How do Aspies pair up?

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Being a socially-challenged male, the concept of how people pair up to form sexual relationships escapes me. It mystifies me even more when I read on this forum (and elsewhere) that Aspies, autistics and other socially-challenged people pair off. Even some of them are married and have kids. How is this possible? I understand that as a male I probably should take the iniative and approach a woman but I do not do this for several reasons. I prefer to wait to see if a woman comes to me, then I will know for a fact that someone likes me and a relationship may work. So I kind of wonder what the modus apparendi is for how Aspie relationships form. Do the men seek the women or is it the other way around? Is there perhaps pity involved here? I would greatly appreciate any thoughts. -Nick-

I think it all came together when I realized that if I didn't make some sort of effort, I may be alone forever, or for longer than I needed to be. That was when I started to take risks. I guess I just realized that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I seem to have had some success at this, so I'll chime in with a few thoughts.

I think (maybe) the older you get the more impossible this seems to be. First off, as "weird" as I come across being, I instinctively made sure that somehow, somewhere I was able to procure some kind of relationship with the opposite sex. What's REALLY bad is when even the "weird" girls reject you, so for a long time my situation seemed quite hopeless.

And then I started dating this girl who'd actually never had a boyfriend before, never been kissed, etc. And things went REALLY well for a long time. Now, granted, I have faults of my own. But the main thing that killed the relationship was that we were both mutually co-dependent. Trust me, you DON'T want to be there, because it feels like you depend upon your mate for the very air you breathe. Not fun. We were very close to getting married, and the last fight we had (I don't even remember what it was about) was all I could take. I knew SOMEONE else ought there cared about me, and I decided that even if things didn't work out with someone else, living the rest of my life alone was better than what I was about to get into.

It was the first time I remember ever breaking up with a girl. But it certainly made all the difference.

When you're in college, it's not quite so bad. Depending on your interests, there are bound to be situations in which you find yourself spending a lot of time with the same core group of people. In that situation, it isn't difficult to find someone to pair up with. I was a music major, so I can tell you from experience that college musicians, because they spend so much time isolated in the music school, often pair up. That's how I met my wife--through a band-related activity even though she wasn't a music major. Those circumstances which threw us together were unique, and I don't recommend anyone trying to go that route (I somewhat stole her from an abusive bf).

When I moved to a different school for my master's degree, I fell under the spell of a charming young redhead library assistant. It was fun while it lasted, but it was also ill-fated from the start, we both knew it, and we were content to just be friends after that.

My next love interest was a cute little girl with albinism who was the piano accompanist for many of my friends in the clarinet studio and was IMMEDIATELY fascinated. After I saw her for a week or so, I started volunteering to be her page-turner. We hit it off immediately and had a wonderful relationship for the rest of my time at that school. I knew that trying to stay with her after was not really in my best interest or hers, and we were both very sad when that relationship ended. But I think she's really better off with someone else. It's a hard thing to admit, but I believe it's true.

So I went back to the girl I left behind and we eventually got married and had two beautiful children. And when I figured my dating days were over, this funny incident happened that my wife STILL likes to pick on me about. The year I changed jobs and moved where I am now, I got heavily involved in the local community theater. I met this girl, who was, I dunno, maybe 15 at the time who consistently acted in every production she was allowed to. I thought she was sweet, attractive, but due to an obvious age difference the idea of dating her never entered my mind. She probably had that "creepy old dude" idea about me, anyway, so there was obviously no chance of chemistry ever happening anyway.

So time passes, and 5 years later we're acting in a production together. And coincidently, I played the part of an experienced, older man, while she had the role of my much younger love interest. So what we eventually started doing to get over all the "weirdness" of our on-stage relationship was developing a very limited off-stage presence, which included the occasional light make-out sessions. I'm not going to say it wasn't fun, but even worse was coming home and catching "that look" from my wife, who had this whole smug look on her face right before she started giving me a hard time about what I was doing with my "girlfriend."

The whole point of that story is escaping from the "institution" doesn't mean that your opportunity to meet people is over. It's entirely possible had I not been married or committed to anyone that the off-stage chemistry might have developed into something else. And considering the type of person who spends a lot of time volunteering at the theater, you shouldn't be surprised that the right one for you might just "breeze in" one night.

The ONE thing I've never been successful at doing is "pairing off" with someone I met at church. The weird thing about church girls (for me) is that they are WAY too young to be appropriate dating material. The reason why is that they grow up, go off to college, and you never see them again. Even if you go to a "singles" Sunday School class, how normal does it seem to ask a girl what she's doing after church? "You're going WHERE for brunch? Hey! Me, too! Maybe we can get a table together, what do you think?"

Yeah.

It's MORE likely that any girl who even bothers with church activity is PROBABLY going to bring her boyfriend with her, whether he follows her zeal for it or not. And if she already has plans for Sunday brunch, it's most likely those plans didn't even include the possibility of YOU.

I've seen it happen. Like when our children and preschool minister suddenly announced she was engaged to the pastor's brother and no one else even had a clue they were even dating. It DOES happen, but it's not something I'd place MY money on. It also depends on if you're the church-going type.

But yeah, there are ways to meet someone of the opposite sex. Networking with those in a similar occupation in your area (workplace dating can sometimes be highly discouraged--McDonald's is NOT a good place to date your co-worker. They WILL ask one of you to leave. Seen that happen, too) is a possibility. Working in volunteer or non-profit organizations is a GREAT possibility. Church is good if you can make that work.

Aspie/Aspie relationships in my opinion seem to be tricky. It seems to me that online resources are the best way to go. I'm interested in knowing how many, if any, relationships got started in WP.

Well my penny's worth.

I think that the autism spectrum is a complex one with more than one axis. I think that some combinations on the different axis will be predisposed to like each other and get on well.

When you meet someone who thinks the same way as you, shares some interests with you, treats you with respect and if your lucky makes you "laugh like a drain" then count yourself lucky.

Good response AngelRho.

I love the story of how my parents hooked up. My dad is not Aspie but gifted and quiet. My mom totally stole him from someone. She did her homework and asked around for info before taking action. She found out he knew ballroom dancing. He did not ask her to the dance but was there anyway. Her date was not much of a dancer and when it was ladies choice, she went and asked him for a dance. Being a gentlemen, he couldn't refuse. I could go on but to make it short my mom is a strong minded woman and my dad liked that cause where he came from the women were weak, I found out. So, I take that lesson and will definitely go after a male if I feel inclined to do so.

I'd say that the internet tends to be a big factor here. I met three out of the four guys I've been intimate with (irl) on the internet. I would say that aspies and otherwise socially challenged people are far more likely to have relationship now that the internet is such a major factor in modern life.
My father is almost definitely on the spectrum himself and my mother is a socially awkward NT. They managed to get together in 1975 when the internet didn't exist outside of labs. They met through an organization called Dinner Parties Unlimited, which consisted of meetups in the form of dinner parties for people who were single and looking to find others who were also single and looking. When my parents met, my mother was 29, and my father was 42. They married in 1978, and they're still together now. Organizations such as the one my parents met through are pretty much obsolete now that the internet is so prevalent.
My point is, there are resources for those of us who are less socially able, and there have been for some time. With the internet, and all the social networking and dating sites it has to offer, it's really not all that difficult to meet people. As for making a relationship last, finding someone who won't back out the second a relationship becomes more challenging to maintain, that's a whole other story. My parents managed to do it; I have not figured it out yet. If I ever solve that particular riddle, I'll be sure to let others in on it here. At this point, I have nothing else to contribute to this discussion.