Is it an aspie trait to want to escape from relationships?

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I always seem to want to escape a relationship....that is, when I actually am in one. Throughout college and part of grad school I had no desire to have a BF, unlike all my other peers. I lost my virginity in my mid 20s and thought nothing of it....just another occurence. I have since been in three short term relationships and always give the excuse of going abroad to end a relationship. All being said, I do work in three different parts of the world for part of the year, so I am not lying when I say I will go abroad in two months. My living situation seems to suit short term relationships and gives me a good way to escape.

I don't have the desire for a very long term relationship. Even if I were to get married some day, I would still want to spend part of my year away from my husband...I can't give up my travelling lifestyle and thirst for knowledge.

Is this a typical aspie trait?

Not for this aspie. I'd sell my soul for a short term relationship.

Ah, but I meant long term ones. I also like short term.

I felt that way about long term relationships till I found the guy I'm currently interested in and things have changed and I really hope things will last.

NT here, which may mean I know nothing.

I have a book by a woman named Rudy Simone, entitled "22 Things a Woman Should Know if She Loves a Man Who Has Asperger Syndrome". Rudy, who is AS, says that it IS an AS trait to try to leave relationships.

But I'm not so sure. I think it may be a combination of not knowing what you feel (alexithymia is an aspie trait--it means, "not knowing your emotions"), and generally being stressed by relationships, which leads aspies to leave relationships that they want to be in.

(The, "It's a year or six months later, and I wish I were still with that person" phenomenon seems to be common.)

Also, aspies have more trouble getting into relationships, so maybe it's more likely that you're not finding the relationship you need...

or not recognizing that an existing relationship is one that you should stay in.

I don't know whether it is an aspie trait or not - but it is a trait that you have and it is good that you recognize it and respect it. Enjoy your short term relationships. Make no promises and tell no lies to your partners. Not everyone is meant to be in a monogamous, long term relationship - aspie or not.

Not an aspie trait. A trait of anyone...... in a relationship with the wrong person.

Well for me I feel apprehensive and wanting to stay distant for some time. I want to feel perfectly safe being with a woman. But once I do get that feeling, I usually end up making an abrupt 90 degree turn and diving straight in. I think that last part is what killed my last relationship...

To the OP:

It may really depend on how bad your alexithymia is (not knowing your own emotions; one of the hallmarks of AS).

I would give relationships a little more time, so you can be sure about what you feel.

Wanting to leave relationships is common because they are very overstimulating. Also, like NTs, sometimes you will want to be with a certain person, sometimes not.

Really, though, you can't expect to bond in the way society expects NTs to. Part of what is going on is that aspies don't have some of the genes that code for oxytocin, which is the long-term bonding hormone.

Deciding to stay in a relationship seems like more of an intellectual decision for the married aspies here. Kind of a, "Wow, you're so much better than the other people I've dated, I think I'll stick around." A common theme with them seems to be, not so much that they want to be with someone, as they're afraid of not being with that person.

Last edited by poppyx on 06 Jun 2010, 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not for this Aspie. I've always wanted a significant other by my side.

I don't think it's a strictly Asperger's trait to want to escape relationships. I think a lot of people with AS would seek to escape relationships that interfered with their ability to pursue their intense interests. I know that my last girlfriend often tried to get me to come out and do stuff with her when I'd rather be hanging out with a couple friends playing Warhammer or something and that I did not appreciate her bugging me about it one bit.

It also probably has a lot to do with just how much the AS person is interested in their partner. If you're not overly taken with your significant other than it makes sense to want to escape an unsatisfying relationship.

JRogers

It depends on the person. For some AS people for whom relationships are an "interest", there is a lot of flipping from relationship to relationship, and it happens as soon as the obsession with the person drops off....

for that sort of aspie, it's not that they're not interested in the relationship....it's more like they've found another hobby.

Sorry.

(That may not apply to you personally at all.)

That makes sense. I can see it working either way, to be honest. Like you said, it depends on the person.

I'm in an STR that feels like it's going to turn into an LTR and that scares the hell out of me. I'm just gonna do the LTR thing (to me, LTR would be 6 months) once just to see what it's like. Pretty sure it's just going to turn me into a total man whore because I'll be terrified by LTR's and just jump from woman to woman after this.

I hate the idea of someone knowing this much about you. I'd rather be mysterious well endowed guy than the "sweet" boyfriend. I have a feeling my "sweetness" will be worn down by this girl, haha, and that's definitely a good thing.

Last edited by roadGames on 08 Jun 2010, 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'd have to say so. We like our solitude too much. Although it's often a tantilizing prospect for us who normally have a hard time forming relationships, I've been in a couple LTRs and found them to be overrated.

poppyx, (after reading your obsessions thread) i think you're talking about one person here, not a cross section of aspies. no offense or anger meant by this - but it does no one any good to make generalizations like that. i have certainly heard of a person becoming a special interest, and yes, we can obsess. but flipping from relationship to relationship?

i can't imagine too many aspies being relationship hoppers. it's difficult just to make / keep friends. if any aspie is able to flip from one relationship to another, i would love to hear how. personally, i need A LOT of recovery time in between attempts .. please understand, there is probably more going on than you realize. for some of us, leaving the house for two minutes to go to the mailbox can be stressful, if we bump into a neighbor along the way.

anyway, on topic:
of all things that have been insurmountable for me, getting into relationships without a doubt tops the list. it is the biggest struggle in my life. i keep trying, and if i don't do something else to screw it up, anxiety does me in. so - yes, i know the feeling of needing escape (usually from someone i actually want to be with, but i have no idea how to solidify the relationship enough that i can stop worrying about it). it's a terrible paradox.