Aspie guy and his female friends.

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Dear Aspie guys,

I am trying to get close to my love-interest, let's call him Luke. I have liked Luke for the last 10 months, and slowly he is getting comfortable with me.

I discovered that he has a lot of female friends (non-romantic) that he is comfortable with. He and a girl Lucy seem very close like they hang out quite often, but I know it is a genuine friendship.

I notice that when he is with me, he is not completely himself as he gets a little self conscious (he probably knows I like him and he is also interested in me). I am making an effort to make him as comfortable and confident as possible and I told him that he is a fascinating person to me.

Physically, we got pretty close when we were sitting, we sat so close our arms were touching each other.

I just want to ask Aspie guys, that in a mild case, is it that you feel more comfortable with female friends? Of course non-romantic. He is not gay, but he acts very feminine and soft. He also acts like a little kid when he is himself, but he is also very intelligent with his interest and very mature philosopher.

I am totally fascinated by aspie guys. I am gonna marry one for sure!!

Peace and Love

Have you tried holding his hand? That would be a major step in letting him know how you feel.

I am sure he is macho enough when it counts, but it is not something that he feels he needs to display to the world. It is the same thing with acting like a little kid. He is just being himself. Many of us are very transparent in our feelings and actions. Sometimes this confuses NTs because they expect others to hide their true thoughts and feelings.

I do think Aspies make the best mates, but we do have our downsides too. You need to remember that we don't take hints. Communications about needs, wants, and feelings has to be straight forward. Be sure you can overlook all of your potential mates shortcomings before you marry, because you don't want to change people. The behavior you see now, will probably be the same behavior you will see 50 years from now.

No such thing. IMO a 'mild' case is simply someone who does not fully comprehend how pervasively their disorder affects them. Autism is Autism, there are no mild cases or severe cases, there are only varying levels of functionality - the differences lie in how effectively a person is able to create workable coping mechanisms. Some cope so well they only seem a tad odd, others cannot cope at all, but the disorder is the same.

To answer your question, what a person prefers will likely vary depending on individual personality and life experience. A young man with little sexual or dating experience might be thrown off and made terribly self conscious by something that someone else would take in stride as a casual flirt. I can tell you that Aspergians generally speaking prefer a direct approach to hints and social dances, as we suck at reading another's intent or expectations. If you like the guy, tell him so, not effusively - if it seems overly emotional or enthusiastic it might be overwhelming or come across as insincere taunting. This revelation should also be made privately, with no pressure, so he doesn't have to react to it in front of other people and has time to process and respond without pressure.

As to sitting next to him and touching - even if he finds your proximity exciting and somewhat titillating, Autistics also generally prefer firm pressure to light touches. Light touches are a sensory annoyance, as if someone is intentionally tickling us (some actually describe the sensation as 'burning'). Hugs can feel like an intrusion into our personal space, especially from someone we don't feel especially close to, but when they are welcomed, they should be firm and full, not tentative.

I'm not clear on what you're asking about 'female friends'. Personally, I think that's a myth. Even the females I thought of as 'friends' I usually eventually slept with. I still considered them friends, but I think that "Oh, don't mind her, she's just a friend" is hokum for "Nothing's happened yet", or even "We're not discussing that because its none of your business".

But not everyone's experiences are the same, and what's true at age 18-20 tends to be quite different from what happens at 25 or 26 and things change even more between 30 and 50.



This is absolutely true - you CAN'T change people. Personalities are what they are. I believe most people are born with their personalities pretty well formed, any sculpting that can be effected has to be before age 7. After that, they are who they are and no amount of brainwashing or nagging will change that. Experience may cause changes in certain behaviors as we learn what works for us and what doesn't, but it doesn't alter the core of who a person is.

Use the way of the KISS!!


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KISS = Keep It Simple, Smarty.

Make the first move.



He's making a lot of female friends hoping that one of them might become his girlfriend , a lot of 'aspie' guys use this technique (which I personally find it a very ...very low dirty technique , but this is an another story) . Fat boys at school use the same technique , sometimes it works though.

Question : Are most of them "coincidently" pretty? If your answer is yes then you must act quickly. Regret for not trying is the worst.

Since you like him that much, and since you want him that much , then be smart and make the first move before any of his female 'friends' does: Seduce him to the max.

So yes, use the KISS technique in order to achieve the real KISS.

Well the fact he has lots of female friends suggests that he is a nice guy and that he is in touch with the female speices so that's a good start. If he is not completely himself around you this is probably a nervous reaction which suggests he likes you. No certainty on that but the evidence definitely points towards it.

As for the question you've asked us, we are all different so it's likely each response will give you a different answer. I judge everyone on their own merits and the numbers of male and female friends I have are pretty even.

Regarding this Luke guy, just roll the dice and ask him out, you've got nothing to lose. Good luck.

Sorry, but 10 months seems a very long time for him to still be more comfortable with his female friend than with you.

How long did it take him to become friends with them? Also, are you sure he's actually interested? I don't mean that as an insult to you, just that... yeesh.... 10 months... I would almost recommend breaking things off and just being a friend yourself.

edit; oh, just realised you're still friends. ok.. well, usually there has to be a 'spark' for things to work out in relationships, even for people with AS. My point unfortunately still stands; if he's not comfortable in your company after 10 months, it's unlikely that you guys are particularily compatible.

(just my own thoughts. Sorry to be defeatist; others may disagree)

be blunt and make the first move

KISS = Keep It Simple, Smarty.

Make the first move.

Great Idea. His female friends are not particularly pretty but rather overweight, really fat but with a pretty face I guess...

I don't think looks matter to aspie guys anyway. Aren't you attracted to a person with good personality, kind heart etc instead of superficial looks??

Yeah. Okay here is how the aspie guy works. We need for you to be interesting all of the time. If you are not always interesting then we will get tired of you. You need to do some tricks for us, pet us, always compliment us because we are great beings compared to the NT's. We are smart, so you need to always stimulate our minds with interesting conversation.

You must be joking....

Are we on the same L&D forum here? *checks* yeah, looks like Wrongplanet....

You should probably have a look through some of the past threads here Justagirl. Whilst I am by no means saying that all aspie guys are jerks, or even most, from the looks of things we have a similar ratio of jerkiness-to-niceness to the population as a whole. (same for the girls too, I'm not just picking on the guys).

I don't mean to offend you, but from your statement, it looks like you may have taken the view that each and every aspie guy is all sweetness and light and.. well, the human equivalent of a Care Bear...

That's just not true. People aren't all alike. People with aspergers aren't all alike either. Finding a person with aspergers is no guarantee that you've found a person who is a decent human being, so you may be needlessly narrowing your choices.



I used to date someone with a similar mindset.

Yeah, and I heard that aspies have white wings and halos....

Unless you're me, and for some reason have a romantic alter-ego that is totally NT, but your AS side always gets the best of you.