been dating a girl for 5 months now

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This is the longest relationship I've had, and I thought I'd share some of my story/thoughts. I work a lot (50+ hours a week) and only get to see this girl a few times a week. She constantly wants to be with me and misses me, but I am comfortable with a lot more space. I enjoy hanging out a couple times a week, watching a movie/doing something and then having sex, but she always seems to want more. This girl always wants a more serious level of relationship, but I'm not comfortable with that and am still very much in the learning stages, whereas she is much more experienced and wants to settle down.

I like the physical part of the relationship, I find her attractive although she is a bit overweight, but I find I am often forced to say "I love you." I am not sure I know what love means, and am often preoccupied with my own obsessions and interests, and have difficulty sharing them with her, despite them being what drives me. I would like to date more women and have a different girlfriend, but I know how hard it is to find a girl (or has been for me), so I think I will keep this going for awhile. Is this callous? This girl says she wants a soulmate, and thinks I am "the guy"... but how can she want someone so distant? More importantly, why am I so distant? Is it possible for me to really connect with an NT? I often feel I am just "playing the role," and not even trying very hard. The irony is that yes it's true, women do like jerks, and this does little to dissuade her from thinking I'm her dream guy. I am suspicious of her intentions though. She has said she just wants a "hot, rich boyfriend" and apparently that's me. So maybe she is just trying to attach herself to me to ensure her future financial wellbeing? I am not rich, but I am educated, have a high paying trades job, and own a car and townhouse in a pricey city. She is uneducated, works in an office, and doesn't have much.

I feel I have the looks (I am tall and physically built), I am smart, have my own car and house (well, the bank owns most of my townhouse...), but I just can't seem to put it together with women. Maybe I am too odd and out there to ever really have lots of girlfriends?

My point is, I feel like now that I have a girlfriend and have achieved my main goal of a relationship (regular sex), it is still not completely satisfying, and I think as an AS guy, I don't really find people to be ultimately fulfilling. I may be a guy who gets his highest satisfaction from learning, working with things, and ideas...

Thoughts?

You appear to be more devoted to your work, pity your not in a relationship with that entity

Well said, Lene. Seriously, OP - you have no qualms about being "forced" to say "I love you" when you don't love this girl? How exactly are you being forced? Does she hold a gun to your head? Or are you just lying to her to achieve your "main goal" of getting regular sex? And that would also mean that your conduct is not really about your naivete or lack of experience, but about your selfishness.

Yes, it is actually the definition of callous to lie about loving someone in order to get steady sex. It's even more callous to wish you could trade up to some better girl the whole time you're accepting steady sex from this girl - under false pretenses.

I don't know if you're capable of forming an intimate connection with an NT, but I don't know if that's related to your AS or your character. I do know that you can't form an intimate connection with anyone on a foundation of lies. If she thinks you're her dream guy, it's because you're lying to her about loving her, and about what you want out of the relationship. (Yes, every time she tells you she thinks you're her soulmate and you don't correct her - you're lying.) Why is that so hard to understand? There's no "all women really want jerks" issue to wrestle with here - you're pretending that you're not a jerk. Try telling her you're just using her for sex until someone better comes along. See if you're still her Prince Charming then.

This is why I stay single and take offense to those who say people like me are "too picky." You're better off being single than putting half-effort into a relationship for ulterior motives (sex, not to be alone, etc.) and using people goes against everything I believe in. Sure, it might result in romantic loneliness and sexual frustration, but at least I'm not harming anyone else in the process.

Yes, I realize I sound like Toad (and that's not a bad thing) but it's true. How the OP can even look himself in the mirror is beyond me. I'm sure sex is great, but not worth saying "I love you" to a woman you don't even like or respect, let alone love.

I think you're having a "OK, now what!" moment, when it comes to your relationship with this girl. You've probably been wanting a girlfriend ever since puberty kicked in. And now you found one! But the problem is, you haven't had a chance to learn what it's like to be in a relationship back when you were in high school, so now, you're at a complete loss of what you're "supposed" to be feeling. So when that girl showed interest in you, you were probably so overjoyed (and no one can really blame you for it), that you jumped into a relationship with her without paying attention to your feelings. I'm sure the first few weeks were pure bliss, with you getting what you've been wanting for a very long time. And you're probably well aware of the fact that if you break up with this girl, it might take you the same length of time to find another girlfriend.

I'll actually give you the benefit of doubt here, and not accuse you of being manipulative. After all, it took you many years to find your current girl, and you're not too willing to let all that time and effort go to waste, so to speak, by breaking up with her. You know you plan to stay with her long-term, but at the same time, the sex, affection, and companionship she gives you makes you want to keep seeing her. I actually had a similar situation once, which resolved on its own when the girl I was seeing at the time broke up with me.

I've foreseen having this issue, and I intend to be sure I like someone that much before it gets too serious. Then again, somethings to can't learn without going that far.

Get out.....

This girl has feelings for you but it seems obvious you don't feel the same way about her.

It isn't fair for her or you. She might get hurt but it'll only get worse in the long run.

I hope you're using protection btw, my brother was the same way and now he's stuck with a son he rarely meets. It's pretty sad what "sex" can provide especially when it's a kid who didn't asked to be born in the mix.

She is looking for a meal ticket and for someone else to pay the bills and you are seeking a more casual relationship. This is not a good match and I hate to say it but you need to get out.

Space, a lot of what you and Aspie1 describe reminds me of what my romantic relationships were like. I would go out with pretty much anyone who was interested in me, but the initial thrill and excitement of being in a new relationship would quickly wear off, and I would be left feeling confused. (For some reason romantic relationships really mess with my head.) I know what attraction and/ or lust feel like, because I have experienced them many times, but I am still not sure what love feels like.

All relationships require time and energy (although some people say that if you are in love, it does not feel like work). Like many people with Asperger's Syndrome, however, I need a lot of time by myself to recharge (which includes working on my interest). I find life in general, and interpersonal relationships in particular, to be very draining. I never found the right balance when I was dating, so I decided to take a break after my last relationship ended, and that was several years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I like the idea of a romantic relationship more than living the actual relationship. (Perhaps dating someone else with AS would help because they would also have a strong need for isolation?)

Anyway, you are not necessarily a mean and manipulative person. You are just a guy with AS. The woman you are in a relationship with clearly has different feelings and expectations than you have. You should tell her that you do not feel the same way about her, and if the relationship ends, then it ends. C'est la vie.

Finally, for future reference, if you are just looking for sex, you might want to try to find a "friend with benefits" (also known as a "f__k-buddy"). There are websites for meeting people who are looking for that. (At the risk of stating the obvious, be sure to always use condoms.)

i broke up with her tonight. i just said i dont feel the same, and i'm only going to break her heart worse if we went on . i was beginning to question her motives too... i was scared about her getting pregnant on purpose , and some nt friends were telling me i should get out, so i figured the writing was on the wall. i'm i sad but also relieved . i think it was meant to end this way. back to the single aspie life i guess! for now, at least.

You did the right thing. How'd she take it?

Not an easy thing to do but it was the right thing. Unfortunately we aspies have to learn this stuff when we are adults and not in high school like everyone else. Look at it this way it proves you are able to find a woman, unfortunately one got hurt along the way.