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ELLCIM
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24 Apr 2006, 10:17 am

I mentioned in another thread some time ago that I believed in educating young people (particularly women) on how to avoid relationship abuse (something that some of us didn't want to hear about). I finally remembered the name of an Emmy Award-winning program that aired on CBS in 1991 and that I saw in school as part of the school system's program to educate young people on avoiding abuse.

The program is called But He Loves Me, and it was a real wake-up call for me when I first viewed it in 2000. Before that, I was like everyone else and believed that violence against women is unpreventable on the women's side, and that the only solution is jailing the male aggressors. But the movie showed that the young woman, who was 16 years old and inexperienced, thought her boyfriend was perfect and refused to see his dark side of possessiveness and jealousy, which was plainly visible the first minute they met. The girl was even warned about him by another girl who had been abused by him!

There isn't much on this made-for-TV movie on the Internet, but one website does provide a brief synoposis - http://www.clearvue.com/video/productDe ... wordID=117

If you can locate a copy of this movie, watch it. And I am using the word "movie" rather liberally, as it is more of an educational school video more than anything - CBS even aired it originally as a "Schoolbreak Special", perhaps designed as a cable-in-the-classroom type service for educators.

When I have time soon, I will contact some PBS member stations throughout the States, as well as Ontario's TVO and Quebec's Canal Savoir, and encourage them all to buy the rights. It has been 15 years and I think the program's important message has been lost in an increasingly feminist man-hating age.



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24 Apr 2006, 12:09 pm

Sounds like a much needed film! Thanks for the info.



walk-in-the-rain
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24 Apr 2006, 4:43 pm

I think this can be particularly important for Aspie girls because lack of reading of social skills can effect how some might miss even obvious clues about men or boys to avoid. Also - include the pressure on them to to be like everyone else and date and that can result in the potential for Aspie girls to be "chosen" by guys who can see the advantages of their naivety. A girl with AS might also be more inclined to tolerate bad behavior also if she thinks that is what a relationship is supposed to be like - and has been treated badly in school by NT's anyway. It's not even a matter of intelligence - which is why some people get so defensive about these topics - it is about being able to read social clues and cues. Someone with AS is at a disadvantage for that to begin with, especially considering that NT girls fall for this stuff too.



larsenjw92286
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24 Apr 2006, 5:15 pm

That is simply a reminder that you can't judge a book by its cover.


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ELLCIM
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24 Apr 2006, 5:26 pm

walk-in-the-rain wrote:
I think this can be particularly important for Aspie girls because lack of reading of social skills can effect how some might miss even obvious clues about men or boys to avoid. Also - include the pressure on them to to be like everyone else and date and that can result in the potential for Aspie girls to be "chosen" by guys who can see the advantages of their naivety. A girl with AS might also be more inclined to tolerate bad behavior also if she thinks that is what a relationship is supposed to be like - and has been treated badly in school by NT's anyway. It's not even a matter of intelligence - which is why some people get so defensive about these topics - it is about being able to read social clues and cues. Someone with AS is at a disadvantage for that to begin with, especially considering that NT girls fall for this stuff too.


Some NT girls are very defensive about it too. Probably for arbitrary reasons though - they never have any evidence to back up their points.



walk-in-the-rain
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24 Apr 2006, 5:44 pm

ELLCIM wrote:
walk-in-the-rain wrote:
I think this can be particularly important for Aspie girls because lack of reading of social skills can effect how some might miss even obvious clues about men or boys to avoid. Also - include the pressure on them to to be like everyone else and date and that can result in the potential for Aspie girls to be "chosen" by guys who can see the advantages of their naivety. A girl with AS might also be more inclined to tolerate bad behavior also if she thinks that is what a relationship is supposed to be like - and has been treated badly in school by NT's anyway. It's not even a matter of intelligence - which is why some people get so defensive about these topics - it is about being able to read social clues and cues. Someone with AS is at a disadvantage for that to begin with, especially considering that NT girls fall for this stuff too.


Some NT girls are very defensive about it too. Probably for arbitrary reasons though - they never have any evidence to back up their points.


It is a sensitive subject because it often turns into the blame game with some people saying it's the men (or women) who are at fault. Trying to educate people to protect themselves isn't the same as making excuses for domestic violence. It may help people be more pro-active and hopefully avoid these kinds of situations.



ELLCIM
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25 Apr 2006, 7:11 pm

walk-in-the-rain wrote:
It is a sensitive subject because it often turns into the blame game with some people saying it's the men (or women) who are at fault. Trying to educate people to protect themselves isn't the same as making excuses for domestic violence. It may help people be more pro-active and hopefully avoid these kinds of situations.


Yeah, but I mentioned educating people once and I got clobbered. I guess being pro-active is something that offends some people. The instant you mention anything to do with women protecting themselves, they think you're blaming them 100% for the things that happen to them. But we as a society can't just sit back and watch woman after woman get beat up by male partners (or even get killed) and just keep handing out prison sentences. It happens over and over, and the rate of violence is not going down at all. Some guys have gotten the message and they march alongside women in marches against such violence.

But, all we are doing as a society is blaming men, handing out prison sentences, and giving women zero tools to protect themselves, because it is apparently "sexist" to suggest that they have any responsibility whatsoever to protect themselves. Picking a guy to date that has a clear history of violence, including against other women, is a sure sign that the guy is trouble. I don't care if there's "chemistry".

We have become highly focused on helping women who are in abusive relationships to get out of the relationship (absolutely a vital thing), but we are doing absolutely nothing to prevent violence from happening in the first place. Telling men that it is not okay to abuse women can only go so far. Likewise telling people that it is not okay to rob a store at gunpoint can only go so far - it still happens. Solutions are developed to help combat the latter problem, including store security cameras, automatic locks on doors, bars on windows, and so forth. In the city I live in, gas station robberies have become a very rare occurence, because of the massive security measures implemented by gas station owners. (I have been told this by multiple gas station managers who I have contact with.)

But what do women do to protect themselves from another type of aggressor? Nothing. Choosing the guy with a history of violence (like Charlie in But He Loves Me), particularly those with criminal records is not protecting oneself from violence.

There is no deterrance in place for men, and unless forced castration became legal, there will be no deterrance for certain men not to commit such acts. They are slaves to testosterone, and they express themselves through anger. I admit it; I'm a male.

So, what are we as a society going to do about this?



CockneyRebel
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25 Apr 2006, 8:37 pm

I think that show can be an Eye-opener for all Young Women.



ELLCIM
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25 Apr 2006, 9:07 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I think that show can be an Eye-opener for all Young Women.


Have you watched it? I'd be interested to see if anyone else has seen it.



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26 Apr 2006, 10:56 am

What channel is it on?



ELLCIM
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26 Apr 2006, 3:01 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
What channel is it on?


The only time I have ever heard of it airing was on CBS, back in 1991. However once I'm through some stuff over the next few days I'll be contacting WGBH in Boston, one of the chief PBS stations in the nation, as well as TVOntario.



noodle
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06 May 2006, 1:33 am

I think a big part of abusive relationships has to do with the psychological manipulation that makes the abused person feel powerless or not believe that something is wrong. Thats the whole point of educational programs like you wrote about. I think it's true that aspie girls are more vulnerable to guys who take advantage of them, but so are all young girls and women without a clear sense of how messed up people can be (even if they seem nice)



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06 May 2006, 7:18 am

noodle wrote:
I think a big part of abusive relationships has to do with the psychological manipulation that makes the abused person feel powerless or not believe that something is wrong. Thats the whole point of educational programs like you wrote about. I think it's true that aspie girls are more vulnerable to guys who take advantage of them, but so are all young girls and women without a clear sense of how messed up people can be (even if they seem nice)



BTDT got the PTSD to prove it. :(



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07 May 2006, 3:24 am

I want to watch it, but I don't want to pay for it.



TheBladeRoden
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07 May 2006, 2:56 pm

It's all part of the "Girls like the jerks" syndrome.


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TheOrangeMage
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07 May 2006, 5:26 pm

(NOTE: My own commentary is within parentheses. It is NOT THERE TO BE RACIST. It is there because this happens like every other week with very similar circumstances.)

Just tonight in my area, some white (trash) woman (named Bobbi) was shot to death by her (black) boyfriend. It's a sad and infuriating thing to know there are people trapped like this who meet such a fate. :(