Why is this so hard? Please tell me why this is so hard.

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Hello. I'm a sixteen year old human male with Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder. The following is my problem.

Well, I would love to get back to hugging my body pillow and watching J-Dramas, but there is a pressing issue that has been plaguing my mind lately and wont let up: The only girl I have ever really loved rejected me because of stupid mistakes that any "Normal" person would never make.

I don't often think of myself as an individual with Asperger's Syndrome. I often just think of myself as a person that is quite different and eccentric. It's only in these times of need that I really embrace the fact that my eccentricity has a definite explanation.
For about a year and a half, I thought of myself as perfectly fine as I had good friends that I was keeping and I have honestly had plenty girlfriends in the past which kept me positive about finding a girlfriend in the future. But what really hit me hard after all my fumbling mistakes (That I will cover later) was that the reason for all my past success with the lady-types was the fact that I was borderline manic constantly. I have no idea why, but being manic seems to unlock some sort of magical lock in your brain to release some sort of social skills awesome-sauce into your blood stream. Ever since this realization, a thought has been going through my mind...

"If I went off of my medication, would the Social Special-sauce start to flow again and make my sweet return my love?"

I know that this isn't a good idea, but what else is there to do? I'm finally stable after all those years now, so if I go off my medication it could very well ruin my life. But I think I found someone that I would easy ruin my own life for. WHAT NOW!?

Despite my ailments, I have been gifted with many things. These things include pretty extreme intelligence (IQ 153 WISC IV), artistic talent, musical talent, talent for writing, motivation to reach my dreams, and striking good looks
But I have failed to be gifted in the social domain. I spent one year and a hospital admission testing all boundaries of everything social in order to finally be up there with the rest of the people. It was largely a success as I'm generally well liked and I have very good friends, but with my lack of mania, all my skill with the ladies seems to have ran away and promptly jumped off a very high cliff.
For some reason I think it's a good idea to...

A. Talk to the girl too much/Give her too much attention. She took over my life to the point where everyday I went to school was just to see her. Stupid...
B. Sit too close to her. She had become like a magnet. Her warmth was all I wanted in the world, so my brain shut off and I scooched closer. Stupid...
C. Send too many messages. If she doesn't answer for 10 minutes, why not send another message to see if she's still there? Well, if she doesn't respond for an hour, a combination of my impatience and my worry caused me to send closer to 12 messages. Stupid...
D. Give her a thank you card after giving me a present for my birthday, but putting a bit of what I felt in to it, just replacing "Me" and "I" with "People". This was the effing nail in the coffin. What an apt time to ask her out a week after this, eh? Stupid, stupid, STUPID MISTAKES!

I'm sure my record has a lot more little things than that. What stays true is that she took my heart and stepped on it, and now I'm just desperately looking for SOME GIRL to heal these wounds she left me. But I have had no such luck. every possible candidate (Always met over the internet) I drove away with that messaging too much thing. And each girl that I drive away tells her other friends not to go for me. This is a big problem because I'M ONLY INTERESTED IN ASIAN GIRLS. Only Asian girls. A minority in my area.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow because I'm so lonely that I lost all the motivation to do so. This little issue has passed from a little personal social thing to effecting my whole life in a negative way... What do I do!? I don't want to have to go off of my meds to "Fix" this problem!


I request your advice and similar stories that can help me and make me feel better about my issue respectably.

Help me!! !!

It's never a good idea to go off your meds without a doctor's supervision. You can work on your social skills without being manic. i don't know why being manic would really help you in the social arena. That doesn't make much sense to me. Try to find a girl that you really like. No girl likes to feel like she is just the next one on the list.

Why are you only interested in asian girls?

Well, I wish I knew why I only like Asian girls haha. Well, I like liking Asian girls. Well, I mostly like Japanese girls (Big part of the reason why I'm currently learning Japanese) I have always loved Asian girls above all others. Nice figure, nice hair, lovely clear skin, beautiful eyes, wonderful culture (I love Japanese, Korean, and Chinese culture the most), among various other things. the absolute cutest girls in the world come from Japan. It's lovely! How could I not love them?

OK. So Asian it is. I've been thinking. Maybe when you are manic you seem more confident and you don't fall into the little traps of messaging too much etc.... Maybe if we work on your confidence (without going off meds) and we work on your social skills at the same time you will be more successful in these relationships.

I can't stress enough however that going off your meds is a really bad and dangerous idea. Please do not do this. it will not solve anything. it will only make matters worse in the long run.

So what do you think?

1. Those things (a-d) you list up there aren't normal boy girl stuff, but they are very normal Aspie boy-girl stuff. Best learn how to deal with this now. We will obsess over our love interest, so learn how to not be creepy about your appreciation for someone you're crushing on and life will be much smoother for you. Make yourself some rules: for example, three strikes and your out (ask her out no more than three times, draw a limit on how many times you call or message). If a girl turns you down or makes a lame excuse about going out three times in a row, she's not interested and it just being polite. If she doesn't answer your text, DO NOT send another. Barraging her with messages or cards or invitations out can feel claustrophobic, creepy and even dangerous to the girl. Be aware of this, and act accordlingly--and if you can't control yourself on the fly, make some steadfast rules that can't be violated under any circumstances.

2. It's never a good idea to go off your medication unless a doctor advises that. My guess is, that wouldn't be advised here. Consider that you may only think you do better when you are slightly manic. Also, there are plenty of messed up gals who are attracted to...I'll just say bad or abusive elements. Trust me, the ones who are attracted to you when you are NOT on an even keel, are not the kind of drama whores any one needs in their lives. (Not saying any girl you dated was that, but making a general statement about the type of damaged goods that will repeatedly be attracted to someone a little out of control).

3. It seems like your life is ruined, but it really isn't. Recognize that it didn't go your way this time and look to your next chance. Always be grateful for the lessons learned when it all goes sour...if you learn from your mistakes, they bring you that much closer to finding a lasting relationship. That's even true for NT's. I know it can be hard to see that right now, but the fact is, you don't have much other choice. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and (unfortunately) there isn't anything you can do to convince or MAKE a person love you--that part either happens or it doesn't.

Don't go off your meds, very bad idea.

Also, have you thought about going on a student exchance to an Asian country?
Perhaps move somewhere when you finish school which has more Asian people?

Hi Kiikasi,

I'm also way into Asians here -- the good news is that there are plenty of them around the world. Don't get so worked up about this one girl, there are plenty of Asian fish in the sea, so to speak.

It just sounds like you are overthinking things and second-guessing yourself. Get out of that mode, and stop worrying about being manic to make things happen. Girls will like you if you are not manic -- in fact, they may even like you better. Just try to relax and let things happen to you -- you don't have to be at 100% effort in terms of making things happen. Try to be patient and play the long game (meaning waiting days and weeks for someone to come around), rather than instant gratification.

Ever hear the joke about the old bull and the young bull? Two bulls on a hill, one young, and one old, are looking down the hill at a herd of cows. The young bull says to the old one, "Hey, let's run down there and nail one of those cows!" The old bull says "No, let's walk down there and nail them all."

Do you understand the point of the joke above?

One thing to keep in mind is the tendency to generalize a bad experience. You may feel that because this one didn't work out, that the rest won't work out either. I can't promise you that you'll be successful the next time either, but you'll be better off for whatever lies ahead when you learn how to deal with the situation you're currently in.

Dude, I have witnessed it with a friend and I have gone through this type of stuff too. I already told my friend after his ordeal is to keep looking for other girls. They might show up sometimes. At almost every case, even when your close, prepare for their answer of saying NO. Whenever you have a crush, try not to put a picture in your mind that if you do get together, you will live happily ever after. Think of some doubts to place into your head like "if we do date, will it work out" or "Is it working, How close or far am I". Its also best that whenever you have a crush is to try to not put that one person in a special place that you're only focused on. Like you, I have gifts in music and art. So what you should do next time is to take your focus off a bit from your crush and add more of it to your special interest. Use them as your plan B if asking a girl out (Plan A) dosen't work or searching for other girls can also be a Plan B. It should help even after rejection cause although you still got rejected, you're life's not over and you have plenty of more opportunities and gifts to be happy with. Sure, recovery is sometimes slow and painful, but you will get out of the tunnel soon. And I agree with the others, keep using your Meds if needed.

Thank you so much, guys. T.T
I will learn from my mistakes! I will read your advice everyday multiple times until it really sticks in my mind. I want to be a social super machine like my dad ><
I had no clue that what I was doing was typical. I feel better now because of it.

Please give me more great advice!

Was the girl aware that you have Asperger's?

I do the exact same things in relationships.

I am married to an NT man. We started out as friends, just friends. After a few months, when he started to show an interest in me romantically, I told him about my AS. He freaked a little, thought I was making it up, then started researching. Now he is quite an authority on being in a relationship with a person who has AS. And we are married. He is my best friend.

My point is, maybe a romantic relationship is the right place to start. Try being friends with the girl first, get to know her, get close to her. That way, you can tell her about your AS, explain it and you will have the friendship as a foundation.

Oh, and the text messaging thing, yeah, I did it too. Over and over (and made calls too - way too many - and I am phone phobic!). What I started doing was saving the texts and emails as drafts. That way, I had the satisfaction of sending the message (it is sort of a release) but didn't bother anyone. I would save it as a draft and decide later if I should send it or not (at least 24 hours).

I also had my husband tell me times when he would call me (we still do this). That way, if he says he will call at 4:30, I can wait till 4:30 for his call. If he doesn't call, then I am justified in calling him or texting him (this was moreso when we were dating).

Do you see what I am saying? If you have a plan, set a time, you know exactly when things will happen (like she will call) and you can relax.

Oh, but everyone is right, don't go off your meds. That is very unwise.

fotojunkie telling your partner you have as may work at a certain age(when you are mature enough), however most 16 year old girls are going to stop thinking you as a suitable partner once they hear you have as. They usually have no idea what it is and they have no desire to make an effort and find out since apparently its way easier to find someone else who doesnt have a medical condition. I find this very shallow but its the way most teenagers work nowadays.

Maybe, but that is part of the reason for being friends first.

I was thinking about my own 16 year old son, though. He also has AS. He is tall and very good looking. When told a girl he was seeing about his AS she was not bothered at all. In fact, he wound up breaking up with her.

As he told his friends and other girls found out, they started treating him like a movie star. They romanticized him into some sort of brooding genius (the fact that he plays the guitar really helped the image).

I am not saying that it will work for everyone, but I do think that making friends first is very important, especially in our types of situations. That is what I really stress. Be friends first, then let the romance develop.

Being friends first can be helpfull if you are trying to start a romantic relationship thats something Im not going to argue about.


That may have worked for your son however it doesnt work most of the time and thats what I was trying to tell the OP.
I was thinking about the multiple threads on wp on which most users state they dont tell others because they have had some trouble in the past after telling others about as.
Theres even a scene on adam that deals about this:
The gf just discovered he has as(he tells her in one of her dates) so she goes and asks a friend of hers who had some knowledge on as, the first response was to get away from him as soon as she could, when the friend saw that wasnt an option she gave her some books about as. Its a sad scene but its the way it works most of the time.


Being firends first can help a lot, however you can be friends with someone and not tell them about as, as a matter of fact one the most comon advices around here when it comes to first dates its to tell the other person you are clumsy/quirky instead of telling them about as. As I said in my first post its shallow but its the way it works most of the time.