New here and have some questions

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I'm not sure if I should post this under this topic or not... Here goes....

I'm pretty sure that I'm NT but I don't get caught up too much in rigidness but most recently I think the communication problems my partner (both female) and I have could be related to AS. She took an online assessment and it indicated she is very highly likely to have AS, which makes her feel like "just one more thing "wrong" with me". She is a very concrete thinker and um...I'm not.

I'm going to try to write up something to communicate to her what I need from her so that she can give it to me. She feels like she "never does anything right" and "can't make me happy". I don't agree with this but I want to figure out how to communicate better so we're both happy.

Does anyone have some ideas for how we can better communicate?

additional background, we've been together almost 5 years, been through some trauma with each other (sudden deaths on both sides), there is a 11 year age difference, she also suffers from Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, ADD, Narcolepsy, GERD and learning disabilities. We've been in therapy for a couple of months to deal with communication and grief issues.

Thanks in advance!

I find the best way to communicate with an AS person, if good communication is really important. I'm fine with dealing with NT style communication on a day to day basis, but if someone really needs to communicate something important to me it's best they use "AS language" (if you will). Discuss these issues in a very literal, concrete, straight forward manner. You could even use objects to help illustrate what you're saying. Just try to avoid any double meanings, or body language, etc - and be very clear with the words you use.

Also, tell her about the forum, and suggest she has a look. Of course, it's up to her, but it will probably definitely give her an idea as to whether she really is AS or not, and talking to others with AS can help in a myriad of ways. I used to mostly use WP to discuss things, these days I mostly talk to AS people in support groups in my local area.

If your partner is indeed an Aspie, then remember we often like to communicate via writing (I do)! For me, I feel no need to "talk things through" at all. Any information that is to be transferred is best done with a premise statement (like that you love her) with points or aims given. Try to use concrete examples without ephermals. I notice NTs often use emotive reasoning and this is plain confusing; Aspies do separate emotion from thought!

Quite a many Aspies I know prefer this way and far less pressured! Try writing to her. By analogy, think of Aspies as Mr. Spock - (Star Trek) not Dr. Phil. Then, if your partner is unsure if she's an Aspie (?) then that's a separate thing. IMO, diagnostics are important. Perhaps, at this point, a diagnotic matters. Especially since your partner has other comorbid conditions as you shared.

Oh....Aspies do have feeling too but maybe fewer emotions. And need kindness, not critique or judgment. Also, if you can find factual information, with sources cited, this is reassuring. For ex: If you, as a NT, "feel" she might be X, then state why and give specifics. And a lot of praise alongside. Aspies are honest to a fault and expect the same back. So do not worry in that you cannot be too honest. As you wrote, concrete thinker is right (and it's not about asphalt or cement). Be specific about what you want from her so she doesn't have to guess. Most Aspies want to please and feel badly if they do not.

Zestfive: Really kind that you would think to consult the Wrong Planet about your partner (we're flattered, really). You might mention the Wrong Planet to her, and she is welcome too.

EDIT (this occurred as I just posted): Aspies do "forget" their other (friend/partner, etc) loves them. We lack Theory of Mind and do not know what you are thinking. We are blind to your emotions so tell us, such as in writing. This really is different compared to NTs. Your Aspies just hears the judgment or critique (even if well meaning) and does not know your intent unless you are state such. Do not expect her to give immediate answers as emotive stuff is not our forte.
Hope that helps!

Sorry I'm not addressing the main question (my mind is kind of racing right now so I might be able to settle down enough later to address the actual question) but I wanted you to pass the word to your partner that I used to have terrible, terrible GERD and it went away completely when I quit eating anything with gluten in it. Just in case she hasn't tried that yet.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the suggestions. I did send her the information about WrongPlanet. I know it's hard for her to think that she's "got another thing wrong" with her. To me, it sounds more like a different way of being in the world and I am happy to accommodate that, I just need to figure out how to do it best.

Sunshower, I think I realized in the past she's a more concrete thinker and often would use analogies to explain ideas that were a little more complex. Now I realized that it might be just a difficulty in thinking more abstract. I'd be happy to learn how to talk more AS.

Labpet, unfortunately, she does not like to write due to learning disabilities. I'd be happy to communicate this way as I like to write. I do also know how much she does want to please me and it hurts her when (for whatever reason) it doesn't happen. Other characteristics that I recognize in her that apparently are aspie are her loyalty and earnestness to do the right thing.

Sparrowrose, thanks for that information. I know for a brief period of time (month maybe) she did gluten free but I don't know how well she stuck to that diet or how well she was on the look out for it (it's in everything isn't it?) I do think her diet (not very balanced, full of sugar, carbs and convenience food) should change but she's got to be the one to take responsibility for that and she doesn't always want to.

^ Right in that, in that many (most) Aspies are proud of our diagnostic distinction! As we should be. AS is a difference and with very real selective advantages that defines our identity. AS comes with many gifts but can be hard as well. Maybe a diagnostic is in order since AS is not a to be a guess? In any case, hope all works out. Aspies are not the easiest to communicate with, on a personal level, so I'm told <insert appropriate & cute yellow emoticon here>

Really nice you gave her our info and welcome to you both