Most Important Thing is Finding an NT That Can Accept AS

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Generally, the more I think about it, the more it seems like the most important thing in an AS/NT relationship is that the NT partner accepts--I mean really accepts--that the AS, and many of the accompanying behaviors will not change.

What do you think?

Conversely, what is the most important thing the AS partner needs to do to be with an NT?

Meeting half way I reckon.

If you expect your partner to accept how obsessed you are with anime, they should be allowed to expect you to go out and socialise occasionally for example. Balance of both

I wish I knew. The only NT girlfriend I spent much time with was a Korean lady about 11 years older than me. I think the cultural values made me attractive to her.

that the NT will never have with us, what they will have with another NT.
We have to accept that, too.

Geesh, it doesn't have to be a NT (although the odds are surely likely), as long as you can get along fine with the person. (At least i'd think <.<)

I agree with statement 1.

The AS partner I am afraid has to try to learn a few NT things and yet not destroy their personality. Such as try to understand what is going on in the partner's life, but not meddling too much. Honesty is the key - that should be made clear from the start. The AS partner should listen. An Aspie asset is that s/he can offer rational feedback instead of doing the NT drama queen act. And if your NT partner accepts you accept its traits too. After I told my NT suitor about my AS, we've been more honest and open with each other, and accepting. He always tells me not to buckle under the pressure of society. And I think it works. A relationship can make an Aspie more empathetic and sensitive and affectionate. There is a biological reason: the social hormone oxytocin is boosted. At times I do feel like an NT, albeit reserved and awkward. Fyi I scored 61 in the AQ test, 40/50 in Baron Cohen's test.

Maybe an NT needs to accept that they will never have the same thing we would have with another ASD person...

I agree with hale_bopp. I'm pretty sure if I didn't, my wife would have buggered off a while ago

Mind if I re-write that for you?

"Most Important Thing is Finding an NT That Can Accept AS"

Should read Most Important Thing is Finding Someone Who Can Accept the Way You Are.

It doesn't matter if your new partner is NT or aspie, so long as they are willing to accept you the way you are without trying to change you then you'll do just fine.

Vanilla_Slice

Very true. Or, of course, finding another Aspie partner, though it won't always work, either way it's just about finding the right person isn't it?

OP, I don't want to be negative about your post cause I can tell you want to help, and it seems like you're on your own journey, searching for answers. But I do think the approach to making an Aspie/NT relationship is a lot more complex than what you've suggested.

I think the lion's share of complexity is trying to determine what part of an Aspie's personality and behavior is about ASD, and what part is about everything else under the sun. I think the key to a successful relationship is whether you and your partner can work together - honestly, with trust, patience, affection, understanding (and hopefully with a competent, trained, effective and objective third party, if necessary) to find those answers, and figure out how to structure the relationship so that both partners are satisfied.

I know that's an incredibly tall order - but I don't think it's an impossible fete to accomplish. I think it requires both partners to take preconceptions about relationship off the table, and bring the willingness to deal with what is - rather than a fantasy of what is desired - to the relationship. Some Aspies - as well as many, many NTs - have not had the benefit of a loving, stable, functional childhood; some have had parents who did not deal effectively with their child's disability, personality, issues, etc.; some have been teased and tormented mercilessly by peers; some have been abused physically, sexually, emotionally. Note that any of those factors can apply to NTs and Aspies equally. That means that there are likely going to be issues that are not due to ASD - that may affect both partners - but that can be treated and worked through, resulting in modified behaviors for both. But both partners have be willing to participate in the process, and accept change where it's possible - whether that change is behavioral or a change in expectations.

I don't mean to preach about Aspie/NT relationships, because the same types of problems can exist in NT/NT relationships. Relationships are hard work, regardless of neural status. People don't seem to realize that love isn't the end-state; it isn't the big reward. Love is what is supposed to motivate both partners to do the work required to make the relationship happy and satisfying for both partners. So, IMO, for any relationship to succeed, the first question both partners should ask themselves is whether they're willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work.

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.

I also think that it's very important, as well. It would be a lot easier on both parties.

What if "accepting as they are" means accepting that the person cannot stay in a relationship?

(Actually he can, if he lets me ignore that part.)

Other than that, he's fine.

That's kinda the problem with that "accept me as I am" sentiment.....it gives people the false impression that one shouldn't have to change in order to be in a relationship. Truly, everyone has to change in order to be in a successful relationship, because successful relationships require sacrifice and compromise. Relationships bring new responsibilities, and require us to grow (and change) in order to meet those responsibilities. Those rules are the same for everyone.

I guess it is a matter of recognising the difference between changing when in a relationship- making changes that are realistic, and that change leading to growth,

or being forced to change somethng which cant really be changed and that doesnt come from a true desire from the self to change- it comes from outside pressure- doesnt want to change, which just leads to a damaged self.

I have experienced bothof these in relationships.