Is Women's Problem That They Don't Feel the Pain of Rejectio

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I've also had experiences in the past when women have given me wrong numbers,friends numbers,or non-existent.What I'd learn is that there not interested in me,that's mess up.I told these to my therapist when women have given me those false numbers,and she didn't understood that they can do that.Men can also do that to women as well,don't get me wrong.Unfortunately,the media shows that men are the culprits in what's wrong in the world of relationships.

Way to make a crazy, controversial claim on a controversial thread from TWO YEARS AGO.
This represents necro-posting brought from out of the realm of skill, and into that of an art.

Well firstly its not "womens problem" if they aren't interested in you.

Secondly, they do feel the pain, some don't, but you will find a lot of us find it very hrd to reject a person when you're not interested because it will hurt them.

I still feel stuff as a girl. I think it's weird how you worded the title of this thread, "Is women's problem that..." as if you think we have a problem and this is just one of your theories, that we don't feel pain of rejection. I think it's a strange theory since most people equate women as more emotional than men.

I 'feel the pain', but probably just differently than you. I don't really get asked out (I have a handful of times, but not on a regular basis), but if I turn a guy down it's usually really hard for me to do. But, on the other hand, typically guys act like it isn't a big deal to them or have this attitude like I never mattered to them anyway so it's kind of hard to feel sympathy for them. I haven't felt successful in approaching guys so I simply don't do it, plus I'm okay with being single for now. I'm sure everyone has different fears when it comes to approaching someone and rejection. In my case, it seems most guys just want to sleep with you right off the bat and that just isn't what I want to do. I guess while guys feel they are being rejected, girls feel they are not being pursued or that they are not desired.

Probably already been said, but I'm not going to read 8 pages to find out. I am a woman and I acutely feel the pain of a man I might reject. That's exactly why I don't get into relationships. Unless I feel really sure it going to work out then I'd just as soon not start. I know this seems ridiculous, but I don't have the emotional fortitude for drama. I had enough growing up.

I know not rejection in this context. Only what could be described as 'pre-emptive' rejection. You can't be rejected by someone you never liked in the first place.

It is when giving someone false hope (ie wrong numbers, saying they;d like to meet with someone then ignoring them until they stop chasing)

No I understand how bad a guy must feel if I reject him (wow, that sounds big-headed of me) I don't mean that I'm so wonderful it must be awful when I say no, but rather, I mean that I had a friend that really liked me. I didn't realise how much at the time and he was always wanting to spend time with me. He is possibly the closest I have ever been to dating because he used to text me and invite me to go out for a coffee and we would meet up and talk for hours. But I didn't feel any attraction and I started to realise that he liked me and I felt awful. I wanted to be his friend, but I didn't want to hurt him. A friend of mine said to me, "why don't you just go out with him." But I didn't want to play with his feelings when I felt nothing. I didn't want him to think he had a chance when he didn't. If I had gone out with him and it didn't work out it would have hurt him worse than just nipping it in the bud.

He doesn't talk to me anymore. When I see him he avoids me. I think I hurt him and I didn't mean to. I feel his pain. I still want to be friends, but he doesn't, so I have to respect that and let him keep his distance.

Did he actually say he felt that way about you, Because there is nothing in your post which mentions that. Are you sure he just didn't think of you as a close friend and he was hurt because you jumped to the wrong conclusion?

Please do correct me if I am wrong but your post suggests that wires may have been crossed.

The problem here is not that women don't feel the pain of rejection. In some cases, the "false hope" is given precisely because the woman understands the man's pain of rejection and tries to soften the blow by being gently discouraging (wrong number) rather than saying "no, I don't want to". The actual rejection takes place in private (when he tries to call) and she doesn't have to witness it. This strategy also lets him save face in front of his friends. They see him getting her phone number and he gets "points" for that with them. When it doesn't work, he can lie to them that he decided not to call her for whatever reason. This strategy works just fine with NT men. And nearly all of the men who approach her will be NT so she keeps doing it.

So I think the real problem here is that women have it ingrained not to be confrontational. A woman carefully crafts her rejection in a non-confrontational way. Sometimes she says "no" right then as gently as possible. Sometimes she puts a time-delay on the rejection so she won't even be there when it happens (wrong number). Aspie men find this confusing, aggravating, infuriating. But then again, an Aspie man posting here may be literally the only Aspie man who has ever apprioached her so she goes with what worked just fine with the previous 100 (NT) men.

I used to do this back when I was single (the 80's). Sometimes I would say "no" in just about the gentlest way I could possibly think of. I discovered very quickly (highschool) that just saying "no, thanks, I'm sure you're a nice person but not my type" was not enough. Boys who I gave the "thanks but no thanks" rejection to would try to convince me to go out with them anyway despite my intial rejection. Alternatively, they would label me a (female dog) and tell everybody that I was stuck up and too full of myself to go out with them. I quickly learned that no (NT) boy would accept "no". (I have no idea if there were AS boys in the mix.) Either they would try harder to get me to say "yes" or they would become angered that I'd said "no" and resort to some ugly name calling. So I invented a parental rule that I wasn't allowed to date and made them the scapegoats. Eventually I got a boyfriend that made it all a moot point.

So that's where it's all born. In the feminine desire to not get confrontational. Some girls really just didn't care if their direct "no" made some boys try harder and other boys label them a b*****. To the boys who tried harder, they rejected them increasingly bluntly, until those boys joined the camp that called them a b*****. But they just didn't care. They were tough and seemed to embrace the b***** label. I envied their toughness but I just couldn't bring myself to copy it. I just wasn't tough enough.

After highschool, the stakes get higher for the girls who are now women because of the boys who are now men. A 16 year old boy will just hiss "b*****" and poke his frioends while they giggle about the stuck up....who thinks she's too good for him. The 23 year old man won't necessarily keep it limited to that. The boy who hisses "stuck up b***" sometimes grows into the man who makes a parking lot attack after the club closes. So when I became an adult, I stepped up the non-confrontational rejections. I clearly couldn't blame it on my parents anymore. But I handed out fake phone numbers and invented boyfriends.

This sort of casual lying seems to be an NT trait (although some AS women here may say "I did that too". I don't know.) If it is, it puts AS women in a very vulnerable position because that casual lying can be protective. (This is where an AS woman will post, "I don't need casual lying. I've got pepper spray!!". At least I hope so.)

So there you go. If the guy seems non-threatening, it's a way to make the rejection happen "off stage" so he saves face with his friends and she doesn't have to feel bad witnessing the rejection. If something about him broadcasts "this guy will react with hostility and possibly violence to a rejection" it isn't about letting him save face with his friends but rather about putting enough of a time delay on the rejection that she can make a safe "getaway" and won't be there when he gets angry.

I don't have the face of a model (not by a long shot!!) but I was very struck in the 80's by a magazine article about a woman who did. She was a model (not a famous one) who lived in an apartment building with a man who was attracted to her. He asked her out many times but she wouldn't go out with him. Eventually, infuriated by the rejection, he hired a hit man to destroy her modeling career by carving up her face. It was revenge for thinking she was "too good" for him. The hit man carved a giant X across her face. Both he and the hit man got jail time (yay!) but she didn't get anymore catalogue or runway modeling jobs. However, she was hired by a company that made scar covering makeup and she got a new job modeling for their ads and going to hospitals to demonstrate to scarred people how to apply the makeup. She wrote the article as a "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" inspirational story. I took it as a fair warning story about how the stakes can be when you reject a man. Few men will go that far. But it only takes one to wreck your life. Of course the passive "false hope" rejection doesn't work when he lives in your building. I lucked out in that department and never had a fellow tenant be like that.

It's probably because women mostly do not approach men. In fact they experience approaches often as 'oh no, another one.' Sorry to be so blunt.

A lot of the guys approaching are crude, or otherwise transmit a threatening vibe (which ruins it for the next guy who tries, who is probably nice enough). Also sometimes the timing just isn't right. It isn't the guy's fault most of the time but it isn't the woman's either. Just the wrong timing. How would he know she just got bad news and isn't in the mood to think about a date. But that's part of the problem of approaching a stranger. She could have a boyfriend, she could have just gotten some bad news, she could be gay, she could be...you see what I mean.

Get to know a woman a while first. This will cut down on miscommunication on both sides, notice I don't say it will erase it. Relationships aren't easy, even trying to find one is hard. But that is true for NTs also if that makes it any comfort to hear.

I guess there are some things the opposite genders won't ever really fully understand - For instance, men seem to think women will find catcalls flattering, when most women find them demeaning or threatening. But men seem to imagine what they would feel like if women told them such things instead. So some things may be too hard for the other gender to imagine.

Well I can't speak for every bloke but I would much rather be told to f**k off then be mislead. Plenty of other guys will say the same. Also please don't turn this into another AS/NT debate, lying is lying end of, if you aint interested you should have the decency to say so instead of being spineless and saying something different. We'd much prefer the honesty and take it on the chin, instead of being given the wrong impression which only makes us annoyed.

I had to turn someone down the other day, someone I met on a night out just over a month ago, and she said she wanted to meet up, have a few drinks and see what happens, the next time I was in my home city. I told her my affection was elsewhere, she didn't handle it too well, but at least I was honest and didn't give her any sort of false hope.

Also just for the record, AS women are the biggest liars going (in my experience) a lot of posters on here should perhaps bear that in mind whenever they decide to bash NT's in any posts they make.

[quote="Daemonic-Jackal]Well I can't speak for every bloke but I would much rather be told to f**k off then be mislead. Plenty of other guys will say the same. Also please don't turn this into another AS/NT debate, lying is lying end of, if you aint interested you should have the decency to say so instead of being spineless and saying something different. We'd much prefer the honesty and take it on the chin, instead of being given the wrong impression which only makes us annoyed.

I.[/quote]

I absolutely believe that that you would rather be told to "f off" than mislead but are you absolutely sure that other men could take it quite so well? My experience has been that they can't. These plenty of other guys may say that they would prefer the blunt rejection so they could continue on elsewhere and not waste their time. But in actual experience, (mine and other women's), the reaction to "no" has not been so accepting. Some really do persist and persist and persist, thinking that "no"="maybe, but first you have to convince me" and others think that "no"="I am an evil, evil woman and I need to be taught a lesson in the parking lot". No doubt there are men I misled who really would rather have been told "no" rather than my lie-du-jour to make them go away. However, I figured it was worth annoying them because of the men who wouldn't take no for an anwer, or who would prefer to save face in front of their friends, or who would get violent.

Yes, the tough girls in my highschool (and in adult life) had the guts to just say "no!". But they could generally back it up with a willingness to whack the guy across the face if it came to that. My misleading way is much more spineless. Yup. But I've known since elementary school that I am just terrible at self defense so I need to be pro-active. Since I don't put honesty above literally everything else, including self- preservation, oh well. You may think that a woman should be "decent" and never give you a wrong phone number. But if you remind her of the other guy last week who grabbed her wrist and said, "you think you're too good for me, b****?", then your need for honesty is trumped by her need for safety. You may think this is an unlikely occurance but it is very common.

Women are trained from girlhood to be non-confrontational. Women who defy that get a "b***" label and open themselves up to all sorts of hostility and sometimes violence. Just because you personally don't see it that way and would prefer the honesty doesn't mean it isn't the reality for many women. Recently, with the latest generation, there has been all sorts of "girl power" stuff which means that the current generation of girls may grow into women bold enough to say "no" and just rely on pepper spray if somebody doesn't take kindly to that. I hope so. But my time was the 80's and that was not yet in vogue. (And may not be in the future either, I don't know.)

I am perilously close to a feminist rant so I will cut it short. But if Aspie women can lie lie lie then good! It will save them if some man is willing to accept "I have a boyfriend" but isn't willing to accept "I'm not interested. You're not my type". You think this isn't a plausible threat but it IS!

Unfortunately you have just proven everything that's wrong with modern women thinking that just because some blokes are d*cks, you can treat us all the same.

How have I proven that? If anything, I thought I proved that modern women often treat men this same way for matters of self preservation. Did that point just seem irrelevent to you? Do you really think that your need for honesty trumps a woman's need for safety? It annoys, inconveniences and actively infuriates you. So women should react in a way that is in your best interests rather than in hers? That is selfish. It is selfish to insist that women put themselves in a bad position just on the outside chance that it happens to be you that she's rejecting and not some other guy. You want honesty? Convince all the other men that "no means no" and they should just walk away and do nothing further. Until that happens, the dishonesty will continue, as it should,