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How should I tell him?

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Erisad
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09 Aug 2010, 3:15 pm

Okay, I signed up for an OkCupid account a week ago. I found this guy and we're really hitting it off. He asks me out and we arrange a date for on a Thursday once I'm back at school. He doesn't know I'm an Aspie yet. Should I tell him? If so, when? I don't think it needs to be brought up on the first date does it? And my friends will be there too so what if one of them mentions it to him? I'm probably worrying too much. Either way, opinions please! D:



Ichinin
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09 Aug 2010, 3:30 pm

Just tell him, just don't make a big thing out of it, something like "(bla blah bla), oh, btw, i have Autism".

If he is a douche-bag, he will act accordingly. If not, things can go well.


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Erisad
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09 Aug 2010, 3:32 pm

Ichinin wrote:
Just tell him, just don't make a big thing out of it, something like "(bla blah bla), oh, btw, i have Autism".

If he is a douche-bag, he will act accordingly. If not, things can go well.


I figured that would probably have been the best way to go about it. I just wanted to see how others may have handled it.

He doesn't seem like a douche. Although I've only talked to him through texts and online messages.



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09 Aug 2010, 3:47 pm

I wouldn't mention it if I were you. He probably thinks you're easy to begin with since you're on a dating site...and if you tell him he'll likely think he can take advantage of you.



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09 Aug 2010, 3:52 pm

Yeah, don't mention it online, he'll likely leap to the conclusion that you're a drooling imbecile, since most people think Autism is retardation.

But in person, it might make you more comfortable to just say "If I seem kind of awkward, uncomfortable or weird, that's normal for me - I have a form of High Functioning Autism".


Don't use the words Asperger Syndrome unless you pronounce it correctly, or all he will hear is ASS BURGERS, and that sounds wholly unappealing.



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09 Aug 2010, 3:53 pm

I wouldn't bother mentioning it unless asked.


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Willard
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09 Aug 2010, 4:12 pm

Pistonhead wrote:
I wouldn't bother mentioning it unless asked.



The effects on a relationship will be the same either way. How others handle those effects can vary considerably depending on whether or not they understand what's causing them.



Erisad
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09 Aug 2010, 4:26 pm

Willard wrote:
Yeah, don't mention it online, he'll likely leap to the conclusion that you're a drooling imbecile, since most people think Autism is retardation.

But in person, it might make you more comfortable to just say "If I seem kind of awkward, uncomfortable or weird, that's normal for me - I have a form of High Functioning Autism".


Don't use the words Asperger Syndrome unless you pronounce it correctly, or all he will hear is ASS BURGERS, and that sounds wholly unappealing.


Yeah, I made that mistake with my first boyfriend. Told him, he thought I was a ret*d and treated me like s**t ever since, which is why I want to make sure I go about it the right way. D:



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09 Aug 2010, 4:30 pm

Willard wrote:
But in person, it might make you more comfortable to just say "If I seem kind of awkward, uncomfortable or weird, that's normal for me - I have a form of High Functioning Autism".


Don't use the words Asperger Syndrome unless you pronounce it correctly, or all he will hear is ASS BURGERS, and that sounds wholly unappealing.



I want to put just a teensy spin on this and suggest: "If I seem kind of awkward, uncomfortable or weird, don't take it personally. That's normal for me. It's just the way I'm wired."

I wouldn't use "autism" or "aspergers" on a first date unless he pushes for details on this "wiring". The main thing you want to convey is that the behaviours that might seem rejecting of him (like not responding to his body language the way he expects) are just how you are. You don't want him to think "she really doesn't like me at all- she won't even look at me" when you think no such thing. "Awkward" is generic enough to cover all sorts of missed social signals while not making him think of the last Autism Speaks ad he saw.

I would save the actual terms "autism/aspergers" for a second or third date (if there is one) and stick with generic "awkward because that's just the way I am- it's not you". If you are going to be awkward (and perhaps you are), you want him to think "she's a little awkward" not "things were a little awkward between us- I guess this can't work out". Some guys can't deal with weird and awkward. Some guys find it endearing or even that it means you'll cut their own quirks some slack. But I would keep it generic at first.



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09 Aug 2010, 4:34 pm

Janissy wrote:
I want to put just a teensy spin on this and suggest: "If I seem kind of awkward, uncomfortable or weird, don't take it personally. That's normal for me. It's just the way I'm wired."

I wouldn't use "autism" or "aspergers" on a first date unless he pushes for details on this "wiring". The main thing you want to convey is that the behaviours that might seem rejecting of him (like not responding to his body language the way he expects) are just how you are. You don't want him to think "she really doesn't like me at all- she won't even look at me" when you think no such thing. "Awkward" is generic enough to cover all sorts of missed social signals while not making him think of the last Autism Speaks ad he saw.

I would save the actual terms "autism/aspergers" for a second or third date (if there is one) and stick with generic "awkward because that's just the way I am- it's not you". If you are going to be awkward (and perhaps you are), you want him to think "she's a little awkward" not "things were a little awkward between us- I guess this can't work out". Some guys can't deal with weird and awkward. Some guys find it endearing or even that it means you'll cut their own quirks some slack. But I would keep it generic at first.


Oh okay, that makes sense. ^_^

I just want this to go well so I can finally be over my ex and have a real reason why he should stop texting me for booty calls. Not like I have obliged him since our split or anything. I feel like this can be a milestone for me to be able to move on.



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09 Aug 2010, 4:36 pm

You could ask your friends not to say anything about it and let them know that you'd prefer to do it yourself.



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09 Aug 2010, 4:48 pm

happymusic wrote:
You could ask your friends not to say anything about it and let them know that you'd prefer to do it yourself.


I'd probably end up doing that anyway. Even though it's a relatively large group that I won't know who all will be there until the night of. I'm taking him to a Renaissance Club meeting (we're both Rennies) and we'll be heading to "the bar" where a smaller group of my friends and I usually hang out after meetings. I figured since we'd all have common ground of being Rennies, it wouldn't be as awkward for him. He said that he wouldn't mind if I had people with me, since he figured I would be nervous with my first online dating experience. He's a Scorpio and I'm a Cancer, we have similar interests (Renaissance faires, anime, videogames, etc) so I think that we could at least be friends, if not more. :)



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09 Aug 2010, 4:54 pm

Erisad wrote:
happymusic wrote:
You could ask your friends not to say anything about it and let them know that you'd prefer to do it yourself.


I'd probably end up doing that anyway. Even though it's a relatively large group that I won't know who all will be there until the night of. I'm taking him to a Renaissance Club meeting (we're both Rennies) and we'll be heading to "the bar" where a smaller group of my friends and I usually hang out after meetings. I figured since we'd all have common ground of being Rennies, it wouldn't be as awkward for him. He said that he wouldn't mind if I had people with me, since he figured I would be nervous with my first online dating experience. He's a Scorpio and I'm a Cancer, we have similar interests (Renaissance faires, anime, videogames, etc) so I think that we could at least be friends, if not more. :)

he is probably an aspie then too! lol



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09 Aug 2010, 4:57 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
he is probably an aspie then too! lol


If so, he's doing well for himself. He's a manager of the deli section at a grocery store, he wants to go to school for computers and get into that field and owns a condo at age 25. Might not be the most impressive lifestyle but at least he gets to choose when he has days off to come and see me. ^_^



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09 Aug 2010, 5:09 pm

Erisad wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
he is probably an aspie then too! lol


If so, he's doing well for himself. He's a manager of the deli section at a grocery store, he wants to go to school for computers and get into that field and owns a condo at age 25. Might not be the most impressive lifestyle but at least he gets to choose when he has days off to come and see me. ^_^

Lots of aspies get good jobs.

At least sharing interests you have common ground and a good bet that he at least will probably share some AS traits. I hope it goes well!



Erisad
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09 Aug 2010, 5:15 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
Erisad wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
he is probably an aspie then too! lol


If so, he's doing well for himself. He's a manager of the deli section at a grocery store, he wants to go to school for computers and get into that field and owns a condo at age 25. Might not be the most impressive lifestyle but at least he gets to choose when he has days off to come and see me. ^_^

Lots of aspies get good jobs.

At least sharing interests you have common ground and a good bet that he at least will probably share some AS traits. I hope it goes well!


Yeah. It just hasn't happened for me yet but I'll change that once I graduate next spring. Anything is better than working at McDonald's. D: