Having Good Luck with a Woman but AS is not helping at all

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I have been seeing a woman for a couple weeks and my AS is really screwing things up. I'm in my midtwenties and shes 30. She has been calling out a lot of my AS quirks and weirdness. I don't to what to say a lot of the times when she does cause I cannot explain it. My lifestyle is odd but I think it's fine and she has asked why I'm embarrassed by it. I avoided the question because I am embarrassed by my AS. I don't like sharing that I have AS.

Sometimes it feels very invasive when she is over because I am on guard. My quirks are all around me in my room and apartment. I kinda don't own much stuff. I'm not a stuff person. I don't have couch, for example. I don't really go places often so I don't have many clothes. I'm not in the least bit broke, but I live like it to a normal person. I'm self employed via the Internet, and one thing that bugs me is I think she thinks I'm some douche bag loser with no job based on the above. It just digs my hole deeper when I explain it's cause I work all the time (my special interest) and that I have noone coming over.

In addition while I'm experienced sexually, I can't read people so this is very awkward. We've fooled around and I try to be more aggressive than I normally would, but still I guess it does not feel natural because I have to let down a barrier but my AS is that barrier. I feel like I really screwed up in this area tonight but I don't know if I was to aggressive or too passive. I just have a lot of trouble reading this and feel like she might be going along with things I do just because or that I'm completely overlooking the signal.

We spoke on the phone after she left and I think things were fine but she had a handful of questions... all related to quirks she noticed in my living conditions at home. I felt violated by this because I was not prepared. If I knew normal people did stuff differently, I would have prepared and bought more clothes, etc!

I feel so confused any advise? My AS is going to screw up a good thing for me!

You have two options here:

1.) Don't tell her, and hope she stays anyway. (Dangerous, because she may just think you're weird and dump you for that.)

2.) Tell her, and she may dump you anyway.

Read "22 Things a Woman Should Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger Syndrome" You will be amazed by how much you're doing that you are not even aware of.

Get a couch.

Also, "Asperger's and Anxiety" is another book that may help. Your anxiety is part of what is messing you up.

Finally, it would help if you accept that she may not be able to accept your AS. Your anxiety about it is probably magnifying your symptoms. (And if she is that shallow, it wouldn't have worked anyway.)

You are an incredibly lucky guy. You've met a nice woman who likes you, who has noticed some odd things about you, but who, instead of running screaming for the hills in the assumption that you are a closet axe-murderer, has decided to not only give you the benefit of the doubt, but to ask questions about the things that confuse her. She's trying to meet you half way. Now, you need to set her at ease and meet her the rest of the way by telling her about your AS.

I understand about not wanting to tell all and sundry about your condition, but she isn't just anybody. This is a woman you have allowed into your life and are considering allowing into your bed -- if you haven't done so already. Communication is the key to any relationship, but the difficulties with communication that can arise from AS are of such a degree that they can destroy a relationship rapidly unless both people know what's going on and can adjust for it. Once fully informed, she can decide if she can handle being in a full relationship with you or not. Maybe she can, maybe she can't, but wouldn't it be better to know now rather than several months down the road? It's also a matter of respect for your partner, though. A relationship involves two people and affects her life as much as it affects yours. If you want to keep her at all, this is just one of those things that you're going to have to take a deep breath, psych yourself up and do. I'm sure you've done it many times in the past already, you can do it again.

In short: you don't need new clothes, you don't need a couch. What you do need is to let your lady know what's going on so she can make an informed decision about something that affects her life as much as it affects yours.

Finally, if it bugs you that she doesn't know what you do for a living, then you need to tell her what it is that you do. Talk about some funny or unreasonable demand a customer has made, or just mention it: "Oh, did I tell you about my business?" "No, you have a business?" "Yes, I run it from home. I'm a free-lance consultant in..." It's perfectly good conversation and will be expected at some point.

^ +1

Thanks for the advise, it will really help me.

Another problem I am having is I'm not a jealous guy, but my time is valuable. I'm giving up a lot of work to pursue this and I feel like she may be trying to play me a bit. She broke up with an on and off boyfriend of a couple years and I don't know too many details as I really don't care. She still talks to him and I have strong feelings I've already been blown off a handful of times for her to chat with him. I don't want to be the "nice guy rebound guy" as my AS gives off the impression that I am naive and overly nice, but I'm really not naive at all. I'm especially ticked that I was blown off for a return phone call tonight. She cut me off on the phone and said I'd get a call back. It's easy to tell that shes on facebook for a couple hours, and probably talking to her ex. She didn't call me back and I didn't bother starting work for a couple hours. This irks me because this is why I don't like a lot of people... they waste time.

I don't do this nice guy stuff and I don't know how to approach without being too cold. I don't like being blown off. I know she will give me some excuse that she fell asleep, but I can read BS. I feel like telling her straight up I don't have time to waste like this and I don't like being blown off. I'd also like to tell her to stop talking to this guy cause why I am wasting my time to put her in a good mood for this dip to upset her? Is this too straight forward? I feel like I should blow her off tomorrow and cancel our plans... show her who is in charge and that shes wasting my time?

How long ago did they break up?

I'm not sure. She says they were on and off for a while. Shes told me she hasn't been eating at all or sleeping at night, until she met me, because of him. She tells me how he still wants her back, but he broke up with her.. yadda yadda. This is why I feel like I'm the nice guy rebound opportunity for her... aka me getting used.

It doesn't sound as if she's over him yet. I could be wrong.

If they've been on-off-on etc. for ages, then probably the only way she will get over him is to cut off all contact. I don't think you can demand that as you've only been going out for two weeks, but it may be wise to distance yourself.

There's no harm in being honest. You can just say straight out that whilst you like her a lot, you don't thinks she's over her ex and you don't want to start anything whilst he's still in the picture. That wouldn't be fair on either of you (exie, or yourself).

You can leave a door open and say 'give me a call' etc. if you want, but I wouldn't hang around waiting for it.

Ditto on Lene.

Yeah, I think Lene's on the money with this one, now that we know more of the story.

Thanks for the help everyone. Long story short, my NT neighbor has been helping me txt her and learn to play her better. Then today she pulled some real crazy crap and I told her straight up call me when shes over this ex and I left. I'm not expecting a call and I don't think I would believe her if she did call.
Overall this was a great learning experience for my next date.. tongiht Thanks to the neighbor.