Making a girl work for your affection

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Some of you men don't seem to see that we women are human beings with feelings too. Some of you chaps feel that a girl must work for your affection and it is true, trust can only be earned. But some of you complain that society is unfair. Why should men make the first move? But you are forgettin that women get nervous too. If a lassie makes a bit of effort and you feel that it is not enough and don't trust her even if she is sincere, she will get hurt. If you keep acting like this she will give up.

Yeah, I've noticed this as well.

Where I come from, it's much rarer for girls to ask guys out due to social norms, so I would almost say it's harder for girls to ask guys out than vice versa because a lot of guys get scared away by a 'forward' girl and so the message we're sent is that we're supposed to wait for the guy to make the first move.

I used to think this ment that as a girl, I was supposed to just act uninterested until a guy asked me out, but I realised later that that's not going to happen; very few people will take a shot in the dark, when there are plenty of other people around willing to signal interest.

I think both parties need to send signals to show interest; it shouldn't be the sole responsibility of one sex.

That said, personally I do prefer it when the guy asks me on a date first. In my experience, if you ask a guy out first, you end up doing all the work in the rest of the relationship because they sort of sit back and go "ha, look how hot I am; this girl's falling over herself for me, she must really dig me, so I don't need to do jack s**t in this relationship". I know that's not true for all guys, but I've seen it happen often enough that I would be very wary asking a guy out on a first date.

If I did ask a guy out first, and they started making me 'prove' my interest or other crap, I would drop them immediately. As far as I'm concerned, I liked you enough to ask you out; now it's your turn to prove you're interested back.

Although I must admit in that sort of situation I would not be able to see or recognize signs that signal interest.
One would have to literally come up to me to strike up a conversation.
One person has done that, but she was smoking and she was with some people I did know and they called me when I was cycling towards a record shop to buy a Beach Boys record, so I could not stay for long.
That, and of course, anxiety.

Personally, I am fond of forward females. And given that I am very shy initially until I get to know someone, I would find it a bit ridiculous if I did not like a woman propositioning me. I find that rather self-defeating to have a hard time making the first move but not liking it when the other gender does. It is indeed the social norm here for men to be the aggressive gender, particularly here in the countryside. But if a woman did show her affection to me, even if I didn't like her that way, I would still be honored and I would at least talk to her about it. But if I did in fact like her, that she would actually pursue me would go a very long way towards feeling comfortable around her. At least then I feel like we are on some even level, she has shown she does actually care about me just by asking. But, that's my own view.

Descartes30, I understand what you intended to mean in your post (at least I think I do), but propositioning means to solicit sex for payment usually. I'm just letting you know so that you won't get someone mad without meaning to.

I think your attitude is good and positive, good luck in your search for Ms. Right.

For some reason, most males want to blame females for being rejected. (annoying) Alot of us go through the same rejections. Yet, I've seen more males than females that go around feeling 'depressed' or trying to figure out what other people do wrong.

Fellas.. When's the last time you got rejected because you had a spot of ackney? How about being rejected because of what shoes you wear? Because you had a nice paying job? How about the sound of the way you laugh? Men are very picky themselves, so do at least try not to think one is worse than the other. If you look too picky, your going to be displaying "control need" traits to us.

I've noticed that too and have experienced more of it on this forum than any other.

There seems to be this attitude that women have it "easier". If you speak from a female perspective about how hard it is, you're either ugly or expecting the other guy to make the first move. I can't believe the amount of generalizations made here. I've come to the point where I will post once in a while when someone asks what their experiences or feelings are but other than that, I leave most of the male threads spewing about how awful women are up to most of the male members here. Been here since 2008 and not much has changed and not a lot you can do to change it.

Don't get me wrong, not every guy in here is like that and I see some interesting if not educational posts by guys giving a male perspective when it comes to the struggles and observations of dating and relationships.

Some of you women don't seem to see that we men are human beings with feelings too. Some of you gals feel that a guy must work for your affection and it is true, trust can only be earned. But some of you assume that society is fair. Why should women make the first move? But you are forgettin that men get nervous too. If a guy makes a bit of effort and you feel that it is not enough and don't trust him even if he is sincere, he will get hurt. If you keep acting like this he will give up.

Two different genders makeing the same type of effort find each other. A person treating it like a one way deal just seem kind of selfish to me.

The reason I think this thread started is because of this attitude being sent across in this forum...

"She has to like me for who I am. If I'm quiet, she needs to like it anyway. Why can't she open up to me more? What did I do wrong? I expect a women to be sexualy attractive. Don't you understand, people, that selected girl I persue is a jerk for not likeing me the way I am? Let's diesect this problem and why she can't accept me. 'diesects the problem over and over again and prefers their own conclusions' They only care about (object a) and (skill B). I'm so lonely. Oh that girl? She doesn't interest me. Oh boy. I'm so lonely."

Most men, literaly, don't makes posts that look like that. A couple have, and some folks are frustrated.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 14 Mar 2010, 3:11 pm, edited 10 times in total.

There's needs to be balance. I don't think one person should be forced to do all the pursuing. Both parties should make an effort.

True but what LiendaBalla said is also true. Both sides need to realise that relationships need work from the very start.

Things that are needed in a relationship: compatibility, attraction of some kind (in both parties) and respect.

Compatibility and attraction of some kind (in both parties) are obvious.

About respect: A person who doesn't wash for a week and smells bad because of this is not respecting that other people may have functioning noses (I say this half in jest...) , but really respect is really important.

If these three things are not present, the relationship (if it even gets off the ground) will probably not be a good one.

Proposition
–noun
1. the act of offering or suggesting something to be considered, accepted, adopted, or done.
2. a plan or scheme proposed.
3. an offer of terms for a transaction, as in business.

You may think that there is only one definition of it, the third one, but that is not the case. Just letting you know that there are other, older, definitions of it. Which was definitely my meaning, that she states to me that she is interested in me, not that she's a prostitute.

YES. lol. Thank you for posting this exactly as you have!



I give men the same right to complain that society is unfair in that social expectations still tend to suggest that men are supposed to be the pursuers, just as I allow women to complain that society is unfair in that higher pay/professional advancement is still offered predominantly to men.

Of course both situations are still evolving, but women can't force their bosses to disregard their gender while considering them for that CEO position, just as men can't very well insist that women ask them out on dates.

Though a woman may struggle and work her tail off to get the job she deserves, her boss's socially-inclined preference for males may prevail, and she may lose that new promotion to her male co-worker. And if a man has been waiting for a woman he has interest in to ask him out, she may have been raised to believe she is not supposed to be forward with her interests in men, and he may have to set his anxieties aside and ask himself.

Society is still a bit unfair in that there are many lingering expectations based solely upon one's gender. It is understandable why one would choose to complain about them, but things aren't going to change today or tomorrow.



The fact that some women do think that they aren't supposed to demonstrate interest in a guy is part of the perpetuation of the predetermined notion that men are expected to. It's awesome that you recognized that it's not going to happen if you don't put yourself out there, too.

Both parties do need to send signals... That is to say that this social presupposition can only be alleviated by persons of both genders taking equal initiative in terms of approaching those of interest.

I pretty much do all of the work

I do understand that there are other meanings for this word but currently a very common usage is the one I mentioned and I just wanted to let you know that there were folks who could misunderstand you and get upset. I know that upsetting others would not be your intent.

Thank you for trying to clarify and for realizing that I would not intend to upset others. I am afraid that I do indeed tend to upset or confuse people with my word choices at times. Certainly I never use language that is offensive, but often I use words that can either be taken multiple ways or have very old meanings and uses. Maybe there has just been too much classic literature in my diet. Anyways, I appreciate your help.