What is this "Dating?" & First Date

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That word itself has been on my mind for a majority of the year. It’s something millions want to do: find that hopeful spouse, shower him/her with passion, trust, and loyalty, bring that person to their parents, and so forth. Though I’m attempting to get in the dating world, I keep holding myself back.

I have gone the length of putting up online profiles on various dating services, but seem reluctant to make any extra effort in accomplishing such a goal. Something inside keeps me restrained from taking a chance. Possibly too much of an emotional wreck to take a major risk. I may be 25 years old, but still unable to get concept of dating as well as a relationship. Too many questions pop into my mind of what works in terms of dating and what an individual shouldn’t do. Passion, commitment, benefits, and so forth. It’s too stressful to comprehend. Could there be an answer to all of my questions out there that if I find the right lady? There is that chance, but I just cannot see it. I need someone as guidance to make some sort of impact.

One of my biggest issues is seeing the big picture. Because of miserable eye contact, I cannot tell if the person of interest has an attraction to me or not. Too anxious to even stare for at least a minute. I’ll even look around that lady and see what’s going on in the background or stare at objects. Not only that, but also lack emotional reading. Sure, she may be smiling and having a good time to regular guys. I cannot tell. Is the smile for real or just a cover-up to get through the date in one piece? The same can be said for physical contact. Too hesitant even for fun and games. Always second-guessing my actions. Plus, I’m not sure if there is a proper time to get all touchy-feely.

Since starting the whole online search, what struck me are all of these characteristics. It ranged from the quirky, to the laid-back, and even going as far as needs. These “needs” make me question what are they trying to say. Do they want the guy to come over immediately and get pampered loyally? Plus, they are limiting their chances for that right guy? Maybe some are just too young to understand the full scale of dating. I may be exaggerating a little bit, but for crying out loud, give it a shot.

Somehow, I attempt to make some sort of effort in the online dating world. This has been going on for months. Up to now, there hasn’t been much luck. I send messages to those that might take interest, but that went nowhere. Then I would get messages from ladies that don’t appeal to me at all. However, sometime in mid-April, I caught a break…

The First Date

Somehow, I manage to get in contact with a lady through a paying date site. We manage to find each other through Facebook and began online talking. Both of us message the casual first meet questions/describe yourself routine. What caught me off-guard in the whole conversation was religion. She brought this up and I gave short answers. It worried me for a little bit. Is she interested in a more religious person? It’s extremely rare that I discuss anything religious…politics also. I found out she’s the same faith I was (Lutheran). The two of us exchanged phone numbers and text message through periods of time in the next few days. The whole religion topic I kept quiet about throughout the texting.

After confirming the date is happening, the obligatory date questions come to mind…
How should I dress?
What should I talk about?
Make sure I’m not sweating out of control?
Eye contact (BIG challenge!)

Friends and acquaintances all say “be yourself.” The key advice I should stick to…

I arrived at our meeting a little early and walked around the mall to kill some time. My date was 15 minutes late, but did expect that to happen cause it was around rush hour time. I sat close by a coffee shop. My spine was tingling and mentally anxious. She arrived, saw me sitting by myself and we talked. The two of us discuss various topics…

-Religion (not as bad as I thought)
-Views on abortion (both of us share the same feelings)
-Working
-Dealing with the public at our jobs
-Family stuff
-Former Illinois Governer Blagojevich (she was actually a supporter and felt Quinn is a traitor. I just sat there bewildered)
-Animals (her thing for dogs and rabbits)

She did seem nervous, but I was a bigger wreck. I sounded monotonous at times. I even struggled to bring up a topic for a solid minute. All I did was some mumbling, rocked back-and-forth a little, and scratch my head. It was very noticeable. I did warm up as the date went on and put a little more effort in talking. In terms of eye contact…horrendous. I was able to stare at my date for short periods, but kept looking around the setting. I may have taken interest in mall floor texture. Foolish me! I did convince myself to keep the date as my main focus. No physical shakiness, which was a plus.

All we did was talk, walk around the mall slowly (comparable to a movie showing two dating), and go to Starbucks. It felt more of a lengthy job interview, from my perspective, than a date. Could not tell if there was any form of chemistry taking place. I’m too blind (mentally) to tell.

2 hours and a couple bucks later, the date concluded. It ended with a handshake. Walking back to my car, I gave myself a pat-on-the-back and drove home. After some cereal and coffee, I sent her a “Thank You” message on Facebook. I actually felt good after everything was all said and done. A couple days went by and I haven’t heard from her. I text message and still no response. I checked my Facebook and lost contact with her. I didn’t make it a big deal and felt it would happen.

Guess it’s a way to learn what it’s like to challenge the single life. What now?

Rinse. Repeat.

If that's you in your user icon, you're really cute. Just keep "fishing" and eventually you'll find someone who fits you and who thinks you're adorable. The more you can be "philosophical" about it and not get too worked up about things, the more likely you are to find someone nice who pleases you and is pleased by you.

If it gets too stressful, take a break from it. I've found for myself that when I look for someone, I can't find them but when I give up and just do stuff I like to do, that's when someone surprises me. I think maybe actively looking makes me less attractive in some way.

Just keep things open and let it be known that you're looking (which is exactly what you are doing) and try to enjoy life and do things you like to do and make sure to "put yourself out there" whether it's on pay dating sites or whether it's just making sure you get out of the house to go do things regularly and eventually you will meet someone who "clicks."

I met one partner while riding the bus. I asked about his guitar and he got permission from the driver to take it out and play it and things went from there.

I met another when we both showed up to help renovate our favorite used bookstore.

Everyone else, friends and partners, I've met online one way or another. Usually when we were both frequenting the same special-interest message board.

It sounds to me like you're making a great start. So much of dating and relationships is trial-and-error anyway. Keep being polite and available and try to learn what you can each time. I think you did a great job of picking up that woman's after-date signals when she avoided you and you understood that it hadn't "clicked" for her and you took it well and moved on. Many men would have stalked her online or harassed her in some way so feel very proud of yourself for having handled things well, learn whatever you can from that short encounter, and try again.

One thing: you said it felt like a job interview instead of a date. That can happen often, especially with pay sites and speed dating and stuff. It all gets so business-like. Try your best to keep things fun. Women (as far as I know) like to have fun and you will enjoy the process of finding a special someone more if you can have fun along the way, too.

Best wishes!

Well, if you find someone because you want to date rather than because of similar wavelengths it is understandable if it's interviewish. I had no interest beyond intellectual interest in the person whom I am probably going to date. I only fell for him after he showed interest in me. Strangely enough, I find him very easy to talk to, and he didn't sense my AS - he finds me easy to talk to!

Which concludes that common interest and wavelength in a platonic friendship could lead to better things.

try not to overthink it
not everything is solved with careful analysis & cool calculations