Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him
09 Jun 2010, 11:58 am
This just my opinion:
Who cares what experts say? They're going to change their minds tomorrow anyway. It wasn't long ago they thought that being gay was a disease and thinking about math rots women's uteruses. The subject is not subject to scientific investigation so it is difficult to come to conclusions. It involves analyzing peoples behavior and motivations in a subjective and biased way.
Anyway, in regards to this individual situation, the way PF is acting seems pretty common. In my experiences an AS person is just less likely to be consciously aware of the motivations for their actions. The main reason AS people are less likely to lie and manipulate is because they are less likely to be aware of reasons to lie and manipulate, not because they are more noble.
If I were this dude in question, I would keep as far from PF as possible. She's just looking for drama. If I were a guy, I'd want a girl who is nice and easy to get along with, and can communicate in reasonable and calm way. I would NOT be interested in some girl who gets mad and bans me from failbook as soon as there is some misunderstanding. Or someone who is going to scrutinize and overanalyze everything I do behind my back on some internet forum with random strangers, just to look for more drama-fodder. "zOmg he was frowning!1 does he hatez me?" Maybe just smelled a fart, or he just remembered he has to go to the dentist tomorrow. Who cares? There is no need to analyze. I would keep away away away because I'd know that as soon as I misstep and accidently press one of her buttons or stumble upon one of her hangups, kaBOOM, more drama.
It's not just PF, what is wrong with people? If you want to know what someone thinks just ask them, why are you asking people on an internet forum? Nevermind... I know how naive that idea is. Actually communicating with people in a straighforward manner like a semi-rational being is apparently too much to expect. Because Asking a question leads to getting an answer, and getting all emotional and overreacting to that answer, more drama and misunderstanding. My word, this thread makes me want to join a convent.
09 Jun 2010, 10:57 pm
"Or someone who is going to scrutinize and overanalyze everything I do behind my back on some internet forum with random strangers, just to look for more drama-fodder. "zOmg he was frowning!1 does he hatez me?" "
To be fair, there are reasons to ask about other people's behavior on WP besides looking for drama, especially if you don't have people you can ask IRL. I know I often overanalyze both what I say and do and what the people I interact with say and do, because I never processed it fully in real time. I have to figure out what was going on after the fact. I bet a lot of people here can relate to that. Maybe NTs would ask "OMG does he hate me?" because they want to stir up drama. People with AS or whatever are more likely to do it because they really don't know, or aren't confident that they know.
"If you want to know what someone thinks just ask them"
Perhaps the other person doesn't want to tell you, and has good reasons not to. By asking them point blank, you're putting them on the spot, which is not a nice thing to do. Or suppose they try to get out of it by telling you true information, but not everything they were thinking. Then you'll be misinformed but think they told you exactly what they were thinking, which is much worse than the social default of not getting the whole story, and knowing it. Or, if they do tell you the actual answer, it may have a negative effect on your relationship with them, or on something else important, so it's socially unacceptable to ask. I do believe in being straightforward as much as possible but there are a few things you just can't ask. It's not always about drama.
10 Jun 2010, 5:19 am
-I understand that you want answers, however, once someone has set boundries, they should be respected by both parties. If things are pushed after boundries were set (especially in the work place), it can be percieved as harrassment. All it takes is a perception and some documentation (such as email to cause loss of job).
-Best advice: Respect boundaries and in the future, as difficult as it may be, do not "poo where you live," so to speak. Basically, keep business as business and seek a interpersonal relationship/companion outisde of the workspace to avoid a potentially bad situation.
11 Jun 2010, 4:32 pm
Look, I've not read every post on this thread, but may I just say... if someone asks you not to contact them, regardless of whether they are aspie or not, you should honour their wishes, and just not contact them. Anything else is unwanted on their part, can be seen as obession or stalking.
The answer to this is so simple.
He said "leave me alone," so leave him alone. Even if it goes against every grain of your being. You wouldn't like it if you asked someone to stop pursuing you and they relentlessly nitpicked every detail to see what they could get away with.
He said stop. So... STOP.
11 Jun 2010, 5:09 pm
A woman once told me to get lost, and because I still wanted to make her as happy as possible I spent the next three months avoiding any place where I could possibly meet her. Then I thought that might itself be annoying and went back to my previous habits, but treated her as neutrally as possible. I neither approached nor conspicuously avoided her. If she had done the same, everything would have been fine, but then she started acting friendly again. I was absolutely sure that if she wanted my company again, she would be as explicit as when she told me I was not welcome (now I know how silly that belief was). She said nothing explicit, and so her being friendly made me acutely uncomfortable. I felt if I responded positively I would only annoy her again and she would explode at some unpredictable moment. Later I understood that I might have annoyed her by failing to respond, but it's impossible to know now.
I can only tell you my reasons in an apparently similar situation. I don't know how similar his reasons are.
That does sound similar.
I was only able to get off the acute discomfort enough that I could think about the situation after I had moved to a different town and we no longer had opportunity to meet. That was a few months later. I don't know what would have happened if we had continued to come across each other.
Now I am old and experienced enough to know why that might be. I don't know whether that is true for your colleague. If my responses are a good model for his, he doesn't intend to offend you, but the more he cares about what you want and the less he can work out what you want, the more uncomfortable he will be and the weirder his attempts to accommodate you will look. The less predictable you appear to him, the more trouble he has. I guess, from analogy with myself.
...
I miss him very much
With the usual disclaimer, I would guess if at some times it leaks through that you miss him and at other times you feel offended, that makes you even less predictable to him, and makes him even more uncomfortable.
What wold have worked for me in that situation was an explicit discussion of what was expected of me. You might try that. Of course it's a risk. I make no promises about the responses of someone I never met.
11 Jun 2010, 5:45 pm
Thanks Gromit
You really sound like the man in question. I am surprised to hear that you can feel uncomfortable with person
you care about. At first I also feel uncomfortable however once I get to know them I would like to be close to them.
I cannot reveal everything here but situation is much more complicated.
When I talked about it to my close friends they all advised it's way too complicated and told me to move on.
We work quite closely and I saw him almost everyday.
In fact he helped me with work last few days. Actually I was surprised with a fact that he came to my desk to collect the papers.
I thought he would send someone else. He merely made eye contact with me when I passed the work to him, just a quick glance before he walked away.(dont remember exactly I think he looked into my eyes just before he took off then I was blushed and looked away quickly) I was shocked to see him at that timeas I didnt expect to see him.
saw him walking pass and taking drink out of the the machine outside my department a few times that day.
It was our first verbal communication since March (although very brief) he sounded like whispering.
I think thats why I cannot stop thinking about him again.
I am feeling so down at the moment in fact cried a bit.
There is no way this will go anywhere but it is so difficult not to think about him.
Good news is his team will move to different floor soon so will see him lesser than now.
A woman once told me to get lost, and because I still wanted to make her as happy as possible I spent the next three months avoiding any place where I could possibly meet her. Then I thought that might itself be annoying and went back to my previous habits, but treated her as neutrally as possible. I neither approached nor conspicuously avoided her. If she had done the same, everything would have been fine, but then she started acting friendly again. I was absolutely sure that if she wanted my company again, she would be as explicit as when she told me I was not welcome (now I know how silly that belief was). She said nothing explicit, and so her being friendly made me acutely uncomfortable. I felt if I responded positively I would only annoy her again and she would explode at some unpredictable moment. Later I understood that I might have annoyed her by failing to respond, but it's impossible to know now.
I can only tell you my reasons in an apparently similar situation. I don't know how similar his reasons are.
That does sound similar.
I was only able to get off the acute discomfort enough that I could think about the situation after I had moved to a different town and we no longer had opportunity to meet. That was a few months later. I don't know what would have happened if we had continued to come across each other.
Now I am old and experienced enough to know why that might be. I don't know whether that is true for your colleague. If my responses are a good model for his, he doesn't intend to offend you, but the more he cares about what you want and the less he can work out what you want, the more uncomfortable he will be and the weirder his attempts to accommodate you will look. The less predictable you appear to him, the more trouble he has. I guess, from analogy with myself.
...
I miss him very much
With the usual disclaimer, I would guess if at some times it leaks through that you miss him and at other times you feel offended, that makes you even less predictable to him, and makes him even more uncomfortable.
What wold have worked for me in that situation was an explicit discussion of what was expected of me. You might try that. Of course it's a risk. I make no promises about the responses of someone I never met.
Last edited by petitefille on 11 Jun 2010, 5:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
11 Jun 2010, 5:51 pm
The answer to this is so simple.
He said "leave me alone," so leave him alone. Even if it goes against every grain of your being. You wouldn't like it if you asked someone to stop pursuing you and they relentlessly nitpicked every detail to see what they could get away with.
He said stop. So... STOP.
I dont know where you get the idea that I contacted him or will contact him.
As I mentioned above I respect his request so I will not talk to him unlesss its work related. I just have to tell someone somewhere how I feel and this place is where Ive decided to talk about my feelings and etc. And it has been helpful.
11 Jun 2010, 6:43 pm
It's because I care. If I didn't give a damn, any problem is all theirs. If I care, it's also mine.
But you see, that is what's gone. If I get a reaction that is unexpected enough, I lose the feeling that I know the person. I no longer know whether what I try to offer will be welcome or annoying or offensive.
I think I have an analogy that could work for you. Imagine you know someone pretty well, but then that person suffers a brain injury that magnifies all emotional responses and throws in a random component. Something you previously were sure would make that person smile a little might make them deliriously happy, but more likely makes them hate you, and the response might be completely different next time round. Would you feel comfortable? How does your comfort level in the face of unpredictability depend on how much you care?
Now imagine that change in how you respond to each other is not caused by the other suffering a brain injury but by you thinking you must have been wrong all along, you never really knew what the other thought and felt, you just were lucky before or had a bad attack of wishful thinking. That things worked out for a while now looks like a fluke, things just randomly went right for a bit or the other person was generous, but the trouble you have now is inescapably and unavoidably your fault. Because other people aren't perfect either, you might eventually conclude that it's not all your fault, just mostly your fault, but that insight just confuses you more because if you get annoyed you don't know whether it is occasionally justified or just your own lame attempt to avoid responsibility. How comfortable are you in that person's presence, what difference does it make if you care?
Perhaps he's adjusting faster than I did.
12 Jun 2010, 5:23 am
I think I have an analogy that could work for you. Imagine you know someone pretty well, but then that person suffers a brain injury that magnifies all emotional responses and throws in a random component. Something you previously were sure would make that person smile a little might make them deliriously happy, but more likely makes them hate you, and the response might be completely different next time round. Would you feel comfortable? How does your comfort level in the face of unpredictability depend on how much you care?
What a coincidence I thought the other day what if I suddenly had memory loss wonder if that would make him feel any better around me? How would he behave around me. Your comment reminds me of the movie first 50 dates.
I would understand this person's situation and needs so it will not affect on my behaviour or cretainly no akwardness I will try to be around even more to see if there is anything I could help. Of course there will be moment of frustrations but as I care about this person and situation so I would not feel uncomfortable.
Not sure if I follow you 100% but agreed, even though I would like to patch things up but yet I also feel uncomfortable with him and if ever left alone with him I wont have anything to say. And thats why I was stunned when he came around to my desk to get and return my work.
However he caused and created all this confusion by acting weird in the first place. by not responding to my simple texts and avoided me then decided to change his mind so hang around in the evening outside my department.
At that time I have not done anything wrong I even thought did I do something wrong ? or upset him ?
But then one day I exploded. I would have moved on if I didnt see him since then.
What do you mean by he is adjusting? Do you mean he is fine now feel comfortable with me , moved on ?
So according to your previous comment I now have to keep ingoring him, never approach him in a friendly way. I feel like going to chat to him two days ago when I saw him in a hall way as if nth ever happened but then I still feel very angry with him. It just comes and goes in my mind.
I dont think I will ever talk to him unless he initiate first but I know for sure it will never happen.
12 Jun 2010, 11:14 am
What do you mean by he is adjusting? Do you mean he is fine now feel comfortable with me , moved on ?
I was thinking it looks like he is getting over feeling acutely awkward in your presence. That is already guesswork, so I don't want to be more specific.
Not quite. In a similar situation I first got a clear message to get lost, then something ambiguous that may have been friendly or may have been merely polite. I needed clarity, but didn't get it. I find a clear "Get lost" preferable to mixed messages or accidental or deliberate ambiguity.
If both of you have gotten over acute awkwardness, you now have opportunity to decide what sort of relationship you want. If you just want to be colleagues, you can be normal colleagues. or whatever else works for both of you. It would help if both of you worked out how things went wrong, and how to avoid it. Perhaps you are just too incompatible to be anything more than colleagues, even if you like each other. It can happen. Mutual affection and respect is not enough for friendship. If you can be friends, all power to you, but it takes work.
I can think of several ways for you to be right. He may want your friendship, but doesn't think you want it. He may want your friendship, but thinks that even if the feeling is mutual, you two are too incompatible for friendship to be possible. He may no longer be interested in anything more than a good working relationship. Your description makes the last appear less probable, but I haven't seen how the man is behaving and wouldn't be a good judge if I had, so I thought I had to include it in the list.
If you had that problem with me, the way to find out what's happening at my end would be to ask, because I would assume you wouldn't want me to ask, and it would take a lot for me to ignore that. Giving me hints wouldn't work.
I am guessing you feel I am telling you that if you want to be more than a colleague to this guy you have to do all the work. If you naturally have an indirect communication style, you probably will continue feeling that way. I can tell you that someone who needs a direct communication style feels he has to do all the work when dealing with someone who is naturally indirect. If you are mismatched in this way, you often will both feel that you have to make most of the effort. Even if you both understand what is happening, you may carry on feeling that way, because feelings don't always follow knowledge. If that is the root of the trouble between you two, you both have to decide whether the benefits of friendship are worth the effort. I can't predict how much it would take for either of you.
14 Jun 2010, 9:04 pm
Yes.
Let's assume the guy is an aspie. From what I can tell, he's probably STILL attracted to you (IMO he wouldn't be trying to avoid you if he didn't find you attractive) but awkward as hell and afraid to show it. You were hitting on him but then you managed to confuse him, so he threw a fit and lamely attempted to cut you off because he doesn't know what's going on, and now you're sitting on all kinds of awkward.
Being an aspie male, I can easily put myself in dude's shoes. You probably scared the hell out of him by deleting him from facebook, making him feel rejected before he even did anything wrong to you; rejected simply because he's shy and awkward. Like every other woman he's ever met. No wonder he told you to stay away from him. Luckily being an aspie male, I also have the cure for this whole 7-page situation:
Wait until he's in a good mood, approach him, be VERY nice (aspie guys LOVE it when you're nice to us for no reason, especially if you smile at us), explain that you're still attracted to him. Apologize for the last few months, and tell him you'd really like to spend time with him outside of work. His first reactions will probably be confusion, suspicion, fear and denial. Persist and make it absolutely clear that you have no ulterior motives. If he reacts negatively to this, fine. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Then you can go back to avoiding eachother at work and all that good stuff.
But seeing as you're both immature as hell, I don't think it's going to work out. Prove me wrong.
15 Jun 2010, 9:41 am
Would it make things different if he is not an aspie?
I would avoid (or ignore) someone who fancies me unless I fancy him back so there might be a chance that he does not like me more than a colleague. And you said awkward as hell and afraid to show the fact that he likes me or so. How would you show somone as an aspie if you fancy someone ? I meant we used to chat and smile from a distance.
Therefore he seems to know how to show affection???? - > please let me know what you think of that.
Occasionally I made him awkward as conversation went on as he got stucked what to say to my quetions ( he sorta lied to me with common well used expression then if I ask further questions related to what he said...as he did not prepare for that (or lied) he ended up saying completely opposite ? so he got embrassed)
Anyway I dont know how he would show the fact he likes me if he really liked me. wonder..
of course he cannot show it to me unless it's mutual. Do you aspie guys show your affection to someone you like ?
I believe that he never had a gf.
I felt that I was being played. Suddenly since X-Mas/New Years holidays he started avoiding me first so how would that make me feel? I simply ignored and moved on a bit then he started hanging around my department as I mentioned many times above. He once waved at me (not a proper wave..just lifted his hand at me lol) when we ran into each other outside my office.
I dont think I am the one who confused him he confused me! I didnt know he is an aspie so I thought he was playing a game with me.
oh well there is hope. hopefully there will be a chance for me to smile at him.
And I did apologise and now he owes me an apology for his offensive behaviour regardless his intention.
thanks for that!
huytongirl
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 5 Feb 2010
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 55
Location: Norfolk, England
11 Sep 2010, 2:40 pm
I was amazed to find this thread. I am in almost the same situation, Facebook and everything - except we go to the same mantal-health drop-in centre, and I am a female Aspie, and I'm pretty sure he's Aspie too. We had a MASSIVE row last May, via Facebook, over him arranging to meet me and some friends for coffee and emailing to say he wasn't coming way too late. And I said, So you never want to see me outside the Centre? And he emailed, Yes, that is correct. And ever since then, oh my God it's been so mad and stupid. Sometimes we get back on all-but speaking terms, and then he shuts down again. It's a 1,0000 page novel, but here are three things:
1. He said catagorically he did not want to see me outside the centre, but he did come to two events outside it which he knew I'd be at - even though we were on dreadful terms at the time (ie, events with only a few others present). And he still attends the writing group there, which I always go to, and will talk to me then - but in a sort of aggrieved tone, sometimes. I get the feeling (self-obsession, maybe) that he's dying to Tell Me A Few Home Truths.
2. At the start of August we actually had a conversation, albeit a brief one. Then a friend of mine (and his), who is a teacher, came to the writing group during the school holidays. He tried to touch her arm - and she leaned as far away as possible as she could from him - right up against the wall to get away. After that, he stopped coming to the group while she was there, and stopped talking to me. Also he offended a friend of me and my friend (if you follow me) so here we have these two women who he used to get on with, but who dislike him intensely now - and I'm their friend. So I wonder if he classes me as "one of those horrible women." I also wonders if he pointedly ignores me because I'm the only one of the three of us who he can "punish" - the other two just avoid him.
3. Last time I tried to speak to him, he ignored me and started talking to someone else - putting his hand in front of his face, as if shielding himself from me. I told my teacher friend, and she said, "That's what I do when he talks to me."
The other thing is, I find him so sexually attractive it's almost intolerable. I've never told him that because he said one time he has no sexual desires and will never fall in love again. I've accepted that fact from the start. I did once very casually invite him out for coffee, but he said No, so I left it after that.
He's blocked me on Facebook (after I came off his friends list - (it actually never occured to me that that might have been hurtful, since he hurt me so badly first) and by email. We can't talk it over - tried it before this row and it failed, and also I'm scared he'll tell me he knows I fancy him and it'll be horrible and humiliating.
I know there's no answer to this. We're pretty much stuck like this. But anyway, strikingly similar, I think.
huytongirl
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 5 Feb 2010
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 55
Location: Norfolk, England
11 Sep 2010, 2:58 pm
Also - here's some Aspie honesty! Sometimes I think he feels the same way and he's scared and doesn't know what the hell to do, so just shoves it all away - ignore her, walk away, pretend it isn't happening. And I take the anger, even the silent treatment, as proof that there's more feeling in there than just the niggle of dislike that lingers after an argument. Other times I think he realised I fancied him and was ABSOLUTLEY HORRIFIED AND COULDN'T RUN AWAY FAST ENOUGH. Mainly, though, I think he just replaced friendship with a grudge - far easier to cope with - and simply adapts to the awkwardness of seeing me round. And maybe in a year or so, if the centre's still open, he might start to chat to me again. I think the final idea is probably accurate, but I really couldn't say for sure.
Also I realise I made my friend sound like a total b***h in the post above. The thing is, he does touch people - well, women - not sexually -touch on the arm, leans too close, that sort of thing. She's told him she doesn't like it., and then he did it again. And now she finds him repulsive. The other friend - he shouted at her child because (and I only have this at third hand) he thought she was too near the road, and a row ensued. Now this other friend also avoids him and feels utterly furious about him.
There was also a third woman at the centre who has delusions - and one delusion was that he was after her in an aggressively sexual way. She used to shout at him to leave her alone when he was just sitting there doing nothing. She does seem to be coming out of it now, though - but it comes and goes.
Sometimes I wonder what on earth he must think of all of this. Actually, writing all this down makes me wonder if he maybe he's just decided it's better not to talk to women at all.
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