NT in love with an Aspie - what are my chances?

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Hello everyone - I need advice. I'll keep the story as simple as I can.

14 years ago, I (NT female) had a relationship with the most incredible man I have ever known. I would have done whatever it took to stay with him, but he didn't understand that, and I didn't understand that he didn't understand that. Our careers took us in separate directions, but I relocated to his city 2 years ago.

I was married (no kids) and so was he (two kids). He was as excited to see me as I was to see him. All the old feelings were still the same, and it was clear to me that our marriages were not going to last much longer, for independent reasons. I figured my husband and I could part on good terms, but his wife was an emasculating control freak. She was absolutely the wrong woman for him, and he knew that. He wanted their divorce to be amicable, but that struck me as unrealistic, and I said so. He said if it wasn't for the kids, marrying me would be a "no-brainer." He didn't care about losing anything except for the kids, and he worried about that a LOT. He called it "a matter of survival." I respected that.

We talked on the phone and in person a number of times over the next year. We were not having an affair, although we discussed hopes for a future together. One day, a year and a half ago, his wife found an innocuous email from me, blew a gasket, verbally abused us both, and left him and took the kids. All my NT friends say she was already planning to leave and was just looking for an excuse. I agree.

But the way he handled it made it even worse. By that point, I'd observed him handle many emotional/social situations very badly, yet he's a very successful professional. Finally, after failing to understand so many things about him, I figured out he's an Aspie (undiagnosed). He is exceptionally skilled at masking his "differentness," and I'm sure I'm the only one who knows. Now that I get it, I love and admire him even more.

We've had little contact since then, and our divorces are just about final. I don't think he blames me for the end of his marriage (and I don't think that would be fair). When I told him I'd filed, he seemed glad and asked if I was still in town. When I send him a card or a gift, he thanks me. Now, in an apparent sudden change of heart, he's told me not to wait for him and move on.

???

He has told me to go away once or twice in the past, yet later it always turned out that he didn't really mean it. He was just caught up in some other emotional mess and the wrong words came out. I believe that's the case this time too.

He's 43, this is his second divorce, and it takes him much longer to recover from relationship endings than NTs. I don't know if he still sees the kids, but it is certainly much less frequently now, and possibly not at all.

My questions:

1. Should I hang in there, and try again after a period of time? Or is he so damaged from this that he'll never trust again?

2. If I do still have a chance, what's the best course of action I can take? Is there anything I should/shouldn't say or do?

3. If there is no chance, I'd like to understand his thought process.

Thank you all so much!

My advice would be to move on.

I don't think there are any easy answers here. First, I can't emphasize enough that your diagnosis of him as an Aspie isn't rock solid (I'm assuming you're not trained to evaluate people for AS). He may be Aspie; he may not be. If he is Aspie, that's only one factor affecting his behavior. His psychological health, how he grew up, his character, etc., are all factors affecting his behavior.

I'm kinda not buying your perspective that you weren't having an affair. While I think you're referring strictly to the lack of a physical relationship, emotional affairs count. And since you reconnected and, "all the old feelings were still the same," and you talked about a future that included marriage - while you were both still married to other people - that's an emotional affair. And to me, that means you played a bigger part in the dissolution of his marriage than you'd like to admit (and you're kinda lucky that verbal abuse was all you got from his wife).

Obviously, your email was the catalyst for the divorce. If his wife was "snooping" in his email, it seems like she had good reason to be suspicious (her husband was discussing a future with an old flame). If this guy purposely and/or carelessly let her find the email, that seems like a pretty gutless way for him to bring up the topic of divorce.

You seem very critical of his wife, while completely overlooking the fact that he was making plans with you while still married to her. And whether she was an emasculating control freak or not, he picked her; he had kids with her....when they had problems, did they try to work them out? Or was he content to simply leave when you came back into his life? What does all that say about his character?

So...now he's lost his kids - which must have been devastating to him - and you're right in the middle of all that. Doesn't bode well for the future of any relationship. Additionally, at the very least he's ambivalent about you at this point, repeatedly telling you he wants to end the relationship.

I'm sorry, but IMO, the ugly truth is that this guy is a spineless, passive/aggressive jerk who's blown two marriages, cheated, and used you to jumpstart his divorce. Whether he's realized he can't see a future with you because of the role you played in him not being with his kids, or because he feels guilty, or because he realizes he's not capable of commitment, or whatever - I hope you find the strength to walk away. Or do you honestly want to be his third ex-wife? Do you want to be the one wondering what's wrong with your marriage, while he's out making plans with wife #4? He's got some pretty big character flaws - and that has nothing to do with Asperger's.

Please no morality lectures. The details would fill a 500-page book, so I'd like to be taken at face value when I say, we conducted ourselves with the best of intentions. Everyone has character flaws. I believe he does the best he is capable of, and so do I.

Assume my identification of Asperger's is accurate. For example, he speaks formally, takes things literally, and jokes fly over his head. I think of him as "context-impaired," and his son has hyperlexia. Socially, it's like he's playing checkers while everyone else is playing chess, and it gets him into lots of trouble. I know of at least two situations where his rotten judgment almost got him beat up, which I prevented, because I sensed he genuinely just did not understand. Yes, he looks like a huge jerk, but he really isn't trying to honk people off or drive them insane. If he's trying to take advantage of anyone, he isn't any good at it. He wants to be liked, but he always gets shafted in the end. I won't degrade him with pity, but I do worry for him.

Thanks, but judgmental NTs are a dime a dozen. I hoped to get the Aspie perspective on my three questions.

Even if he does have Aspergers, which it seems he may or may not, we don't all think alike. We really don't know what's going through his mind, how damaged he is, or how likely this will be to turn around. All I can suggest is let him know if he wants to talk about anything he can always get in touch with you. That way you could keep the door open for now, but move on.

Your response to his attempts to end your relationship so far has been to refuse to accept his decision. If you're not an emasculating control freak (as you described his wife), you're going to have to respect his decision, and leave him alone. If you're diagnosis of him is accurate, I can assure you there's nothing about him being Aspie that would make him incapable of deciding whether or not he wants to be in a relationship, or that would legitimize your refusal to accept his decision.

Wow, sounds like this'd make a good movie. You're both worlds beyond my experience, but I'd at least stay in touch and let it bake for the time being. If this camo-aspie is anything like me, he's more reactionary and may even want you to initiate getting on closer terms. Or it may be too soon. I realize it's completely impossible for you to tell what he wants or not, but if he's illicited interest in the past, well, if he's anything like me, that doesn't go away very quickly at all. Like, on the scope of years.

Assuming that he is aspie, my guess would be that he's not in a good place right now.

People with aspergers tend to suffer depression worse than neurotypical people and it's likely that he's withdrawn into himself.

You'll also need to recognise your role as a catalyst in all of this. Despite your assurances, I'm not sure that he'd have had the "guts" to end his relationship himself. It probably would have dragged on and been painful but he would have gone through the pain and the sadness because he cares so much about the kids.

I guess that's probably the reason for his distance at the moment. He's probably subconsciously "blaming you" despite what he says. He'll also be blaming himself, having second thoughts and going through "what-if" scenarios.

You need to have a long and careful talk with him but not about the past.

You need to find out what he thinks his future is and make your decisions based on that.

It might be that he isn't ready to commit - and maybe you need to be "friends" for a while. You also need to make sure that he gets to see his children and that your presence doesn't impact upon that. This could be his issue.

If you've got your children, you might want to try socialising them around him. It might help him relax. Just check with your children first because any acceptance issues will get in the way. You might be able to call him and say "we'd like to go to xxxxxx (someplace nice and scenic but not overnight) but I need someone to help me with the kids - can you please help".

Good luck.

Foomith- you don't have an idea if he's Aspie or not but you DO know that he's a man who his rejecting you at this point. It hurts. I have been in a very deep friendship with an Aspie for 1.5 years. It got romantic and sexual during 2010 and now it's blown up and he's pulled way back and wants to detach/go back to platonic with only the occasional hangout instead of us being stuck together like glue. I was his "special interest" and now I'm not. I hate it but too bad, so sad for me. Nothing can bring him back unless he wants to...and he doesn't want to. I can tell you this for certain: the more I pushed, the further and longer he ran away and there is very little likelihood of us returning to the lover-ship we had. You can read my thread if you like. If you want to process this with another NT woman, you can PM me. I'd say back burner him, keep some hope for a friendship being rebuilt but don't expect much for now. If he says move on , DO IT. Men don't like clingyness. It makes them vanish. If he *is* Aspie with a tendency to value logic over emotions, as some do, any attempt on your part to control the situation will cause him to reject you even more as a show of control over his own life. You need to respect his decision/stance no matter how painful. Even if you think he's bluffing or unsure of "what he really wants/needs." Trying to change his mind will only annoy him more and hurt your chances in the future. Let him come to you...but don't wait...

He just got out of a marriage with a control freak who basically tried to destroy his life. Any guy, and even more so for an Aspie, he's going to be cautious about letting anyone get close.

Just be patient, persevere, and if it's meant to be things will work out.

I don't know what the situation was in your marriages so I'm really in no position to judge. Your best bet is to go on with what you've been doing. If anything, I would just make sure you're being clear in what you want. If you're not that can really mess with an Aspie.

pandoran, thanks for this statement: " I would just make sure you're being clear in what you want. If you're not that can really mess with an Aspie." I gave my Aspie hella mixed messages (out of frustration, anger, disappointment, rejection, etc...) and you are absolutely right- it messed with his mind and it has done HUGE damage to our friendship/relationship/whatever it is. Sadly, my Aspie wasn't clear with me. He wanted sex but he gave me all this love (including months and months of lovely words about being in love) and then he took it all back when it got "sticky" and too emotional and said he only used the words "I love you" with me because he thought it was socially required to keep me involved....