again about a guy.

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Hi guys, I've posted topics on this before but i don't know if anyone remembers them so i'll start from the start. I live in a college, and have liked a guy from the college since i've lived here (2008). We started getting really close about mid last year, but every time something seemed like it was happening between us, the next day he'd act like we just met. For instance we went to the movies recently and held hands and everything was great, but the next day he didn't talk to me. I always thought he was just shy, but after further analysis revealed he acts differently towards me depending on who he's around and how he feels like on the day. Everytime i think it's over i tell myself to get over him but he starts flirting with me again, so i get my hopes up, and he goes back to hardly talking to me. I'm sick being on this rollercoaster so I decided if i completely stop hanging out with him then i will be happier because i won't be getting let down all the time, but it's really hard. I really like him although he pisses me off and can't get over him., The other hard thing is that he's part of my group of friends so not being around him means not being around my friends, and i'm slowly being isolated. Being at a college means i see him every night at tea, and sometimes at meals during the day so I can't distance myself from him. Any suggestions?

-Cad

You could ask him about it, put it all on the table. At least then you'll know what's going on and there wont be such indeterminacy and you'll know whether you need to move on or not. It would be awkward and not fun, but worth it in the long run.

Get away from him? A guy who will treat you differently with different people around to the extent of completely altering whether its on or off - he's not a man. Don't bother with him. People can feel ambivalent toward people who are interested in them but an adult will know the harm in that and either cut ties or let you know quite clearly, if they like you on different level, that they'd rather pursue a friendship rather than a 'relationship' in the way its typically meant. He's showing blatant disregard to your feelings and it sounds pretty f'd up.

thanks for your input guys, I've often thought of just asking him, but when I try and lead into it (i'm not a very confrontational person) he changes the subject so i'd have to be very blatant. Our friends tell me he likes me but is shy, but like I say it's pretty confusing to tell. They say sometimes they try and urge him on to ask me out for lunch etc and sometimes he does and says they made him do it, and sometimes apparently he gets really angry at them. But yeah i think i have to get away from him before i get too stressed. The good moments together are slowly getting grossly outweighed by the bad.

I'll put it this way - we know of a guy who's 33, likes a girl who's 30, has liked her for ten years and done nothing. My friend actually was hitting it off with her in front of him, I don't typically get a laugh out of that kind of thing but the fact that he took offense, whether my friend and I had been there by his invite or not, the trouble is this - either someone can close the deal or they can't. If they can't close the deal, they need to move on. A few weeks is enough, if he's been around her for ten years - it'll never happen, the same could have likely been said after three or four months.

Some girls will have guys like this around to hold their coat at a bar while they pick up guys, you sound like a much better person than that at least. Seriously though, if he's too shy to even keep the conversation on, I stick to what I said before - he's either not a man or not interested, in the later case he could simply be liking the attention which is pretty messed up and, in the rare case that he likes you, I think he needs to learn fast that guys can't behave like this, if he does he'll find himself 60 with no kids and never having had a relationship (and I can't describe how sick he'll feel at that point). Many women are ruthless to this kind of thing, you may want to cut him less brakes, otherwise he'll learn this lesson much later rather than sooner.

whoa, has this guy been hospitalized in the past year for being psychotic or is he on any medication? Sounds like this guy is weapons grade crazy. Stick boobs and long hair on him and he'd be indistinguishable from those crazy mindgameplaying hot chicks.

stupid lag.

OP, you've gotten good advice. The only thing I can add is that you have to stop fantasizing about him, and what a relationship with him would be like. Those fantasies are feeding your feelings for this guy, and making it harder to stay away from him. And stay away from him you should.

It almost seems to me like hes ashamed of you. Ged rid of him. It's normal for people to act like this... in primary school.

I have a friend who is exactly the same and thankfully don't like him like that, but put it on the table and depending on what he says and does move from there.

He is ashamed of me Hale_bopp, i know that for sure. He doesn't like me driving him anywhere or waring certain clothes around him, and if i ask him to go to a party with me etc he only goes if his other friends go. I think I will go talk to him though and just ask him what the hells going on.



I'm a really tolerant person and I find it hard to not give people second chances because i may be in the wrong. And i suspect he does like the attention.

another thing i should add is that his bro apparently had this psycho crazy gf ages ago and he talks about it a lot and how she was such a slut and maybe he thinks i'm gonna be like that. I will talk to him tho.

Honey, I wish you wouldn't confront him about this. He's ashamed of you - that's the deal-breaker: this man is not worthy of you. If you do choose to confront him, he'll either continue to be evasive or he's going to be brutal with you. It seems as though you've given this guy more than a year's worth of second chances. He's not scarred by his brother's crazy ex-gf, he's not worried you'll be a slut - please stop trying to find excuses for his behavior. You'll likely feel better if you take back your power and walk away from him.

You don't have to answer this as its a rather private and direct question, thus one that you need to answer internally for yourself: where does your tolerance come from? Understanding or believing that you don't understand thus not desiring to misstep? Typically speaking, with understanding, tolerance takes a more finite shape and you find that while your empathy grows in some directions, you'll gain antipathy in other directions where you see what's distinctly wrong, unjust, and where its much more clear cut than you might have realized previously (I came from that sort of place and went through this process myself).

I'm just saying - there are certain things you really shouldn't tolerate as there's neither benevolence nor practicality in doing so but rather simply being a door mat.


Because your female!? That makes no sense whatsoever. If he's known you as long as you say he has that's either not the case at all or, he's such a bad judge of character that he'll likely never know you (let alone he'd be a liability). Either answer leads in the same direction - lose him.

Yes. I don't think this boy deserves to be in your company, the idea reply would be tell him to f**k off and never speak to him again, but I also know infatuation is blind.

I'm hoping that you will be able to do this and get over him. He doesn't sound like he's worth being friends with either.

Also I egree with the excuses thing, you obviously want to like him but those aren't excuses for his behaviour. He just needs to grow up. Maybe he will realise what hes lost when you don't want anything to do with him.

All the time being spent speculating about this guy, wondering about him, etc. could be spent on other people who are worth your time and energy. There are thousands upon thousands of guys in this world. This guy sounds like a load of bad baggage. I wouldn't waste any more time on him, if it were me!

Hearing some of the things you've said, I've changed my mind about the advice I gave earlier. Generally I would advocate transparency, but if he's ashamed of you then he's definitely not worth it, not now, not ever.