Dating someone with AS - - - Advice needed!

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I am a 23 year old woman who is currently dating someone with Asperger's. He wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago, but it was fairly obvious: obsessive interest in the biomedical world, discomfort in social situations, age-inappropriate reactions, so on and so forth. Until this point, he's really had no relationships with women. He has close relationships with a group of male friends.

Two years in, we have hit some problems that I am having difficulty to deal with. He finds physical contact with me uncomfortable, so there is none. I get concerned here because physical contact with his male friends is not an issue. He has the socio-emotional development of about an eight-year-old. Although he is very intelligent, when it comes to social situations and emotional situations, he is lost and stunted. For example, if a game is being played and he's losing, he'll start screaming and throwing things at people. When he gets angry at people for little things (a car driving too slow, etc,) he has a tendency to verbalize violence in a way that brings that biomedical obsession into play through details...honestly, this creeps me out a little, and when he does it, I sit him down and have a discussion about age-appropriate reactions to situations.

My question is for those of you who are either dating people with AS or even those of you impacted by it yourselves...are there ways of dealing with these types of situations in a relationship, or am I just trying for a lost cause here by trying to get around them?

Yeah, that sounds like stuff I used to do when I was 23. Especially throwing tantrums if I was doing poorly at bowling or couldn't get something to work properly.

Anyway, as far as that is concerned, I always tended to like calm people around me. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Don't freak out in front of him. Just be calm about your concerns.

Beaware of the things which set him off and try to avoid doing them. Make it clear to him that you dont want to do them at all due to the tantrums

I think you are just the sort of person who all the 'aspie relationship' books are aimed at, anyone of them would be very helpful to you. They all have good tips on how NT's can get their needs met by aspies and how to cope with funny 'aspie ways'.

Im not sure asking aspies would help you much as Im sure any aspie would be insulted by being called an emotional 8 year old or given lectures on 'age appropriate behaviour' as its hurtful and shame enducing.

anyway heres the best books, hope they help

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Syndro ... pd_sim_b_6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-Mu ... 167&sr=8-5

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alone-Together- ... 67&sr=8-14

and a couple of maxine ashton, I really dont like her but I think she probably is helpful for NT spouses
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Love- ... 167&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Couple ... 67&sr=8-16

Hi

I'm in pretty much the same position as you....my boyfriend has Aspergers and I don't. Like you, we find things very challenging too. The behaviour that you have described really could have been us and it is very difficult for anyone else to understand. Would love to chat sometime, you never know, we may be able to help each other!!

Roo x

He may have sensory issues. You will have to try and and work what kind of physical contact he is comfortable with and what he isn't. Also, be aware that the kind of physical contact he has with his male friends will be mostly different from the kind he will have with you.



If those are meltdowns, they could be stress related and the only way to avoid them is to have some time to himself to reduce stress levels. It's usually not the case that they happen over one specific thing even though it is triggered by one thing. It's usually the accumulation of a number things until some very small thing sets you off. When he's about to go into a meltdown, the best thing to do is for him to just leave that situation for a time-out. Other than that, they really can't be controlled. I used to have them regularly until I was 20 years old.

I've found a couple of blog posts that may be useful. The first one mainly describes meltdowns in children and the other one is continuation of the first but talks about adults. Here the links:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2007/11/aspie-meltdown-insiders-point-of-view.html

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2007/11/aspie-meltdown-insiders-point-of-view_14.html