Engagement

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Hello--

I have been in a long-term relationship (5 years this fall) with a man who has AS. We are committed to being together and have discussed buying a home and starting a family. However, when the topic of getting engaged comes up, he just gets confused. He has admitted the idea of getting engaged is confusing because he said he doesn't understand the purpose, I have tried to explain to him that it is a show of commitment and it is a step before marriage (something we have also discussed and plan on doing once we are both finished with our PhD programs, in about 3-4 years) but my words just aren't connecting with him.

Does anyone have tips or advice on how to explain this to him?

Howdy, neighbor! (I'm nearby, in suburban Boston)

Unfortunately, this needs to be explained to a lot of men, not just Aspies. When you commit yourself to a long-term plan as a woman, you need *some* reassurance that you aren't putting all your eggs in one basket (literally). You're 28, you have plenty of time to have children, but if, God forbid, something happened to your relationship in five years and you had to start all over again with someone else, it won't be so easy for you. He can just walk away and impregnate someone else the next day. I don't mean to be harsh, this is nothing against his character, but it's really that simple. By "reserving" you, he's showing you that he intends to follow through with what you've discussed. Now, if he's balking because he doesn't want to buy a ring (I never had one and never missed it) or because the thought of a huge wedding bothers him (it bothered me), that's something different. But too many men are allowed to "skate along" without real commitment and that leaves some women with fewer choices down the road. A sad fact of life. I've seen it happen, and it's heartbreaking.

It's barbaric, but that's why it's traditionally done that way.

i don't really get what engagement is for either. it seems like a whole lot of ado for something that i don't really understand the purpose of. (sorry - i had to preface my comment as i am female)

that part aside... what i ultimately think: if it is important to one of the partners, then the other partner should be willing to be flexible about it. because it's so important to you, OP, i hope you are able to explain it in a way that he will care about.