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MathGirl
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07 May 2010, 10:46 pm

There's one man I have feelings for. I do not know, however, what to do with my feelings for him. He's an Aspie. We talk about a lot of things, but I don't think the topic of relationships has been touched upon yet. Should I hint to him by maybe bringing up the topic, or should I tell him straight up that I have feelings for him? If he has feelings for me and he's suppressing them, and if I suppress mine, then we'll never find out that we both have feelings for each other.

He's a really nice guy, and we're good friends. We don't talk very often, though. We've only met twice and for the rest of the time, we communicate through email. He lives quite far away from me.
I'm also worried that he is friends with another woman who moved from Canada to the States. They might have some chemistry going on between them.


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Hopeless_Hearts_Marie
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07 May 2010, 11:03 pm

I want to know the same thing? When the time comes and you know, what do you do?



anneurysm
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08 May 2010, 12:23 am

I find this surprising and intriguing as I thought you were an asexual. Then again, people often change and question themselves...or perhaps these feelings are purely romantic without having any sexual connotations.

That being said, I've had to deal with the same situation a few times. The trick is to get to know someone slowly to the point that you would feel comfortable telling them these things. It's great that you are talking about a great deal of things already though...getting to know someone platonically is the place to start and it is often what people fail to do first.

If you confess all of your feelings at once when you aren't comfortable discussing romance or relationships yet, things will come across as a bit awkward for him and he may feel that he is being rushed into things. Bring the topic of relationships up, but try not to make it about both of you being a potential couple. Ask things like what he likes in a girl, and what he would want out of a relationship, where he could see himself in 5 years, etc.

Try not to let the issue of distance discourage you. He has already met you twice, so if something happens, chances are he will try to visit you. Another idea is before you bring up the topic of relationships, have him down for another visit and do something fun together platonically. This could allow you to become more comfortable with each other. Also, how are you certain that the other woman and him have chemistry?


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I am an anomaly. Diagnosed with borderline,"tentative" Aspergers at 7 as the school board required me to have a label in order to receive special education services. I did not fit criteria for ASD but that was the closest label that fit my behaviour at the time.

My longtime psychiatrist has confirmed that I do not qualify for an ASD diagnosis (but have traits & OCD-like traits).

Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


Hopeless_Hearts_Marie
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08 May 2010, 12:29 am

In the past I've confessed to guys that I have interest in them and that I'd like to explore it further, but I get put down and thankfully they've all been very kind when doing it. So I always wonder when will it be the right time to let the guy know.



MathGirl
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08 May 2010, 12:55 am

anneurysm wrote:
I find this surprising and intriguing as I thought you were an asexual. Then again, people often change and question themselves...or perhaps these feelings are purely romantic without having any sexual connotations.

That being said, I've had to deal with the same situation a few times. The trick is to get to know someone slowly to the point that you would feel comfortable telling them these things. It's great that you are talking about a great deal of things already though...getting to know someone platonically is the place to start and it is often what people fail to do first.

If you confess all of your feelings at once when you aren't comfortable discussing romance or relationships yet, things will come across as a bit awkward for him and he may feel that he is being rushed into things. Bring the topic of relationships up, but try not to make it about both of you being a potential couple. Ask things like what he likes in a girl, and what he would want out of a relationship, where he could see himself in 5 years, etc.

Try not to let the issue of distance discourage you. He has already met you twice, so if something happens, chances are he will try to visit you. Another idea is before you bring up the topic of relationships, have him down for another visit and do something fun together platonically. This could allow you to become more comfortable with each other. Also, how are you certain that the other woman and him have chemistry?
Yes, it is a purely romantic relationship. Yes, I'm asexual as far as I know, and I find sex dirty and vulgar. Love, on the other hand, is beautiful, and comes straight from the heart. I don't believe in love at first sight, and for me, it seems impossible to fall in love with someone without getting to know them platonically first. Because I don't think you can ever develop feelings for something or someone you have not fully appreciated. Like looking at a large painting, you cannot have an aesthetic emotional response to a piece of art you have only had one glimpse at. And humans are far more complicated than pieces of art.

Thanks for your advice :) I guess I'll mention it indirectly, then. I might ask him about whether he's planning to have a family. Or whether he's ever been in a relationship before. But the thing is that if he's hesitant to talk about it, he might still have feelings for me but be very insecure about them, so he might want to change the subject. On the other hand, if he starts talking a lot about it, that might also indicate that he has feelings for me. I just don't know what signals to look for.

As for the woman, I've practically met him through her, although in a very indirect way. I won't disclose any further, because I don't want to give out too much information about us. One thing I could say, though, is that they still talk to each other a lot through email, even though they're far away. But that doesn't mean anything, I guess. They might still be in a platonic relationship. I don't talk to this man very often through email. Because we've only met each other twice, though, I don't think there are many things for us to discuss yet to have the need to communicate so frequently. It's usually me who ends up not reciprocating, partly because it's a lot of pressure for me to maintain any sort of relationship on a regular basis. I'm much more comfortable with people in person than online.


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happymusic
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08 May 2010, 11:22 am

One time I never expressed my feelings to a girl I really, really liked. I was too shy and she ended up moving away. I feel I lost out in a way. Do you feel you have something to lose if you do express your feelings to him and then find that he doesn't feel the same way?



MathGirl
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09 May 2010, 3:11 pm

happymusic wrote:
One time I never expressed my feelings to a girl I really, really liked. I was too shy and she ended up moving away. I feel I lost out in a way. Do you feel you have something to lose if you do express your feelings to him and then find that he doesn't feel the same way?
The only thing I've got to lose is my friendship with him. And I'm afraid that I might lose it.


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Hopeless_Hearts_Marie
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09 May 2010, 3:28 pm

MathGirl wrote:
The only thing I've got to lose is my friendship with him. And I'm afraid that I might lose it.

One of the guys I liked is one of my friends and when I told him he let me down easy and were still good friends.
It just depends on the person.



Dhp
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09 May 2010, 5:13 pm

Now this is a topic I know nothing about; however, my opinion is that you should tell him how you feel. What's the worst that can happen? He lets you down easily and you stay friends? It sounds to me like if he likes you as a friend, he still will after that question is posted. I wish the best for you. :-)



Justagirl
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08 Jul 2010, 2:41 pm

Dear Mathgirl,

I was very surprised to see your birthdate, you are very young but very mature.

I am also in a position where I know Aspie guy and I have feelings for each other, but we only see each other once a week for a church gethering, and we are not fully comfortable with each other even though we have talked about some deep subjects.

It's just very awkward as we both are shy and become self-conscious when we talk. It's getting less and less though.

I do think it's a good idea to let him know how you feel, but at this stage it may be too early. You can observe him or maybe ask him to go to a movie and hold his hands if you can and see. I think physical touch is so powerful in bring two human-beings together. If you say verbally that you like him, he might not know how to react, but if you just gently hold his hands in a movie theatre etc, I think he will appreciate it. After you had this physical touch, you will be more comfortable telling him your feeling.

This is what I am going to try with my favorite Aspie guy...

Let me know how it goes.

Peace!



billsmithglendale
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08 Jul 2010, 2:51 pm

I would hold off on confessing unless things are very desperate or unclear. Dropping more subtle hints, like talking about past relationships or the desire for one, or what you are looking for (at this point, stretching the definition of subtlety) is a better route.

I've only had the direct route work once, and the other times, it was a disaster. Too much pressure and expectations on the person, and if they don't feel the same way, it really does not go well :(