I think my boyfriend could have Aspergers

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I have posted here in the past before about my previous relationships. Well, I seem to find reasons to return here. Hi again guys.

Also, I was looking at a lot of my previous posts made about my exes, and quite frankly I'm kind of ashamed by some of my really rude comments towards aspies and my bitchiness. So if anyone remembers those posts, I am truly sorry about them. I think I've grown up a wee bit in the small amount of time.

Well, first boyfriend whom I dated for about 9 months (off and on) had Aspergers. It was very apparent to those in my life who are NT, even myself. I don't avoid people with Aspergers because of this, though some of his traits were hard for me to work around. Overall, he was an a**hole. It was his personality to spread anger and just simply be an ass.

My second boyfriend who I dated for two months said he was diagnosed with it. However, his must have been a lighter case, because he wasn't at all like my first boyfriend. Or maybe I am just being silly and lumping everyone with Aspergers as being the same? I don't mean to soudn as if I am stereotyping, so sorry if I come off this way.

However, this next piece is going to be stereotyping. However, I am really curious as to what you all think.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for 1 year and 6 months. And I've suspected since early on that he may have it. He has a lot of Aspie traits my first boyfriend has. Actually, I think he is what my first boyfriend would have been like if he was a nice person, because they have similar personalities. So I don't want to sound like I am nitpicking since my first boyfriend was. I genuinely see so many similarities.

He has told me numerous times he loves me. I was the one who confessed first. He plans on marrying me someday, and I am really happy with this. However, there are some things I worry about with him. I feel they are Aspergers traits and I am not trying to sound negative about them, but I think he needs a little 'help' with some areas of his life.

He is going to be 26 in June, and I am 22. He has yet to learn how to drive. His parents tried to teach him once and he put the car in the ditch. So he hasn't done it since. His parents refuse to teach him anymore and I will tell you why in a bit. His mom tells him to go to driving school and he would pay for it, but hasn't yet. I have heard him make excuses for not doing it. For example, an old coworker his age didn't drive, and his aunt doesn't drive, so why can't he not drive? This concerns me. This day in age, you need to drive. Especially if you plan on marrying. Our work schedules are different and I drive far for work. He is currently on nights, I am on days. He would really need to learn how. I can't take him to work everyday. He keeps on putting it off and it is worrying me. You'd think someone his age would want to get it. I'd go insane without mine. I know driving is scary, but it's something that you need this day and age.

He works at Wal-Mart on nights with both of his parents. I met him there as a cashier. I don't work there anymore, but we still see each other as much as possible. This is how he gets rides to work. But I worry that someday he may want to get out of there and go for something he likes better. I know he would be happier driving. He even says he is sick of being home all the time. However, his mom tells me not to bug him to get his liscense, and I never do. I just bring it up once in a while, and he says he plans on getting it.

I know why his parents refuse to teach him. His temper is really scary when he does get mad. And it's always over odd stuff. And he goes rather apeshit and freaky. Like, we couldn't find a parking spot at a church one day, and he flipped out. He was spewing stuff off like...."Oooh, this isn't good, this isn't good" while holding his head. And then he would get on me for my driving and yell at me when I tried to calm him down nicely.
He also gets like this at work. He flips over something nuts, like the delivery truck being late. He doesn't like a change in routine at all (and I know this is a trait of Autism). His mother even states that. He got so mad the other day, I heard he had a hard fall on concrete when he slammed into something in anger.
This is something that kind of terrifies me. I know years ago he tried to punch his mom. However, I don't think he would ever do that now. But when he goes all beligerant, it rather scares me. I am too much of an ass kisser and never get mad, but next time I think I need to hold the fort. Because I don't want to deal with the little tantrums.
His mom says he is full of so much anger. He is never like that around me unless something triggers it, and it's always rare because it's something odd usually. Stuff most people won't get freaked out over.

When he was a kid, he had ADHD. He took meds for it but they had an opposite affect. Let's just say, he threw a desk at a teacher, and bit another one. LOL.

He also walks on his tippy toes which as his mom told me, is an Autistic trait. Both of his parents thought he was Autistic as a child, but that wasn't the care apparently.

He is incredibly shy (though that is one of the things that makes him adorable IMO). When I asked him out, he wouldn't even look at me. He would hardly say anything and sounded gruff. It took me forever for him to be able to initiate convo or simply wave at me at work. But now it's completely different. He's very affectionate and cuddly, touchy feely, etc. This is something I lacked with my first boyfriend. I know expessing affection can be hard for some Aspies, but not for others. I don't know if this is significant or not.
I do have a hard time getting him to come around my family because he so shy.

I have heard from you all that Aspies don't always know how to communicate in ways others do. He won't ever call me and when he does, it's always short. I think also with his routine, he doesn't always want to have me come over before he goes to work. Maybe I am just reading too much into it? I say this because sometimes I do get quite lonely when he doesn't call me. I asked him to do it more once and he did, then slacked off. I feel I am being whiny if I ask him to do it again, like I am making him do something he doesn't want to.

He is also quite obsessive. He is REALLY into anime. In the first 6 or so months of dating him, he never talked about anything else. It was OMG annoying. I am an anime fan too. I love it. But he could talk 24/7 about it. Event to this day, when we get together, that's all we do. Not that I mind since I like it, but I like a break too.
He is introverted with no friends (like myself). I know many of the people in his age range at work get irritated with him because all he wants to talk about is anime and video games. Some are outright mean to him, which pisses me off.

Also, do many people with Aspergers fear sex? I am sorry to ask this, but I really want a general idea from you guys. Becuase this is something I have heard before. My first boyfriend never wanted to have it with me, just fool around.
My current bf doesn't believe until doing it after marriage, so he is a virgin. He gets super embarassed over sex talk or tries to change the subject. I have a perverted sense of humor he says he loves about me, but sometimes I do worry. We've never done more than have a long kiss (never frenching). I don't want to push but sometimes I think he seriously has no interest in sex. He told me he does get urges but I don't see this. He never looks up porn (mainly hentai for all of those who know about it, lol - I like it too but I like some variety). You can see he does have some tents showing up now and then but you'd think he's change his mind. Maybe I am wrong in this but it is frustrating since i don't feel the same way. I could never pressure someone since my first time was like that.

I know you can't diagnose things over the internet but I want all you Aspies out there to give your opinion. If he does have it, I want to start being more blunt and not too nice like I normally am. I don't stick up for myself much, or I let people get away with things I don't like even if they don't mean to hurt me. So if I have to be nicely blunt, I want to start doing it now.

I do love the man a lot and I look forward to the day we marry. Though if you guys suspect he is an Aspie (and I know I do), I want to do things right this time and be more up front. And help him along. I want him to do stuff that would benefit him, such as getting his license.

And if you read all this, you deserve some kind of medal, lol. Thanks in advance to those who read it, and those who reply.

Well, for starters, I can say that I am high functioning autistic and I have been driving since I was 13. During the school year, I drive to school myself. (a 25 minute drive) So it isn't as if an autistic can't learn to drive. It just takes lots of time, commitment, and practice. I also find I have more difficulty driving in areas I don't know such as major cities. I live in a small town rural type setting, but regularly drive in a 40,000 population city for school, shopping, and going to the gym. The other thing I must say is props to you for giving this guy a chance. We need more girls like you in the world. I'm 18 and have yet to even have my first kiss or find any girl that genuinely cares about me. Here's to hoping that this happens. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask. That's what me and others on this forum are here for. I wish you luck.

I'm 31 and still haven't got the license. I plan to get it one day, but I'm a little bit scared too. I'm afraid I'm not going to pay enough attention to the details that matter (like signs, obstacles and other cars), and instead get absorbed by something more interesting, resulting in my untimely death.

oh boy.

Yes, some aspies do fear sex. Some of them are effectively asexual. You might not get that to change after you get married.

The anger outbursts will also continue.

The obsessiveness will also continue.

The refusal to drive, also likely to continue.

Unless he is willing to get some kind of counseling, read books about AS, or he says he will change for you. (He has to say it.)

...what you see is what you get.

The driving thing is something most can learn - I got mine at 15. He just needs to calm down enough to take control with cars, its no laughing matter and if you mess up it can be dangerous.

As for the ADHD, I don't think that's just a trait of children. Adults can't behave the way they did as kids obviously, but the attention problem is still there.

As for the calling, its a typical trait of aspergers people to absolutely HATE using the phone to talk to people. I wouldn't take that personally. We hate the phone, not the person on the end of it.

Never learn to drive with family. It was what I was told a long time ago. My family even paid for a stranger to do it. When most people drive with family, there are huge fights. And i've heard that with every other family its the same. Your best bet is to pay a professional to do it, they have their own set of brakes and clutches etc as well.

If he's 26 and doesn't drive, he may be ashamed of not being able to drive, and defensive about other people's reactions (which may be like yours). I doubt that the real problem is the excuses that he gives, but he might not want to tell you the real problem, for any number of reasons. Do you know what the real reason is?

I don't drive because of a bunch of converging problems--slow processing in general, particularly visual; slow reaction time; poor attention; poor ability to process a lot of things at once; nearsightedness; poor coordination (I bump into things just walking around. Behind the wheel? Don't want to think about it). I wonder if he senses similar underlying problems and doesn't want to either get himself killed or embarrass himself in front of others (if he tries to drive)?

Your boyfriend's behavior seems very familiar to me. As a child, if there was something I tried to do and failed, I refused to try again, and I'd come up with all sorts of reasons, like the ones your boyfriend uses, why I didn't need to ever try it again. The more my parents interpreted me as just being defiant and argued with me, the more I would dig in my heels and make these arguments, even though on some level I knew I really just didn't want to fail. It was a counterproductive strategy, of course, but I didn't realize it at the time.

"Driving schools have all the pedals on the passenger side also, and the teachers will make sure it's fine. If he doesn't brake fast enough, the teacher will do it for him and tell him. Same with steering wheels, they will take control.

As for the embarrassment, its more of a case of harden up. I stalled a car outside of a shop where a whole lot of older school kids were and they all cheered. Its part of life."

I can't resist pointing out--especially for the embarrassment point--that if you change the words slightly to make it about a social situation, you have the sort of comment an NT would make about the difficulties of a person with AS. "Just get out there and toughen up; being awkward, getting rejected and making people mad at you is just part of life. If you screw up, your wingman will make sure it's fine, and they'll take control."

So I'm going to tell you what I would tell an NT: It's wonderful that driving is not an issue for you. That doesn't mean it's easy for everyone else, even with good driving school teachers. From the outside, it can be hard to tell legitimate fears from self-defeating ones. As far as we know, either could be true of the OP's boyfriend.

Sorry Hale Bopp, I guess I was a bit defensive. You're right that we don't know what's going on with her boyfriend--I actually said as much ("either could be true of the OP's boyfriend"). On the off chance that the OP was unfamiliar with reasons why someone might have trouble driving, I was trying to explain how they MIGHT be true, even given the information you provided about driving school.

"COMPLETE topic from Driving to something completely different (social interaction). I would not say the same things about driving as I would about social interaction. Why not? They're completely unrelated."
I think you may be missing the point of the topic change.

Your argument appeared to be that no one could possibly have a problem with driving because driving instructors have a pedal and can rescue them, and people should just toughen up if they're embarrassed about driving. From your experience as someone who is more comfortable with driving than social interaction, driving and social interaction seem like completely different things. However, for someone else, driving can be JUST AS HARD as socializing, or even harder. While you would not trivialize social interaction, you WERE trivializing the difficulty of driving, and you were doing it in the same way, using almost the same words, that an NT would use to trivialize the difficulties of social interaction. Not going to lie about my own baggage, as someone who finds driving A LOT HARDER than social interaction, and has heard this same trivialization plenty of times, it bothers me. If you don't want someone trivializing the difficulties you face in one area, don't trivialize someone else's difficulties in another area. That just seems like common sense to me.

And BTW, nowhere did I say that "Aspergers" is an excuse. I didn't even say problems with driving are characteristic of Aspergers. Plenty of people with ASD, such as yourself, are good drivers. Some people without ASD, such as myself, are not. Regardless of what diagnostic label causes problems with driving, the point is that those of us who are impaired drivers do not need to be told, "oh, just go get a better instructor and don't be embarrassed, just toughen up" any more than you need to be told equally condescending advice about YOUR areas of weakness, like "just get out there."

"I got embarassed when i was learning to drive. Yeah, NT people get embarassed when they're learning to drive"
Again, trivializing. Sure, everyone is embarrassed about learning to drive, just like everyone is socially anxious sometimes. But it's a matter of degree, and a matter of REASONS for being embarrassed. Some people legitimately have something to be embarrassed about when driving, others don't. Diagnosis comes into it for those of us who are such slow processors that our driving instructors are totally unprepared to teach us and assume we must either be stupid or not paying attention.

Hope this clarifies what I meant. I didn't mean to make you look like a bad guy, and I'm sorry for coming off that way. I've always enjoyed reading your comments and you seem like a nice person. At the very worst, I'm just trying to correct a misapprehension I think you may have that is, frankly, kind of insulting.

Well, i'll be 24 by the end of October and i've never drived either. I doubt it could be such a huge difficulty, but i have problems organizing when i should be doing the classes and stuff... I'm still trying to get a first job even now. =/

Ah, the teacher bit, i remember hitting mine when i was a kid. Poor ma'am. Well i apologized (because i'm a "rather" good kid <.<), i got off easy with a few days away from school. <.<

Oh and i'm not sure about the tiptoe walk but it think it's called "digitigrade" cats and felines do something similar. =^.^= (although according to my zooarcheology class, we are also categorized as such regarding the bone structure of the foot)

Dunno if that would be of any help, but i've tried to channel my rage (or "anger" if you will) into something productive. Usually it works, although i wouldn't know how to describe it.

Regarding the calling thing. You should probably find a way to settle it in the routine work more smoothly. I don't know... Some time frame where he's not too busy? Before he goes back to work? =/

The eternal obssession bit... Heh... If anything try getting him interested into stuff that has a subcontext, even if it's anime (historical stuff maybe?), it might trigger his curiosity and push him to investigate (at least i know it does sometimes for me <.< Try at your risks and perils!).

And hrm, i am talking for myself here, but be careful about your reproaches, you'll need to gauge how open to improvement he is before your criticize him, or he might take it personnally and it could go downhill from there.

Like you probably read, not 2 aspies are the same, so if that doesn't work, it'll have to be trial and error. =/

(Note: I've never had a relationship either, so i may not be the best person to give advice regarding love affairs. =.= -sigh- Well at least i tried to be insightful)

I haven't read your whole post yet. I'm going to but I just have to comment on that driving part. It is not necessary at all to drive. I don't understand why it would be even more necessary if you intend on marrying. If you're married then you're living together so there would be no problem seeing each other every day. I'm 22 and have no license. I get around fine. He can get work closer to where he lives if he wants too. How did he get to work before you were together? You said you met him there so obviously he had a way to get there.