Does anyone else have this issue

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Samara1991
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20 Apr 2010, 2:51 pm

Currently I am 18 with a 23 year old boyfriend. My boyfriend still lives with his mother, has no job, has not graduated and thinks hes gods gift to girls everywhere. Lately he will not see me. I have started making friends online (thats the most comfortable way for me) and he doesnt like the idea that i talk to guys online although its perfectly fine for him to talk to girls. He has become manipulative and controlling. He knows what to say to make me upset and uses that against me. He will often tell me that there are other girls out there that are prettier and funnier. I have tried to just say whatever and let him play his childish games. I know that the relationship isnt good for me. It does more damage then anything. I just don't know how to end it. I feel stuck....I dont want to be single and everytime i try to end it i end up calling him back. Does any other girl and or guy go thru this?



Mouldy
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20 Apr 2010, 3:01 pm

Thats seems to me like a pretty unstable relationship, If he's trying to make you upset by looking at other girls then that must show you how little he thinks of you as a person. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he wouldnt keep mentioning all of these other girls and how they are better than you, It could well be a case of "i'll show that im interested in other girls to make you want me more" but i dont know but i do know that this does not sound like a good relationship and if it where me i would end it but then thats me it's your choice on how you face this. :wink:


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irishwhistle
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20 Apr 2010, 3:17 pm

Actually, a lot of people have gone through it. I know a woman who married a man like that. He did his best to break down her self-esteem, make her feel like she didn't deserve any better, would have tirades and then turn around and act sweet, treated her like she earned the bad treatment by her behavior, made everything her fault while doing all he could to cut her off from her friends and any interest she might have that would threaten to take her attention away from him, hide her things and tell her she was forgetful, got all their money in his name only so that she couldn't buy things, then would buy things for himself... controlling, controlling, controlling. It's called a narcissistic personality, and living with it is worse than being single.

Of course there are girls prettier and/or funnier somewhere, I suppose, that's the nature of humanity, and scarcely the point. You're the only you that there is, and there is nothing inferior about you. Even if you made the mistake of staying with him and being miserable because of his severe problems, which I dearly hope you don't, you'll always have more value than you can imagine. He does not have the right to treat you otherwise. He can never have it. He can only have your tolerance, and you don't have to allow him that. I bet you've noticed already that he never changes or improves, it sounds like you have. You've recognized that he has cycles he goes through and you're going through them with him. And you know enough to step out and leave him to it. The hard part, it sounds like, is not returning. You're at a crucial point... guys like this will keep it up as long as you keep coming back, and sometimes they'll get worse. He probably still lives with his mom because his personality is interfering with his keeping a job. It's all part of the package.

If he says there are better girls than you out there, then I'd suggest he go and find them and then get out, run as if your life depended on it. That isn't far from the truth. If I seem dramatic, it is because I'd hate to see someone else fall into the trap I've heard about so many times. There's no science about how to end it. Say it's over, give no conditions on which it can ever be started up again, and do your best to keep clear of him. Change your number, move away, do what you have to.

That's what I suggest. Here's a good site about it. Read the front page and you'll see what I mean... It looks as though the authors of this page have more help to offer than I did. My first instinct is to flee :wink: .

http://www.narcissism101.com/


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20 Apr 2010, 3:24 pm

Sure, lots of people go through what you're going through. What separates the girls from the women in this situation is how you handle it. I'm not sure why you're afraid to be alone at the ripe old age of 18, but rather than be alone, you're choosing to be with an abusive load. Is that making you happy?

Here are your choices:
Instant gratification (I'm not alone) v. Delayed gratification (I won't be alone forever, cause I'll be free to meet a quality guy when I get rid of this load).

Woman's choice = delayed gratification

Girl's choice = instant gratification

Which way you gonna go?


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Gigi830
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20 Apr 2010, 3:38 pm

YES. I had 2 relationships in the past like this. the 1st one ended up ending it himself- thank god. Why did I have such trouble ending it? I WAS COMFORTABLE. It's like when you have a crappy job but don't try to find a new one because the idea of starting over is so annoying (dating to me is much like the interview process- uncomfortable to say the least). Also hanging out around at his place with him ignoring me was way more comfortable than going to my house with my busy-body mother who wouldn't leave me be. At least I got to be alone o.0

The 2nd one was REALLY bad. He was actively verbally abusive, saying stuff about how"weird I was" or how there were other girls better. So I kept ending it- I had learned it was better to do that from the 1st relationship. But he came back saying he made a big mistake and whatever so I took him back. I did that twice. The 3rd time I broke it off that was it. I was sick of him wasting my time and being mean. This was during a time in my life when I was trying to "fit in" and since everyone I knew was saying what a great guy he was I put up with it. It was that relationship actually that made me realize that I was surrounded by people who did not like me, and frankly I myself did not like. So I stopped being around them and him. He stalked me for a couple weeks, but I threatened to call the cops and he left me alone. I left home around this time too- I moved in with the one real friend I had and she let me sleep on the couch until I could get on my feet. I decided I was sick of being the brunt of "normal" people's jokes. I went on a dating site, posted a brutally honest profile. I would have mentioned I was an Aspie if I had known at the time, but as it turns out what I had put might as well have said it anyway. I had to weed out weirdos here and there, and this approach made that easy. I met some interesting people, but one stood out. We talked a lot and then met. We have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2 and have 1 beautiful son :) Oh, and turns out he was an Aspie too (but didn't know it until shortly after we met. I was Dx recently, but we suspected it way before).

I realized I would rather be alone than deal with mind games I have no patience for and do not understand. Because of that I met someone good for me. But even if I hadn't I will still rather be alone. I suggest you do the same. This person is a predator. He keeps you around because beating on you verbally pumps him up. HE WILL NOT STOP. He will NEVER change. Even if he says he will: HE IS LYING. People can sometimes make mistakes, say things they don't mean. But if they keep doing it then, ultimately that is the way they are and there is no changing it. Take him at his word- fine, if there ARE "better" girls in his opinion let them have his deadbeat, abusive @$$.


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HopeGrows
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20 Apr 2010, 3:55 pm

^ So well put, @Gigi830. Listen to her OP - she speaks the truth.


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Willard
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20 Apr 2010, 5:24 pm

Gigi830 wrote:
I realized I would rather be alone than deal with mind games I have no patience for and do not understand. Because of that I met someone good for me. But even if I hadn't I will still rather be alone. I suggest you do the same. This person is a predator. He keeps you around because beating on you verbally pumps him up. HE WILL NOT STOP. He will NEVER change. Even if he says he will: HE IS LYING. People can sometimes make mistakes, say things they don't mean. But if they keep doing it then, ultimately that is the way they are and there is no changing it. Take him at his word- fine, if there ARE "better" girls in his opinion let them have his deadbeat, abusive @$$.



Hear! Hear!^^^

Samara1991, You will be a much happier person when you come to terms with this fact: THERE ARE FAR WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN BEING ALONE.

Like being bullied and abused and beaten down every miserable day of your life.


Alone doesn't have to be rejection or isolation. Alone is freedom to choose something better.



Northeastern292
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20 Apr 2010, 5:31 pm

Been through a similar, yet different situation. Personally, I'd tell him to well, get lost. I know, it sucks to be single, but having a bum for a significant other is in some ways just as bad. My first (and currently) ex didn't know what she wanted, and although I didn't want to fully admit it, our relationship was going to self-destruct.



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20 Apr 2010, 5:58 pm

I've been there and i'm sorry you are. Please Please please get rid of him, he sounds like an absolute waste of space, What are his good qualities? There must be something that keeps you with him?

I can even work to help you find someone else if you need someone, anything it takes to get rid of this guy for good.

Its not easy, and its not fun. You will get through it though. If you're into someone, you can't just tell him to "get lost", Its like a drug addiction.

What you need is Time and physical distance.



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20 Apr 2010, 7:24 pm

Why do you feel trapped? What would you do if someone came to you with this problem, asking for advice? Dump the bastard. If he can ignore you, you can return the favor. The situation will not get any better, and the guy shows some signs of being a wife-beater.


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Samara1991
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21 Apr 2010, 11:46 am

Thanks very much for the advise. I broke it off last night.



Gigi830
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21 Apr 2010, 12:49 pm

Good for you! every time you feel lonely, just remember how badly he treated you and then go do something you LIKE :)


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dtoxic
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22 Apr 2010, 6:50 pm

Good job. Stay strong - don't call him back.



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22 Apr 2010, 7:17 pm

There are way better guys than those that keep telling you there are better girls (for him) than yourself.

I hope you find one.


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alana
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22 Apr 2010, 7:28 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Sure, lots of people go through what you're going through. What separates the girls from the women in this situation is how you handle it. I'm not sure why you're afraid to be alone at the ripe old age of 18, but rather than be alone, you're choosing to be with an abusive load. Is that making you happy?

Here are your choices:
Instant gratification (I'm not alone) v. Delayed gratification (I won't be alone forever, cause I'll be free to meet a quality guy when I get rid of this load).

Woman's choice = delayed gratification

Girl's choice = instant gratification

Which way you gonna go?


everyone has shared alot of good stuff about the issue but I think this is the real problem.

I have been in abusive relationships and everytime I separated I went through what felt lilke chemical withdrawal. I went back again and again in order to not feel what I was feeling. In the end, they ended up leaving me. So even though we can analyze the behaviors, hopegrows is right that the problem falls when you are sitting alone in pain with the feeling of aloneness. It's just like addiction, you need lots of support and someone to call when you are in that dark space, you need human support to turn to so you don't turn back to the bad relationship. I suggest codependents anonymous, at least to get you over the hump so you don't go back. You can google it and maybe even find a webpage or something online to help.



kbergren21
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22 Apr 2010, 8:32 pm

One word... Sociopath stay the freck away! As you get older you'll develop that sociopath radar.