I don't understand romantic interactions

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I have never been in a relationship, never had sex, kissed twice.

As a teenagers, two boys had asked me out, another one and a girl declared their feelings for me but I was not interested (except for one of them but he was a nerd like me and people bullied us so nothing happened).
Last year, I was strongly attracted to a woman I met in my class but thought I would be over it in a month by knowing her. I eventually became attracted to both her physical appearance and personality but grew out of it in a year. She is still one my best friends and a highly intelligent person (she still had an ideal personality to me which makes our friendship even better).

In November, a man flirted with me I had no clue until he asked me whether I had a boyfriend or not. His speech was both about seeking a serious relationship and marrying and sex. I tend to think most people are lying and I am not romantic at all, I do seek serious relationship but not marriage or lifelong lover. I guess he was attracted to me and wanted mostly to start a relationship in order to have sex, I do not believe in love at first sight.

I was not attracted to him (mostly because intelligence is a huge turn on for me and he did not show great intelligence, I did not like his clothes either and he smoked) yet I thought I should try to know him better before making a judgement.

He kissed me once, I did not even realize it was about to happen while he said "so, if I was to kiss you, it would be your first kiss ?" (but I did not think he would do it after a 5 minutes talk) and even worse : I did not react, I did not know what to do or how to kiss though everyone seems to think it happens naturally and do not need any "learning".
I had realized sooner that I did not really know how to kiss because I felt the need to kiss my friend and could not figure out the right movements in my mind (how to come closer, etc).
I can kiss on the cheeks because it was a tradition before going to sleep when I was a child, that's all.

The second time he kissed me, I did not see that he was about to do it either and reacted slowly.

I do not know what flirting mean, I do not see it when someone flirts with me unless it is obvious, I do not see those "boys who are into me" that everyone seems to see, I am totally clueless and I start to believe I will never be able to have a real relationship because I will not be a fast learner.

I am sure you cannot help me but really needed to talk about it because my friends tease me about that, they do not understand and say I am just stupid.

that guy sounds like a creepy jerk, dont let him kiss you again.

Its not appropriate for people to kiss you when they first meet you, if a guy tries to do that, move away from him to a public place. It is a sign he is not a good guy, but a bad guy trying to take advantage of someone he views as vulnerable.

Its really important to recognise boundaries of your body and what is ok for someone to do and what is not ok. Thats the most imortant thing before you even think of relationships.

this book might have useful info for you
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Sense-Se ... 043&sr=1-1

Yeah, you're a girl and you can afford to be a little picky and not date smokers. There are plenty of guys out there that don't smoke.

So you first need to ask yourself if you truly want a relationship. Regarding your interest in another girl, was it because you wanted her romantically or because you simply envied her because of her looks and personality? You need to separate your feelings: Lust, envy, love, jealousy. Make sure you know which one is at work.

Regarding the guy, if you don't want to be married why do you want to fool around with him. Are you just wanting sex or to have him buy you things. Or maybe you are asexual and only desire companionship. If so, would you be OK with him seeing other women to satisfy his needs?

Regarding asexuality, if you think its a possibility, you could either be a later bloomer or a real asexual. You need to figure out which.

Many people kiss when they first meet or have one night stand I do not find that to be abnormal as long as it does not make the person unhappy. I do not really care about kissing, it is a good way of knowing whether you are truly attracted to someone or not by the way. I have not seen him again for the reasons I mentioned : he was a smoker (and the taste is disgusting) and I did not like his personality or the way he talked (it was not coherent and I assume that the fact that I did not have any boyfriend before made him believe I was rather naive but I am in fact quite realistic).

And I could have slapped him or reject him if I had really wanted this, and he did not try anything else.

The real problem for me was not the kiss but the fact that I am totally oblivious when it comes to romantic interaction and do not know how to act, it is not natural for me.

But thank you for the book I did not know such things existed (well, I owned some books about sex and puberty when I was growing up but I am surprised to find some that are aimed at people with a disorder).
I know everything about puberty, I am well informed when it comes to STDs, pregnancy, I know how dating seems to work for many people but cannot seem to do this naturally.
I found extracts of the books on googlebooks, the title seems to indicate that there is something more in this teaching than in the usual books but for now I've only read facts I already knew about having a proper behaviour, mood swings, and all so it's confusing, what else can be find in it ?

I am not asexual since I feel sexual desire for both men and women. However, I do not know whether I am homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. Most people do not believe in bisexuality which is very confusing.
I was not jaleous and am rarely jaleous of anyone (it is very strange). I was strongly attracted to her, there was no way to deny it since there was physical signs of sexual desire. I was also attracted to a boy who was in my class this year though I did not fell "in love" with him.
I mostly want a serious relationship (sexual and romantic) but I don't believe in lifelong love since most of the time we also fall "out of love" but I could be wrong.

However, it is true that I am not attracted by a lot of people and cannot stand "dumb people".

By the way, I find other relationships to be confusing and had to read a lot about friendship and the many ways to define it to understand truly who could be called "a friend" and who couldn't.
I still don't act "properly" with people according to my family as most people find me arrogant because of the way I talk and the things I talk about.

Last edited by lostD on 21 Aug 2010, 3:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I found the dateing videos on video jug extremely useful as they showed the faces people make (and often exagerated so extra easy to spot) and why they do it and what they are doing, where as with books its harder as you cant see what the author means by certain gestures. Ive watched so many of these as they are very moreish

http://www.videojug.com/tag/dating

It really sounds like you are bisexual whether you believe in it or not. Some people have romantic desires for one gender and envy for another. That's not bisexual. But in your case, you seem to have romantic attractions to both genders, so I think you are a certified bisexual.

Thank you, lotusblossom, for the videos.

The truth is : I understand social interaction in theory, I know how they work, I have read a lot and observed people but when I have to interact socially, I cannot seem to anything properly.

People find me arrogant or absorbed by my own interests (except for my friends but they tend to like the same things), others find me totally weird or think I have psychologic issues.

I have problems with gestures : I don't really know how to hug or what is a "friendly gesture", I feel nothing when I do this by the way, it is just uncomfortable and strange. I don't know how to make friends nor how did I succeed in making friends though I am improving.

When it comes to romantic situations, it's even worse. I cannot figure out people's intention. I used to think they were honest, at least when they tell you you are their friends, but some used me in order to have good grades, other told me later they just hated me for no reasons, and I had a mythomanic friend, so I tend not to believe people now. Especially when it comes to love, first because I do not believe at all in lifelong love and think most young adult are not seeking this (especially when they are talking to someone who has no experience), at least it did not seem logical in that situation.

I did not think it would be this bad, I mean, I thought I would be able to tell if someone was about to kiss me but I cannot. I believed my best friend when she told me kissing was instinctive, natural and it was not.

The only thing I can think about now is : what if I was to find someone attractive who is attracted to me and we start a relationship ? I don't feel comfortable with telling my feelings, I can't make the "first step" and though sex is instictive and natural, I will probably need to learn what I have to do. I feel terrible for that, no one around me has this problem, even the late bloomers found it easy to start a relationship and I am totally awkward.