is there a way...

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,,,that I could go to some party or other social event and not be immediately ostracized? A lot of the advice geared towards me is telling me to get out more, but it's hard to do that when getting out more tends to just get me burned. Is there any way I can get accepted into a group without prejudice or not?

Go with an NT friend?

Yes, it depends on the sort of people who go there.

Go with a group of friends, not by yourself. A lot of people, even NTs find it a struggle to attend events alone and fit in straight away.

I completely get the problem! Maybe easing into it would help, such as starting with small social events where you know a few people and gradually moving up to larger and louder ones where you don't necessarily know anyone. Going gradual is crucial, as you won't make progress until you start racking up small victories!

Do you have a friend who goes to parties and would be willing to bring you along? If so, your friend might be able to introduce you to people. To reduce your anxiety, maybe make plans to leave after a certain amount of time--if you know you can leave if you have to, that might make it easier to focus on the situation around you. It'll give you that sort of confidence Sound talks about all the time.

If you've run out of people to talk to and have to be that guy standing around awkwardly, it's better to stand by the food rather than the potted plant and introduce yourself to people who come by. (Something like "hi, I like your hat" or "hi, have you tried this [whatever food], it's really good" are a little lame, but they'll at least start a conversation if you can't think of a better way).

Toad, you seem to focus a lot on the negative things about yourself. I know from experience, though, if you go to a social event and all you think of is the stupid things you did, it gives negative reinforcement and makes you want to go less the next time, and if you do overcome your anxiety and go, you'll be more awkward. Try to find something--anything--that you did right. That good eye contact you made, or that funny joke you told, or whatever. Then the next time, try to repeat it, and do one better. Hope this helps.

It's something to work on. Being okay with not fitting in or immediately clicking with people will help. It helps to be relaxed, so doing things that build confidence and aid general relaxation might help you. People seem to find me about 100x more approachable for being more comfortable in myself. Do things that you are somewhat interested and enthusiastic about, rather than going to things soley for the purpose of being out somewhere where there's people, so even if you aren't clicking with them, you still benefit.

I wish you all success.

Maybe parties aren't the right venue for you. They aren't for me. I do better with group activities, like Sierra Club hikes, community trash pick-up days, spiritual groups. I don't know what you're into, but I've found that even if I'm not talking with anyone, I still feel more comfortable because I'm engaged doing something rather than just standing around feeling lame and stupid.

In short, no. If you were ostracized, it will be due in part to your behavior. Until those undermining behaviors (or whatever it is) are identified and addressed, then you'll continue to get those results. Getting out, however, is how you identify those things that are holding you back, and is also how you get practice, and cement your progress. It is very necessary, and you're doing the right thing for you by putting in that difficult and sometimes painful effort.

Beyond that, however, you should also be doing some reading on social topics, and getting ideas and realizations during your 'off-time.'

If you're not sure why things turned out as they did in this most recent outing, then perhaps we can help figure out how things could have gone differently if you tell us about it.


Hm, actually, that's a good point. If you over-reach, the potential growth from the occasion drops. A good goal would be to do things that are a bit challenging, but you feel a bit confident about. So going places without some social support might not be a good idea, unless you feel like you can pull it off with some success.

find people who share common interests. any party of people who would ostracize you right when you walk in are a group of @-holes who aren't worth knowing. at least you find out how lame they are right away, so don't waste your time. parties are stupid anyway, unless they are legitimately celebrating something and full of goodwill. other parties seem to be about getting drunk/laid which you really don't need a party for anyway.

If you're going alone and don't really know most of the people at the party, it'd be a lot harder to fit in and even the socially adept may find themselves kind of shut out. Also don't get discouraged by one bad night; not every night out is a great one.

If you are going with friends, good friends, and find yourself shut out anyway, then I'd have to know more about how you behave in such events than what you're telling me.

You live in New Jersey. There have got to be some Asperger's meet-up groups in your general area and they are great!

(The ones in my area are great, anyway. I live in a major metropolitan area and the Asperger's meet up group here has a regular rotation around the larger geographical area so everyone has a chance to go to the meet ups at local coffee shops, fun but inexpensive restaurants, etc., and everyone knows they can do this every few weeks at the very least--even if they don't drive. And at the meet-ups in my area, there are always a fair number of NT's going as well.)

Meet-up groups are a great way to have some real fun, practice social skills, and get to know some people who can then--maybe! --go with you to the places you've already been going to, only now you'll have a friend with you.

I also agree with DonkeyBuster about group hikes, trash pick-ups, etc., and for all the reasons cited. Group activities can be the best for meeting new people.

Go to www.meetup.com . Put "Asperger's" in the "Topic or Interest" window, and your Zip Code in the City/Zip Code window. Okay, I just now did this for "Princeton, New Jersey" (because my parents used to live near there) and two different meet-up groups came up (one with 74 members).

Hope this helps!

Go with a good friend who is friends with the party-goers and not too sociable either (or the friend may over-outshine you). The trick is to alter your perception. Not everyone at parties knows each other so it is not the biggest deal. Another condition is to go to a nerdy, squeaky-clean party. Nerds/geeks may be more likely to accept Aspies. And you won't have to cope with drunkenness/insults/perceptions you're immature. Some people may ostracise you but not all.

How you dress is huge.

What do you normally wear?

For me, going to cosplay conventions was the best thing i've ever done in my life ( ok, might be exagerated? )
I met SO many people trough the cosplay conventions, and made so many new friends who share the same interests as me.

So maybe you should try to go to a convention for something you like?

And whatever you do, don't emulate this guy:

This is a tough one, Toad. It somewhat depends on the type of social gathering we're talking about, though it's a good thing that you can even get an invitation.

It's much easier if you can go with a friend, but if not then here's my advice. If this is an actual party we are talking about, some people won't like this advice but my advice is to have 2 alcoholic drinks 1 beforehand 1 at the party, or 3 but 2 beforehand if you are a big guy. Maybe a little more if you have some drinking experience, not enough to get hammered, just enough to be a little more relaxed and less overstimulated. If it's a party with alcohol provided, just carry your cup around, having to hold something up keeps you from crossing your arms and projecting bad body language.

If it is a D & D or Star Trek Convention probably best to just have the drinks beforehand. When I got invited to stuff it worked for me. I wasn't ostracized, and seemed to even draw some people to me. However, when I was out of the party environment I seemed to put these people off, it is difficult to switch modes when you are talking to someone you met at a party. That part I don't have figured out in the least.

Not my experience. In my experience, the so called nerds are the only ones even less accepting than the party animals. They're just as bad as some of the closed minded jackholes on the internet. They can be extremely cliquish if you are not the right type of nerd. Some nerds are very social.