Give examples of sh-tests you were put through

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Don't generalize! Not all guys have weird ideas... just Kafka-esque OP does.

ooops! i meant SOME guys have some weird ideas, sorry!

He's helped dozens upon dozens of men interact with women. Describe to me how it's a scam, because Google fails to bring up any good reasons to call it such.

You must be joking.

The grandfather chaperone thing, for which she openly mocked him for later? That wasn't her jerking him around? Anyone with any social intelligence would see that she was picking on him, setting him up for failure. It's not weird, it's a cruel social trick.

Asking him to run an errand -- Hey Hyperlexian, why don't you go run down to the other side of town and get me something. We don't really know each other very well, but why don't you do it for me anyways?

Does that sound normal? What's the implied payoff when a girl asks the guy that question? Why should he do it? Will he be paid for his actions? Or, as others have said, will he get a "friendship" out of it? He doesn't sound very satisfied, so I doubt mere friendship was what he was asking for, or what he got.

So many times, I, and other guys here have been callously used by women in situations in which we probably should have been paid for a service. If you're a woman, and I'm a guy, and my skills in subject X are superior to yours, and you ask me to tutor/study with you, I should either be paid with money or friendship/relationship. Otherwise, why am I wasting my time on you?

Many women (and men as well) take advantage of the ambiguity of the situation, the social naivete of the guy, and probably the guy's desperation for any kind of social relationship. The result? A kind of partial friendship that ends as soon as the guy's (or in the reverse, girl's) utility runs out (such as when the class ends).

This is to contrast with a study session of academic equals, where both parties learn from each other, or one that is an excuse to hang out together and build a friendship -- in both cases, both parties benefit. Or a walk across town where both parties get to know eachother, etc.

But to send someone on an errand for you, with no payment for services rendered? Please. Tell me who is being weird or unfair there - it's not me.

the only people I met who did things like that (making you run errands or mocking you later for things) were people with borderline PD. They did this to men and women not just men. I dont think it is typical behaviour of people to do this sort of thing but a sign the person is not very nice or a bit damaging and someone to be avoided. It brings to mind the phraze "first time shame on you, second time shame on me".

interestingly Ive been acused of testing men but I was not I was just behaving oddly as I had aspergers and did not realise it was odd or would be interpreted negatively.

I recently got interested in a woman. Do these count as "tests"?:

She wants to see my picture of what I look like, but she has never offered to see me hers.

She has my number and rang it, but left is classed as a 'no number' when I saw the miscall on my mobile.

Is she playing games with me? Like, she's trying to push me along to see how interested in her I really am. Like the more, she pushes and the more "tests" I pass, the more she will be interested and see me as a man worth meeting.

I totally agree with you on the "first time shame on you, second time shame on me" statement, and that yes, some of them do this to multiple genders. I do think that NT women generally are quicker to wise up to this kind of manipulation than either NT or Aspie men, so this is why they tend to pick on undersocialized, lonely, somewhat clueless men who are motivated by hormones and desperation. These same men also lack the experience to judge for themselves whether they are being used or not, and their chances of actually getting a real relationship or friendship out of it.

There was a brief period in my life where I was like this, and I ran into a couple of people like this in a row. Not all of them wanted a service from me -- some were attention whores and wanted narcissistic supply, but at some point, despite any deception, it became clear to me that I was on the losing end of the transaction.

Quick mental math test -- if someone asks you to study with them, do you have equal skills on the subject, or is there an asymmetry in one direction? If there is the asymmetry, is one party being compensated for spending time they don't need to spend teaching another person their same skills? If so, what is the compensation? If not, why not?

I know I harp on this topic a lot, but it is a dear one to me, and one I think I'm qualified to speak on, both as having been a victim, a perpetrator, and someone who eventually rose above it and was able to find productive and happy relationships. Many men get caught in this trap, and once they start wasting their time with someone like this, they actually lose progress and move backwards in terms of their social development. They waste time they could be using to find real social relationships that do have a future, and end up unhappy and frustrated.

Nothing is better than spending time doing something mundane, like an errand (jointly) or studying together with someone you want to know better. The question is, does the other person feel the same way? If yes, great! But if not, yet they use the situation to their advantage, you are being used, and will end up with nothing. Nothing is all I have from the parasitic relationships I decry here.

Most would say you're not passing. Doing nice things for a woman isn't bad, but not having expectations of your own in return is. It gives the impression you're in such need of attention, you'll do whatever she asks to get it. No picture? No number? You should have called her out on these shenanigans by now.

However, if she's still talking to you, you must be doing something right. Just make sure you're getting what you want out of this too.

I have just this very minute thought about going to her and telling her straight that I won't play her mindgames, that she can go and screw. Being a barmaid in a busy pub, I know that this will embarrass her. I'll go in there all nicely groomed, dressed so good, and have a pocket full of money, she'll feel like the loser.

You don't know what she looks like and she doesn't know what you look like. I'm trying to picture how this would work. But since I don't have a picture either...I just can't.

edited to add; For those who are confused by Craig28's quote of my post that no longer seems to be there, I wrote what he has now quoted. Posted it. Didn't like the wording. Re-worded it to be more silly (I was going for silly.) But in the 30 seconds it took me to do that, he quoted me.

Dang he's fast.

Last edited by Janissy on 08 Sep 2010, 5:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

To be perfectly honest, I think you are mis-interpreting the situations (you know us with AS are very prone to doing that!).

I won't lie, some women/girls will test a potential mate on occasion. There's nothing wrong with this as long as it's not done excessively and not done for the sheer enjoyment of the woman. It's very important to have an idea of compatibility if you are going to embark on a relationship with someone. Women/girls do this more than men simply because in a traditional relationship role, where she becomes a home maker and he the bread winner, it's more difficult for her, with a child or children to raise, and little ability to support that financially, to leave. And it's also not fair to the man to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't really want to be there because it is a sham relationship and this will eventually manifest as stress to him, which is why a lot of men in the 50's and 60's resorted to affairs.

Anyway I do not think you were being tested. Testing usually happens later in a relationship and most women will not conclude a relationship on one test alone.

It seems to me that you only conclude they are "sh!t" testing you when the outcome is not what you had wanted or one which you had thought was polite or appropriate, but I do not interpret it like that.

Let me offer alternative interpretations for you to consider.

The grandfather: This WAS a chaperone deal and it may not have been her choice. Women/girls have to worry about sexual assault and they did not choose to be in this situation of having to do so. You might be someone who would never sexually assault a woman, but unfortunately, as much as they would like to be, women are not telepathic and it's very difficult to determine who is safe to socialize with and who isn't. You should not take it personally and I do not think most people would have been suspicious that this was a "test" of whether or not you're an alpha male. And how exactly did you mock you? It was she who either wanted to, or was required to bring her grandfather along. You didn't do anything to be mocked for as far as I can tell.

As for the girls who asked you to buy something. You did not elaborate on the specifics of the situation. What did she ask you to buy? How do you know it was a test for her to determine whether or not she should stay friends with you? I don't see how you came to this conclusion. Please elaborate.

The girl who wanted ice cream: I see what your reasoning is here. She breaks up with her boyfriend. Considers you as a potential boyfriend. And puts you to the test to seeing if you'd say no to something which sounds unreasonable, which is to walk all the way across town to get ice cream. I see how you would think it seems like a test. But wasn't for a few reasons.

First of all, she's young and JUST broke up with her boyfriend. Most teenaged break ups are not clear cut. My cousin breaks up with her boyfriend every other month and then gets back together with him. Sometimes he see's other girls during their broken up period, sometimes she sees other guys, just because that's what teenagers do. Whether your friend was considering you as more than a friend is questionable and impossible to distinguish from this situation.

Second of all. To agree to something outlandish once is not a bad thing. In fact in terms of dating, it's often a good thing. No one want someone who is boring. It's only a problem when you always say yes to unreasonable things, and you would have had to have done this quite a bit before she decided to test you.

Third, she might just have wanted to walk across town with you to get ice cream. I walk a lot and I consider it quality time when someone walks with me. I enjoy walking and would most certainly go on a long walk with a friend or someone I was interested in. I do not see it as an ordeal to try someone with. I will also walk great distances to get ice cream at a place I like.


The girl who drew the tree: I'm not clear on how this was a test at all? I frequently ask people if they like something I like. They either say yes or no. It's no big deal. I'm not clear on how you perceive the appropriate way for her to act in this situation. Should she not have shown you the tree? She could not have known ahead of time how you would feel about it. I'm not clear if you were actually offended by it or you thought she had it in her mind that there was a right and wrong answer to this and you were going to be judged as a viable boyfriend or not based on this answer alone, which I think is a bit irrational and paranoid to tell you the truth. Is this girl supposed to never ask you anything? In my experience teenagers and very young adults draw obscene things and laugh at them all the time. Even at college every other desk had a penis and naked lady drawn on it with crude comments.

As for her putting your hand on her chest, and a colleagues hand on her chest. This was inappropriate behavior on her part (NT's make mistakes too). But as you are not dating, you have no right to get upset when she allows others to touch her. She's not your property and you have no claim to her. The incident was only inappropriate because such touching is inappropriate in the work place, as it can lead to inappropriate co-worker relationships or sexual harassment suits (in this case she would be the harasser) and for no other reason than that.

So I think you are the one being unreasonable. I think you have a mistrust of women and a persecution complex that you demand they disprove, and then make it impossible for them to do so because you are biased to interpret everything about being about you alone and whether or not you respond the right or wrong way.

I think you should get counseling for this.

She knows my name, as well as having my number. At first, she'll think I am an ordinary customer.



She is the Landlord's daughter and its my mate who is the middle man between us both. He'll be there and he'll point her out to me.

You intend to humiliate your landlord's daughter. Is that wise?

I would appreciate it if the trolls stayed off this thread.

In any event, I described the incidents without giving a great deal of detail as to why they were sh**-tests, because I wanted to emphasize the methods used. Some of the responses surprise me, e.g. that being asked to be a gofer is okay.

billsmithglendale, thanks for your original reply. I could not have said it better myself.

lotusblossom, I recall having been asked at least four times to be a gofer during my university years. At least once, there was pretty good evidence that it was used as a means to assert one's social status to the detriment of mine.

Well, the other way is me being humiliated. Is that wise either? Tell me then, what do I do.

I'm sorry, I saw no indication that this thread belonged to you. It was never stated, I am no mind reader. After all, you did tell us to state our "tests".

Last edited by Craig28 on 08 Sep 2010, 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.