Learning from a past event

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I did really realize this until last night when I was actually in the process of talking about it. it just came out and rung true, to me.

I got out of a short, yet amazing relationship with a girl last year. and for a lonnngggg time, I beat myself senseless over it.
she broke up with me a week after dad died....
Then I kinda realized something, Nothing was ever really wrong, she broke up with me becasue she wasnt ever sure if she liked me, and I kept showing her affection.

She continued to reach out to me as a friend, but at the time, I was too hurt and blinded to see that.
I made up reasons for why she would have done that in my head, talked with people to get their opinions. and In the end, changed for the worse.

It really offended her...

so, Ive learned a valuable lesson here.

Im not sure if that lesson is be happy with what you have [because i wasnt sure I had her friendship back then at all], or not to beat myself up.

maybe I learned a handful of things over this last year, I know I have matured since then, and I feel like today kinda of proves that.


even if it is far too late to get her friendship back.

I would say I kinda deserve the contempt.

I think the lession I'd draw is to always try to be objective.

Even though she may have been trying to reach out as a friend, she did still dump you. It's quite normal to still be hurt and not want to be friends with someone after a break up- in fact, it can be a worse mistake trying to immediately become friends afterwards before the feelings have had a chance to settle.

What I learned from my past relationship is that women truly can't love me. They can try to (my ex certainly gave it her best shot), but women just can't tolerate being closer than arms length...

perhaps. but mine didnt settle for a long time.

That's normal too. Honestly. Especially if she was your first serious relationship, it can take anything up to a year to get over completely.

not entirely.
I was in longer relationships and when we broke up it didnt hurt as much

this person I had devolped serious emotions for tho...which is scary odd.

That is cold, cold, cold of her. She's trying to have it both ways, rejecting you yet wanting to remain friends, so she can salve her own conscience, and reassure herself that she isn't completely shallow and awful for A)Rejecting your kind affection and B) Dumping you at your moment of greatest vulnerability.

You were in a place when you needed a friend most, and what did the b*tch do? She ran.

I say don't feel contempt for yourself. You did nothing wrong, and I say to hell with her!

I wanted to feel that way too. for a long time. and admittedly for a short period of time I did feel that way.

fact is, she probably wanted to mention that I was being overaffectionate or even break up because it was so new or forign to her before dad died. However, after he died, she didnt want to be cold, and probably beat herself up about it perhaps just as much as I did.

but due to the leaving me during my vunurablity, I couldnt see that she still wanted to be friends, s**t, we could have even had another go, But because I was so hurt by dad and by her, I couldnt see that.

Something that still is really sad, Is even though i let it go, I would still do anything to mend even the slightest of friendships. Because she is and was important to me.

trust me, you have a valid input here being i felt the same for a period of time. but Im not too sure that is the case.

wait, was it her dad that died or yours? Sorry, I misread the first time

If it was your dad, jeez... no wonder you may have acted badly. I'm sure if she's mature at all she'll understand.

Bad timing on the break up alright, but I don't think it's fair for random people on the internet to start hurling insults and names when we don't know what's going on and what her side of the story is.

my dad. not hers.

Well, it isnt fair, but it does look bad sometimes.

like i said. I dont hink she ever meant to be cold, she just probably wanted to seperate before, because I was being affectionate and it was odd to her perhaps.

the responce ive gotten from her and her friends is that I apparently am a prick. I tried for a long time to get her back [not just as a friend], and bought her outrageously expensive things, even offered to get her a backstage pass in comic con. unfortunatly, she felt like now I was trying to force my conversation instead of just talk. and she became really reclusive.

I asked handfuls of people why she dumped me, and how i could get her back, and never really understood that she wanted to be friends still. [i thought she wanted me to piss off].

after a long time, she got kind of angry at me, because I apparently asked someone who sorta kinda knew her if they thought she was afraid of me for whatever reason, [dramadramadramadrama ewwwww], and he straight up went to her and asked.
totally got a really cold and angry responce, that apparently that was a dick move.

hey, to justify, I thought she was, because I couldnt explain why she wanted me so far away when we were so close.

So I asked her to cut all contact with me, probably for her best and mine, so she did, and I havent heard from her since. [all i know is she is not happy with me at all]

I never did anything wrong in the relation ship but i ruined what we had as friends and potentially eventual lover again by not thinking objectivly and thinking I had to have done something wrong. the blame had to be on someone. I mean, after my dad died, she became my crusade if you will...perhaps subcontiously because dad died i felt i needed to gain that back.

I let it go for the most part.
But it bothers me that after all of this, I cant shake how awesome she is, how smart she is, and how I still love her. In the worst way.

Oh dear Yeah, having been on the receiving end of a creepy ex boyfriend (not saying you were one, just that she and her friends may have thought that), I can see her side of things, but I do feel sorry for you, especially about your dad too. It's also a bit strange that she didn't cop on after the expensive gifts. Or was that when she started avoiding you?

If you still think of her as a 'potential eventual lover' even after all this, then I would recommend not contacting her again. It still doesn't sound like you are ready to be 'just friends' so it's probably best to leave it be. If hating her helps, then fire ahead; it won't harm her and may help you.

Also, you might have gotten her mixed up with your dad a bit in that you may be thinking you're mourning her when in fact it's your dad that you're missing. Honestly, give it time and distract yourself as best you can from thinking about her. If you've friends, get together with them and do things. One day you'll wake up and realise she's not the main thing on your mind and it gets easier from then on.

Last edited by Lene on 17 Jul 2010, 7:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your self-pity runs like clockwork. Does it ever get boring?

I learned early on that if you do nice things for a girl and you are not paying her to bang you, then it is for naught. She will see you as someone she can use for favors.

During my average frustrated chump days, the hardest rejection I ever had was this one girl who rejected me by asking for another guy's phone number!

I beat myself up over that for over a year. Just like a certain Amphibian made from metal does...

Ironically enough, the first working girl I was ever with looked a lot like her, it was very liberating. I never looked back at "unpaid" relationships ever again.

You should try it Toad. You just might like it. But then being free is scary, since you'll have to figure out what to do with yourself.

yeah, some of her friends find me creepy. most of them actually never met me.

i know you dont mean to call me creepy, i understand. well, after my dad died, and she left me, that same day, we all moved out for summer.
so she went home, and sent me an email...then [as far as i know] she claims to have not recieved my responce, or any of my texts. and i saw that as avoiding me, when in actuality, she just is kind of reclusive and doesnt really like to hang.

the gifts were given in person with very brief talks, and she was kind of abbrasive, but she thanked me and said it was sweet nonetheless.

about then i think the avoiding started. because man, i do feel like i was kind of taking it too far with some of the gifts. I also sent her messages and tried to talk about it, and couldnt see that she was being honest...so i kept doing things like asking what i did, or asking the same questions like how was her day ectect.

she isnt a materialistic girl, I was suprised too. But i think she sorta already was at a certain level avoiding me by then. or maybe not, and i was just seeing like that? I really dont know.

those last two statements are very true,
Part of the problem, as when dad died, he was probably the most important to me seeing as he helped me the most thru my life. I guess all of that fell on her next...which probably was just another catalyst to all of this.

sometimes yeah, i want to hate her, but i cant. the best i can do is just feel like i f****d up and to move on.
no, I dont see her as being that way anymore. no way in hell that one could work after all of this happened. s**t, even a friendship would be [from what ive heard from others, impossible], very hard.

my friends as of right now are hundreds of miles away and i live alone. So what i have been doing is trying to meet new people

but somehow, whenever im alone, or thinking, somehow she comes back into my head.

so yeah. creepy to some degree, but maybe not the level i had first suspected to be at.


really thanks for your input, im glad you can sorta understand whats going on here....even if i have a skewed side of the story, i only wish i knew hers.

being just around as a friend with her would be nice.

totally had that happen to me before too.

oh and keep in mind lene, I have had a few months alone to myself to just think, and really i believe she was trying. even if i was akward as s**t about it

Maybe you could drop her a line and see how she's doing.... Even if it's just a short-term solution for the loneliness until you make more friends in your new town, it might be helpful and give you closure.

There is a risk though that you may find yourself prolonging the heartbreak and unable to move on. Also, she may want to move on with her own life as well and you may just be rejected again. I personally would advise not contacting her again, but that's just me.

[edited; removed some stuff. sounded a bit patronising, sorry-]