Take the plunge or not with friend/lover who has Aspergers?

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Hi everyone,

Brand new to this website and looking for some insight. I'm sorry for the long post, but I think it's warranted.

About eight years ago, I met a guy. We dated for about four months, but he abruptly returning my calls. I stopped calling and moved on with life. Fast forward to a few years ago. I was planning to move out of state for a boyfriend and was calling people I knew to get together one last time. Got together with him and had a nice dinner. He apologized for disappearing all those years ago. I ended up not moving and he and I started hanging out more. It turned into a friends with benefits situation. When I realized that I was using him as a rebound, I told him and apologized profusely. He was, understandably, very angry and hurt and did not talk to me for almost a year. He did eventually and we started to try being friends in earnest. And it worked. A new found level of trust and respect emerged for both of us.

At a certain point, he started visiting a counselor for some previous relationship issues(between himself and another girl). She gave a diagnosis of extremely high functioning Aspergers. He told me and it all made sense. Before he found out, he started making a concerted effort to treat people better and socialize more. It's paid off. He is happier than he's ever been.

Before I learned of his Aspergers, I used to take it as, "Well, that's just the way he is." Sometimes, he would say things that were (in my opinion) completely off the wall, or insensitive or just plain oddball. He also would get interested in something and learn as much as he could about it. Sometimes, he'd go on and on about those topics. I still get frustrated from time but learning he has Aspergers put everything in a new framework for me.

Twice in the past few years, I approached him about being in a romantic relationship with each other. Both times he said no.

He approached me about a month or so ago and wants to give it a go. He's also in the process of joining the Army. He went to a recruiter over a year ago, filled out some paperwork, but that recruiter never got back to him. He visited a new one a few months ago and is now figuring out what jobs he's qualified for. He would not enlist until summer 2011, as he is finishing up a second Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice.

I care about him a lot and in some ways we really get along. There a profound loyalty from both of us. When something upsetting/bad/uncomfortable happens, we generally both try to work out. There is a strong physical attraction. There is an overlap of what we'd like to do in the future regarding kids/housing.

Part of me wants to see how we would work in a relationship. Part of me is hesitant due to our history of on again, off again, sex/no sex pattern. And in one year, he'll be in the Army, stationed .... anywhere.

Thoughts?

Thank you.

The off-again, on-again pattern is common for some aspies as a lifelong relationship pattern--although not for all. Even if he does commit, you're much better off if you're well informed. The AS can be much more destructive if you don't really know what you're getting into

I would strongly suggest that you look at the Delphi forums for spouses of people with aspergers before you decide.

While many of the people here will tell you that it's fine, they can only speak for how they would act or how they would hope to act--and they are not your boyfriend.

Also, an aspergirl named Rudy Simone wrote a wonderful book called "22 Things a Woman Should Know if She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome"

It was like a script for my expie, but I won't go into it here, because I've been warned by moderators that it offends too many people. (Although it's all true, and it' s not good.)

If you want the list, please e-mail me privately.

Scratch that one. I've read what some people write in on the ASpartners forum and it seems to me that most of the time they're not only complaining about how the aspie partner can't make an effort to maintain the because of his condition but also that he can't make any compromises. In the meantime, they don't make any compromises themselves to understand the point of view of the aspie partner. Trying to get advise from that forum is like trying to get marital advise from a divorce forum. Not only are a lot of those women bitter, but they are bloody nasty about aspies in general.

Lunatika, if you want your relationship to actually work, there is another forum at Delphi that gives positive advise, called ASworks or something like that. I can't remember the exact name. Also, this website is quite useful if you want to understand the AS side of the story.

If it's all true; then why have you been warned Do NOT listen to poppyx. She has some major issues about people with Apergers syndrome & I can not figure out why someone with those kinds of issues would even be on a site for Aspergers

Just because someone has AS doesn't mean they can't be a nasty person in general. It's going to vary by quite a bit, and of course any sort of rant forum needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

If you can be clear about what you want from the relationship, what your needs are, and don't wait for him to figure things out on his own, things could go very well. Just be aware of the social deficit. If you put too much emphasis on non-verbal communication, you could be creating a recipe for trouble.

(Depending on how well he's adapted of course.) I can't speak for his character, but I'm guessing you'd have a better idea about it. From what you've said, he seems to be a decent guy. (In which case, I'd suggest giving him a chance.)

From what I've observed and experienced with the guy in question, he's pretty darn wonderful. A big part of that is because he makes the effort to interact with me effectively. In the past, before either of us knew of his Aspergers, and now, as well, if I was hurt/affected by something that he did/said, I'd say something. He's always thanked me for the feedback. He's also given me feedback from time to time, if something I say/do is upsetting/hurtful.

As long as you keep that up, there's no reason it wouldn't work. It seems like you've got a good thing going.

I guess that's the only thing that jumped out at me, in terms of you having reservations about moving forward. You said, "in some ways" you really get along. I guess the only thing I'd encourage you to do is to examine the ways in which you don't get along, and how you might work those issues out (in light of your bf's Aspie diagnosis).

I'd also encourage you to do as much research as you can about Asperger's in general, just cause it will help you understand his behavior (including behavior that he's unable to change). Other than that, I'm inclined to agree with @Pandoran-March....if you're both committed to the relationship equally (and to effectively working through your problems) and the attraction is there, why not give it a try?

I'm not looking for a rant forum from which to gain insight. That's just a hate cake I don't want to bite. If anything, I'm hoping to hear from people in successful relationships where Aspergers is present.

HopeGrows, I'm worried about my patience. I'm worried that it won't be enough. I'm worried that wanting to make it work won't be enough. I'm afraid of trying and failing and the pain that entails.

My instinct initially was to write, "In a lot of ways, we get along." I think I wrote it out as "in some ways" precisely because there is some conflict when it comes to personal and vulnerable interactions. I'm not sure if the ways in which there is conflict supercede the ways in which we do get along.

The Army is also giving me pause. That is it's own stressful element.

Well....at least your own patience is something you can control. However, since you're concerned about the things that cause conflict between you two, have you thought about counseling (preferably with a therapist who understands and treats Aspies)?

I understand being afraid of failing at any relationship, but I think there's an additional stressor here for you. You two really have to make a commitment to each other in order to determine if you can make the relationship work in the long-term....and that can be kind of scary. It can feel like you're really "all in" - and that raises the stakes (in terms of failure), and so raises the risk. But I think if you're both committed to doing the work, that will lessen the risk for both of you.

In terms of the Army, I am kind of surprised that is your bf's career choice. It seems somewhat less than optimal compatibility for an Aspie. But I'm assuming he's thought it all through, so assuming that he will be joining the Army as planned, how are you going to deal with that? Where will you get your emotional support while he's gone? Will you relocate with him? What about your career? I'm not trying to dump a lot of anxiety on you, just giving you the option to consider some concrete answers to these questions, which might also help lessen your fear. Big, unknown change looming in one's future is enough to make anyone anxious....but knocking those issues down one by one (by considering them and making some decisions) can lessen the enormity of the unknown, and lessen your fear.

Look, I think you have a lot going for you as a couple. But both of you have to be pragmatic about what it will take to make your relationship work, and then be willing to make the effort required. Anything short of that is less likely to succeed. For what its worth, I hope you two make it.

I guess I didn't make it clear in my initial post. I don't consider him boyfriend, nor does he consider me his girlfriend. Due to the physical involvement as well as our friendship as a whole, there is definitely an emotional element to our interactions, but also a degree of emotional reservation. I'm trying to figure out for myself whether to jump in and try out a committed romantic relationship with him. He made it clear to me that he wants to try being in a romantic relationship with me. In his words, "I'd rather try and fail, than not try at all."

He and I have considered going to a counsellor to try and find that out.

The military is one of his things that he's been interested in for a long time. Only in the past 18 months or so did he come to that choice to join the Army. (He's 29, I'm 31.) He hasn't signed a contract, so nothing is set in stone, but he's on the path of joining. All the questions you've posed to me regarding what I'll do when he's posted are ones I thought of. Honestly, I don't have the answers. I think that if things go well, then.... yes, I would relocate with him. I work in the medical field for the Army right now, so I think it'd be easy for me to find work. But, we're not even at that point.

How does one parse it out?

Btw, thank you all for your input. Greatly appreciated.

ASPartners--these folks hate aspies.
AS and Relationships that Work--these folks don't hate aspies.
AS and their Partners--these folks don't hate aspies and their moderator is an aspie.
AS Divorce forum (What it says)

The experience of others who have dated aspies can make it so your relationship is successful. AS and their Partners is the most helpful one--they have AS chat on Friday night at nine eastern, and you can do things like ask how to criticize someone with AS without it going badly. (Something I apparently needed to learn.)

edit: nvm... are these all names of forums?

These are all names of forums on Delphi.

They even let a particular woman with AS post in AS Partners, even thought their front page says it's not a "mixed" AS/NT Board--it's basically the place to go if you're having trouble with an AS partner, whether or not you personally have AS.

ok. i totally misinterpreted that post without the clarification. sorry if you saw it before the edit. (sometimes i do catch my errs )

AS Partners basically looks like a rant forum to me. Absolutely everything that goes wrong is usually blamed on Asperger's. That's not helpful at solving problems in relationships, even if the issues are related to AS itself. The other forums look alright though.

I've just finished reading a thread on there, one which you posted on yourself, and I take offense to those other women claiming that all aspies are abusive partners. The fact is, there is no statistical evidence whatsoever that aspies are more likely to be abusive than the general population. It is in fact more likely that aspies, especially women, would be victims of abuse.

Note: I know you didn't make such comments, I was talking about what was written by other people on the thread I'm talking about.