What do you define as flirting?

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CrinklyCrustacean
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18 Jul 2010, 7:45 am

Having recently been accused of flirting when I most certainly didn't intend to, what sort of things would you put in this category?



Hector
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19 Jul 2010, 1:39 am

Some of these things indicate sexual interest (given that you are a male and assuming that the subject is a female):

* Maintaining eye contact for slightly longer periods than usual while listening in conversation. Also, smiling.
* Giving compliments, especially on looks.
* Touching - such as a light touch on the arm. There are different cultural boundaries on this sort of thing, but where I've lived (in Canada and Ireland) this is a sign.
* Just generally appearing a lot more interested in what a particular woman is doing and has to say than many of her friends, and many of your female acquaintances. Talking about her, going out of your way to speak to her, being more receptive and sympathetic. If you are aware of the amount of attention you give people and really, truly, believe that you are even-handed with your friends, then maybe this doesn't apply to you.

Sometimes people read too much into things and it's not really anything to worry about.



Adam82
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19 Jul 2010, 2:43 am

Hector wrote:
Some of these things indicate sexual interest (given that you are a male and assuming that the subject is a female):

* Maintaining eye contact for slightly longer periods than usual while listening in conversation. Also, smiling.
* Giving compliments, especially on looks.
* Touching - such as a light touch on the arm. There are different cultural boundaries on this sort of thing, but where I've lived (in Canada and Ireland) this is a sign.
* Just generally appearing a lot more interested in what a particular woman is doing and has to say than many of her friends, and many of your female acquaintances. Talking about her, going out of your way to speak to her, being more receptive and sympathetic. If you are aware of the amount of attention you give people and really, truly, believe that you are even-handed with your friends, then maybe this doesn't apply to you.

Sometimes people read too much into things and it's not really anything to worry about.


I do all of these things to the girl at work I like. She doesn't seem to mind. She must know I like her by now.



Hector
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19 Jul 2010, 2:54 am

The flip side of the coin is that maybe she doesn't have the slightest notion, even though most women her age may. Does she respond to your initiating gestures?

Additionally, many women flirt with men because they enjoy doing it as an end in itself.



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19 Jul 2010, 3:13 am

When I am around women, they flip their hair usually or they cover up their physical imperfections so that I might not see. If a woman does not acknowledge you, then place her in the past and forget that she exists.



KaiG
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19 Jul 2010, 9:18 am

I don't know, but always assumed that it would come naturally to me. It's meant to be an unconscious thing, after all. I don't agree with setting out to flirt on purpose, it seems manipulative.


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19 Jul 2010, 10:56 am

Flirting behavior --

Men -- not very subtle, but I'm aware this is an Aspie forum. Men will pay a lot of attention to a girl they like, say her name often, make excuses to be around her, talk to her a lot, ask questions about her life, but more so, will talk about themselves to her and show off. This is called "demonstrating value" in PUA-speak. Sometimes they may also get touchy, but the smart guys know not to do this until the woman has either gotten touchy first, or has invited him in some way to touch her.

Women -- more subtle. Will ask the guy things about himself, will remember those details later in other conversations, will make excuses to stop by and talk (women really like using speech as a way to make social connections), and if they like the guy, will tend to laugh at everything he says (in a good way), may touch him on the arm or shoulder, will make eye contact more than once from afar, but not necessarily steady eye contact until she is up close.

Eye contact -- steady from a man, he likes you. Intermittent from a woman (across the room), she is interested in some way. Think "peek-a-boo!" -- now you see her eyes, now you don't. Too much steady eye contact from a man to a woman will creep her out.

Does this help?



billsmithglendale
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19 Jul 2010, 11:02 am

KaiG wrote:
I don't know, but always assumed that it would come naturally to me. It's meant to be an unconscious thing, after all. I don't agree with setting out to flirt on purpose, it seems manipulative.


Don't take it too seriously -- flirting is a way to gauge one's market value, regardless of whether one is actually "on the market." I get flirted with (either verbally or just through eyes and behavior) by people all the time, single or not. Everyone likes a compliment, even an unspoken one, everyone likes to know that should their relationship fall apart, others of value will be there to take up the slack, and sometimes, it's just nice to have attention from someone you find (and who finds you) attractive. There doesn't have to be any intent, so don't take flirting like it was a promise of marriage.



Hector
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19 Jul 2010, 12:58 pm

KaiG wrote:
I don't know, but always assumed that it would come naturally to me. It's meant to be an unconscious thing, after all. I don't agree with setting out to flirt on purpose, it seems manipulative.

It's only manipulative insofar as appearing friendly and receptive to people you want to make friends with is manipulative. It's really a bit of a help to you and to the person who you're interested in.



hale_bopp
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19 Jul 2010, 6:46 pm

touching, giggling, hair flicking cheeky talking and talking back, girls "hitting" men weakly (the man doesn't get hurt because the woman is a weakling)

Some women do this with everyone its no wonder guys get mixed messages.



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19 Jul 2010, 8:34 pm

Absolute silence. For me, that means many things. In some situations, it is my painful way of saying that I am enamored. In other situations, it could mean .. "Go suck eggs, loser."
Sometimes finding excuses to walk by again and again and again is my version of flirting... It's not a total shock that particular strategy never worked until a couple years ago :lol:


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KaiG
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19 Jul 2010, 8:41 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
KaiG wrote:
I don't know, but always assumed that it would come naturally to me. It's meant to be an unconscious thing, after all. I don't agree with setting out to flirt on purpose, it seems manipulative.


Don't take it too seriously -- flirting is a way to gauge one's market value, regardless of whether one is actually "on the market." I get flirted with (either verbally or just through eyes and behavior) by people all the time, single or not. Everyone likes a compliment, even an unspoken one, everyone likes to know that should their relationship fall apart, others of value will be there to take up the slack, and sometimes, it's just nice to have attention from someone you find (and who finds you) attractive. There doesn't have to be any intent, so don't take flirting like it was a promise of marriage.

I meant flirting on my part. If I forced it, I would feel like I was being manipulative. Other people are free to do whatever they wish, although I'm not sure how I'd react to being flirted with. I don't think it's happened yet, but then again I didn't have any social contact with girls whatsoever until I was 16, and that was extremely cursory. I only found myself in a truly mixed-sex environment when I reached university, and by then I was painfully stunted socially.

I tried to treat girls as I would anyone else, but to tell the truth I'm a little scared of them. Thanks, single-sex education system!


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billsmithglendale
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20 Jul 2010, 10:24 am

KaiG wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
KaiG wrote:
I don't know, but always assumed that it would come naturally to me. It's meant to be an unconscious thing, after all. I don't agree with setting out to flirt on purpose, it seems manipulative.


Don't take it too seriously -- flirting is a way to gauge one's market value, regardless of whether one is actually "on the market." I get flirted with (either verbally or just through eyes and behavior) by people all the time, single or not. Everyone likes a compliment, even an unspoken one, everyone likes to know that should their relationship fall apart, others of value will be there to take up the slack, and sometimes, it's just nice to have attention from someone you find (and who finds you) attractive. There doesn't have to be any intent, so don't take flirting like it was a promise of marriage.

I meant flirting on my part. If I forced it, I would feel like I was being manipulative. Other people are free to do whatever they wish, although I'm not sure how I'd react to being flirted with. I don't think it's happened yet, but then again I didn't have any social contact with girls whatsoever until I was 16, and that was extremely cursory. I only found myself in a truly mixed-sex environment when I reached university, and by then I was painfully stunted socially.

I tried to treat girls as I would anyone else, but to tell the truth I'm a little scared of them. Thanks, single-sex education system!


I hear ya. Practice (or exposure) makes perfect. I have 2 sisters and always was in co-ed school, yet with my first GF I would get sweaty palms just holding hands with her the first couple of weeks due to nerves. There are probably some other issues at work, having to do with self-esteem, social anxiety, etc. The good news is that you can get past this and still have a happy love life. Meet as many women as possible (under positive or at least neutral conditions), and things will work themselves out.



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20 Jul 2010, 10:34 am

When I'm in a position where I should be flirting, but can't because I'm paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, I come off as shy and aloof instead.

I do not make eye contact at all, and I blush a lot. Also, I might compliment the person on the use of a big word to make contact, or laugh at everything they say without actually looking at them.

It sounds horrifying and awkward because it is ... !



billsmithglendale
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20 Jul 2010, 12:56 pm

charade wrote:
When I'm in a position where I should be flirting, but can't because I'm paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, I come off as shy and aloof instead.

I do not make eye contact at all, and I blush a lot. Also, I might compliment the person on the use of a big word to make contact, or laugh at everything they say without actually looking at them.

It sounds horrifying and awkward because it is ... !


That's social anxiety and self-esteem issues kicking in. I got it a lot when I was younger -- now that I'm older and have some experience, both good and bad, in my life, it gets easier to play the flirting thing and not blush or chicken out. I commend you for trying and working through it.



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20 Jul 2010, 12:59 pm

Hector wrote:
Some of these things indicate sexual interest (given that you are a male and assuming that the subject is a female):

* Maintaining eye contact for slightly longer periods than usual while listening in conversation. Also, smiling.
* Giving compliments, especially on looks.
* Touching - such as a light touch on the arm. There are different cultural boundaries on this sort of thing, but where I've lived (in Canada and Ireland) this is a sign.
* Just generally appearing a lot more interested in what a particular woman is doing and has to say than many of her friends, and many of your female acquaintances. Talking about her, going out of your way to speak to her, being more receptive and sympathetic. If you are aware of the amount of attention you give people and really, truly, believe that you are even-handed with your friends, then maybe this doesn't apply to you.

Sometimes people read too much into things and it's not really anything to worry about.


Ohh, so that's why that my past friend accused me of flirting?