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Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him

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LostAlien
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31 May 2010, 6:12 pm

petitefille wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
petitefille wrote:
I promised I wont walk pass his either. After a few months I started to walk pass his department so he started walking pass my departement too. If I see him I treated him invisiable or turned my head down.

It is not fair that he acts offensively towards me especially where he will see me outside my department.


OP, you promised to stay away from his department, and then you went back on your word. How is that fair to him? You haven't really described any behavior that is offensive, just odd. Look, these are the consequences of getting involved with a co-worker - you have to keep dealing with them when you no longer like them. You're going to have to be the bigger person here and ignore his odd behavior.


The reason I started walking pass his department is actually this is where the ladies is.. lol
I had to use long route for a few months or went downstairs which was not very comfortable with high heels at times. And I thought it would be okay to use the normal route after a while as we will grow out of it. It seemed okay until last week until he started behaving oddly again and after a hour later he sent me thank you email as well ! !! Isnt it weird ?
I am just trying to understand him otherwise I will end up hating him for good.


and yes regarding facebook, it's totally my responsibility and I know how it would make anyone feel like. I apologised to him in email too. oh actually I dont know when he created it but I found him registered with fake name (probably one of the most common English name )on facebook as well. I wonder if he created it to check my profile sometimes..


About walking past his department, perhaps it would have been a good idea to email him to let him know that avoiding walking past his department didn't suit you because it was the easiest route to a place you needed to go regularly enough. His behaviour is strange, it's probably best to learn how to ignore it.

His behaviour is not your responsibility, perhaps in time he'll get his head together but it's still not your responsibility how he behaves. Your responsibilty is only for how you act.



HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 6:14 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
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I can't explain it, beyond speculation: could be a combination of stress, immaturity, meltdown, frustration, embarrassment, attempt to avoid intimacy....whatever. The common thread I've found is that there's typically no warning, no attempt to discuss the problem at hand - just a massive, relationship evaporating explosion (that's quite effective at ending the relationship) - and the lack of regret.

.


my gawd, HopeGrows! this exact behavior in women get them labeled Borderline Personality Disorder! It is seen as 'the silent treatment' and seen as an attempt to 'manipulate' others socially. Personally I see it as a simple 'no means no'.

Merle


Well, my understanding of BPD involves many more criteria than those I've mentioned above. However, if you consider the Executive Function challenges associated with ASD, the behavior I've described is (sadly) consistent with those challenges. I think there are probably mitigating circumstances/conditions associated the with individuals engaged in the behavior I've described, but ASD is a big part of it.

(Also, "no means no" is not applicable in these circumstances, as there was no question on the table.)


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sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 6:34 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all.


Aspies don't hate? I'm going to keep that filed next to "Aspies don't lie" and "Aspies don't cheat" - cause in my experience, there's nothing about being Aspie that eliminates those behaviors.


I apologize if you misunderstand my meaning, HopeGrows. I am saying in this situation he doesn't 'hate' her. I had no idea I was speaking for all Aspies and how they feel, as I was responding to this alleged Aspie and his confusion over the woman's behavior.

sorry if you had the impression my advice would include something as idiotic as to dictate ALL behaviors can be explained by one blanket stereotype.

Merle



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31 May 2010, 6:36 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
I can't explain it, beyond speculation: could be a combination of stress, immaturity, meltdown, frustration, embarrassment, attempt to avoid intimacy....whatever. The common thread I've found is that there's typically no warning, no attempt to discuss the problem at hand - just a massive, relationship evaporating explosion (that's quite effective at ending the relationship) - and the lack of regret.

.


my gawd, HopeGrows! this exact behavior in women get them labeled Borderline Personality Disorder! It is seen as 'the silent treatment' and seen as an attempt to 'manipulate' others socially. Personally I see it as a simple 'no means no'.

Merle


Well, my understanding of BPD involves many more criteria than those I've mentioned above. However, if you consider the Executive Function challenges associated with ASD, the behavior I've described is (sadly) consistent with those challenges. I think there are probably mitigating circumstances/conditions associated the with individuals engaged in the behavior I've described, but ASD is a big part of it.

(Also, "no means no" is not applicable in these circumstances, as there was no question on the table.)


the question on the table was being friended then un-friended = saying 'no' to the relationship. do try to keep up. . :D


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hale_bopp
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31 May 2010, 7:05 pm

Aspie men do this to me sometimes.

You really should explain to him that the only reason you removed him as a friend was because you felt he was rude and never replied to your messages, but you still like him and want to work it out.

He had a tantrum because you removed him from face book so that is the root of the problem. Explain why you did it.



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31 May 2010, 7:08 pm

sinsboldly: There are a few slight differences between how women think and how men think, and no matter if HopeGrows sounds annoyingly inaccurate in her assessment, she's actually spot on when she says the signals are largely indecipherable. Men doesn't deal with "no means no" in the same way as women. At all.

But I can perfectly well see myself in the same shoes as this guy we're talking about, because I've been there and done exactly what he does. Although I might not be correct (maybe due to lack of information), I think this guy is avoiding petitefille because he thinks she hates him. He is actually trying to avoid awkward situations and being hurt.

The only way this can be fixed is to get him in on a 1 on 1 conversation with no risk of being interrupted by anybody else. That's what I think.


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sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 8:03 pm

Kenjuudo wrote:
sinsboldly: There are a few slight differences between how women think and how men think, and no matter if HopeGrows sounds annoyingly inaccurate in her assessment, she's actually spot on when she says the signals are largely indecipherable..


the only annoying thing was to be thought I would make a blanket statement of what all Aspies (or anyone else, for that matter, ) said, did or was capable of. :roll: Once that was ironed out, no worries, mate.

Merle



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31 May 2010, 8:08 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all.


Aspies don't hate? I'm going to keep that filed next to "Aspies don't lie" and "Aspies don't cheat" - cause in my experience, there's nothing about being Aspie that eliminates those behaviors.


I apologize if you misunderstand my meaning, HopeGrows. I am saying in this situation he doesn't 'hate' her. I had no idea I was speaking for all Aspies and how they feel, as I was responding to this alleged Aspie and his confusion over the woman's behavior.

sorry if you had the impression my advice would include something as idiotic as to dictate ALL behaviors can be explained by one blanket stereotype.

Merle


@sinsboldly, I don't think I misunderstood you at all - your explanation really doesn't change what you wrote, which is that because this guy is Aspie, he doesn't hate this woman. Since you don't know the people involved, and haven't observed the behavior described, I'm at a loss as to how you could possibly draw that conclusion - unless you're applying a "blanket stereotype" - like Aspies are somehow incapable of hate. (See, I keep up just fine. :D Notice how the "very happy" icon doesn't hide sarcasm and condescension?)


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31 May 2010, 8:11 pm

Kenjuudo wrote:
sinsboldly: There are a few slight differences between how women think and how men think, and no matter if HopeGrows sounds annoyingly inaccurate in her assessment, she's actually spot on when she says the signals are largely indecipherable. Men doesn't deal with "no means no" in the same way as women. At all.

But I can perfectly well see myself in the same shoes as this guy we're talking about, because I've been there and done exactly what he does. Although I might not be correct (maybe due to lack of information), I think this guy is avoiding petitefille because he thinks she hates him. He is actually trying to avoid awkward situations and being hurt.

The only way this can be fixed is to get him in on a 1 on 1 conversation with no risk of being interrupted by anybody else. That's what I think.


:lmao:


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31 May 2010, 8:13 pm

I have a similar problem when I feel hurt by women. If I start and remain in the friend zone I am fine. It only happens if I thought the relationship got serious then went bad. I don't totally ignore the girls, but I try hard not to look at them or get into conversations with them. I wish they would apologize and tell me they love me, but that is fantasy and would never happen. Since I don't know how to handle it, I avoid them. I worry if I give an inch, and look at her, my self control will all crumble, and I would try for the friend zone again. If I tried the friend zone, it probably would not work. I don't know if I would cry, or be entirely too forward and needy seeming. It feels like I am falling in a trap when I look at her. I want her, but she will destroy me. Am am a moth and she is the flame.


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31 May 2010, 8:15 pm

Shouldn't we at least try to stay on topic? :P


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Kenjuudo
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31 May 2010, 8:18 pm

Mudboy wrote:
I have a similar problem when I feel hurt by women. If I start and remain in the friend zone I am fine. It only happens if I thought the relationship got serious then went bad. I don't totally ignore the girls, but I try hard not to look at them or get into conversations with them. I wish they would apologize and tell me they love me, but that is fantasy and would never happen. Since I don't know how to handle it, I avoid them. I worry if I give an inch, and look at her, my self control will all crumble, and I would try for the friend zone again. If I tried the friend zone, it probably would not work. I don't know if I would cry, or be entirely too forward and needy seeming. It feels like I am falling in a trap when I look at her. I want her, but she will destroy me. Am am a moth and she is the flame.
Damn good description of what he's going through. I think that's exactly what is happening.


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Eldanesh
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31 May 2010, 9:33 pm

Well, um, from a converse perspective, maybe he saw a rare person he could talk to but was afraid you would want a romantic relationship. If he is like me he might spend most of his social energy identifying the "threats" from possible friendships and proceeding to remover/piss off said threats.



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31 May 2010, 9:38 pm

I've been in similar situations as that guy at work before(I won't get into all the details here) & I've had problems till the women left the job. I'm not sure what kind of job it is but if it's causing any kinds of problems in the work place; it mite be a good idea to speak to a supervisor about it. Having to take a longer route to avoid him is not being productive in the workplace. Maybe you or him could be transferred to a different department where you would have contact less & pass by each other less or something. In my cases I was lucky cuz the women left awhile after due to problems with management. In one case my supervisor was having issues with the girl as well so we stuck together when ever one of us had to pass by her area


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01 Jun 2010, 12:19 pm

Mudboy wrote:
I have a similar problem when I feel hurt by women. If I start and remain in the friend zone I am fine. It only happens if I thought the relationship got serious then went bad. I don't totally ignore the girls, but I try hard not to look at them or get into conversations with them. I wish they would apologize and tell me they love me, but that is fantasy and would never happen. Since I don't know how to handle it, I avoid them. I worry if I give an inch, and look at her, my self control will all crumble, and I would try for the friend zone again. If I tried the friend zone, it probably would not work. I don't know if I would cry, or be entirely too forward and needy seeming. It feels like I am falling in a trap when I look at her. I want her, but she will destroy me. Am am a moth and she is the flame.


Hello Mudboy
A moth and the flame I like your quote maybe you should try harder to express yourself to whom you love. If he were to say something like what you wrote to me I would definitely fall in love with him.
Can I ask you one thing though what do you mean by you wish they would aplogise to you, what do they need to apologise for if you dont mind ?



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01 Jun 2010, 12:23 pm

you should ask him out on a date.