwed it, so if we undo A, B, and C everything will be cool.



No. If there are aspects of himself in it, he should point them out. In this specific context, it can be easilly done without comming across as pushy! After all, that is the topic they are talking about.

As far as demonstrating in time (if it is done without first verbally agreeing that this is what he will do) that is very self defeating: just think what it will do to his self esteem when he tries to work hard and demonstrate something to someone while the other person already has their mind made up and don't expect any demonstrations? Now don't get me wrong: yes I do agree that what he says should be consistent with his further actions. But in order for this to be a fair game, he should get her to explicitly agree to "watch" what he is going to demonstrate and "evaluate him". If she explicitly agrees with that, then the game is not over and so he can go for it!



Again, he should get HER to say "until something may change in the future". If SHE says it is forever, while HE tells himself that it is "until something may change in the future", then he is simply lying to himself.



I agree she would be a good friend. But what will it do to his self esteem to see someone ever week, konwing that they have low opinion of him in at least some aspects?

Last edited by Roman on 31 Jan 2010, 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

You can't spend your life waiting for something that might never happen.

Why not look for someone else? If she ends up liking you further down the road then you can deal with it then.

I wouldn't reccomend asking her what she doesn't like about you. Bad idea. That sends people running for the hills being put on the spot and probed.