Attitude is Critical

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When it comes to dating, who you are, how you look, and what you own aren't as important as attitude. As long as your dating expectations are reasonable, your attitude is one of the most critical factors in determining whether or not you're actually successful.

As one example, think about those abusive jerks, and how they always find someone willing to keep them around. There's a reason for that. They know that if they act like a jerk from the start, they'll get a quick boot to the curb. That's why we have so many stories of people suddenly 'changing' into a monster halfway through a relationship.

It's all about attachment. Normal people don't open up about who they really are until there's a certain level of attachment in place. For some, that's clearly deceptive, given what they're actually hiding.

Others aren't being blamed at all for it. Those are the ones who don't talk about the times they were mistreated, or abused, and they don't tell their partner until they're comfortable in knowing it won't kill the relationship.

The secrets normal people aren't blamed for keeping, we shouldn't blame ourselves either. Do what you can to stay positive, friendly, and cheerful. You'll be surprised how much farther a good attitude will take you, without changing anything else.

After the relationship has started to blossom, you can begin depending on the other person to show a certain degree of selfless behavior. You can use that to start opening up about things that happened to you before. Just do what you can to stay positive, and more than anything, don't use this as an excuse to be a deceptive jerk.

(Just think, would a 'normal person' be blamed for hiding this?)

Define a "normal" person?

I'll second that, quickly.


Then why is it that women seem attracted to the bad boys then?

Primarily, because they have some semblance of back-bone. A well-adjusted man would be preferable to any jerk, but a jerk is preferable to a man who's an insecure push-over.

Speaking of not revealing things right away, when do you think is a good time to reveal that one is neurologically different? Sorry if this is off-topic.

That's ok.. from a relationships forum I have been a part of for a month, anywhere from the 3rd to the 6th date with someone. Before then, you could tell a date about your quirky nature a little bit. Then at the appropriate time, you might want to tell that person, rather subtly, as a lead-in "Remember when I mentioned to you earlier that I had somewhat of a quirky nature? This is why..." Sure, feel free to tell them you have AS. Then, you want to focus on the positives of what you're doing by having it with your date. What are you doing to make your life better by managing your AS?

What I'm doing.....
People with AS are known to be clumsy. So, what I have done to practice t'ai ji (a peaceful martial art) about five days a week. I find a greater focus, a greater sense of balance. I look for opportunities where I am around a lot of people. Why? People who live with AS tend to be around themselves a lot or very few people. I know this from living with it.

I am very involved in my local community through volunteerism and in other ways. I am on a local board of directors. I am the treasurer for the state chapter of a prominent grass roots environmental organization in the USA. I organize and lead a Law of Attraction group which meets locally. In fact, I'll be doing a lot of the talking at an upcoming meeting (something many people with AS wouldn't feel comfortable doing) about setting goals, and setting intentions to attract and manifest what a person desires and wants in his/her life. I look for opportunities to get my name out into the community. I am a risk taker, although more a calculated risk taker, than anything. I don't mind putting myself in uncomfortable situations, because that's how I grow as a person. If I stayed in situations I was comfortable with my entire life, I'd never grow personally. That's my choice, and I don't regret it.

I enjoy my "down time" as well. My "caving" time. I enjoy being around my friends. I used to be by myself so much. But, I don't like being by myself a lot. I find that the world brings shades of many colors to my life (as opposed to being solely in black and white) by the friends and experiences I have. I am thankful and grateful for all of them.
I'd have no problems sharing with a potential woman I'm interested in becoming more than friends with about what I am doing. I've had people in the past who became inspired because of how proactive I was in my life. See, that's why I want to make a difference in people's lives. That's why I want to show to people that I'm no different than they are. My brain might be different than theirs, sure.

It's all about attitude, and letting nothing get in the way of it. That's why I am very tough mentally.

It isn't the jerkiness as such that is attractive. It is the other qualities that are the real attraction- the backbone, self confidence, assertiveness, willing to take risks. A jerk who has those qualities (and many do) can hide his jerkiness long enough to attract women.

What a lot of women really want is a hero. A hero has the backbone, the self confidence, the assertiveness and the willingness to take risks yet he is not a jerk. So he is the star of countless stories and is the star of literally every romantic fantasy written for girls and women. Heroes are in shorter supply than jerks. But jerks have the self confidence and willingness to take risks that heroes also have so many women fool themselves into thinking that the man in front of them has hero potential (because of his confidence etc.), especially if he's good at hiding his jerkiness initially.

I would think it would be easier to build confidence in someone who is not that confident than it would be to remove the jerk attitude from a jerk...

I totally agree. The catch here is that most women won't be attracted until after the confidence is built. (There are always exceptions. There are exceptions to everything.) This means a guy can't say, "well, I'll be more confident after I get a girlfriend" because he has to get that confidence on his own.

Risk-taking is extremely attractive to women. (And jerks do tend to take a lot of risks.) Obviously confident men are going to take risks. They are confident! But I don't think it's a closed loop. I think you can build confidence by taking risks and coming out of them ok. I've done that in my own life. (Confidence and risk taking isn't exclusive to men, although women may find it more attractive in men than men find it in women.) I went white water rafting, a fairly risky adventure. After I did it and emerged un-drowned and with my head not smashed on a rock, I felt very confident, like I could take on anything.

The very act of getting outside your comfort zone and taking risks builds confidence. And yes, doing this is quite a bit easier than removing the jerkiness from a jerk. Easier but not effortless. If it was too easy and you didn't have to fight your fear to do it, it wouldn't be a risk. The confidence comes from feeling the fear and doing it anyway no matter how scared you are. It doesn't even matter what the it is that you do. If it causes you fear but you do it anyway, confidence will be built.

You know where I'm going with this. Take a risk. Confidence follows.

Scott, thanks for the good advice. It's inspiring to hear about what you're doing to build confidence.

..... BRILLIANT! This is great! You are precisely right, and moreover, you have just made me realize that the term hero is an incredibly good summary and stereotype of what women usually tend to want. In it's place, people have been using such BS as 'Alpha-Male,' whose definitions are all over the damn place, and carry an icky pick-up connotation, and can bring to mind the manipulative elements from the culture it comes from. Other terms like Leader are also lacking for what they don't include - it's too specific. And this also sidesteps the mess of the Nice-Guy/Jerk comparison.
But the ideal of a typified hero is just about perfect. It's much more organic and elegant. Nicely done...

...Also....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCOPuGBg_W0[/youtube]

See that's the thing. In my personal experience, risk confers nothing but failure. If taking risks paid off more often than not then you would probably be correct. And in cases with other people where risk-taking does pay off, you definitely are. I'm just saying that in my case, it doesn't...

Does fate 'have it out for you' or something? =op
I suspect you simply haven't given it enough chance, or are judging upon the narrow field of socialization, where aspies have difficulty. Particularly given that your perspectives are broadening, and are becoming more knowledgeable, and are developing more tools with-which to leverage, you should give risk-taking another shot.

Risks aren't necessarily inherent in relationships. Financial activities (play the stock market, sell a stock short, invest in a startup), physical activities (snowboarding, mountain biking, skateboarding), or emotional ("do you want to be my friend?") are all opportunities potentially lacking personal relationships.

Taking risks in the dating marketplace will not "pay off more often than not" - I think I'm about 1 for 300. But I finally got that one and while the relationship itself was not worth all the hassle of the other 299 failures, the fact that I finally got over that hump WAS worth it. It also gave me more perspective on what is being "risked" - another rejection? So what? Us lonely guys are used to that, so what's the harm? Low risk + substantial reward is a good bet. I think now that there is a lot to be said for attitude.

No, but I think fate (or God, or whoever who choose to believe in or not) is getting a real kick out of my misfortune...

Yes, I was speaking from a social perspective. All I want is to be loved and appreciated. Instead I get rejected and used... If I were to take a risk and the former would happen for a change, maybe I would be more likely to take risks in the future. Alas, that doesn't happen...