Lonliness anxiety

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Been feeling lonely and down lately.

I spent the better part of 07-10 alone... pining after someone who didn't feel the same. I got over it at the end, but it's trying on the heart. During that time, it was hard for me to do the things I usually like doing because I was really depressed. I get so obsessive to be close to someone sometimes. But it did get better and things were fine for most of 09 despite still being alone.

Then in Jan of 10, I met my now bf... but I am having these feelings again. We don't see each other very much as it is cause we live in adjacent towns and both work like 12h a day. Plus he's been depressed lately and withdrawn... some months now so we spend even less time together. I just feel somewhat down cause it's almost very similar to the anxiety I had from the other guy not returning my love. It's not that he (my bf) doesn't care-- it's totally my own emotional crap that's causing the anxiety. I really want to be around my bf more but don't want to impose on him because I know the need to be alone.

Nothing's wrong with the relationship, when we talk (even about this topic) things are fine... It's just due to life, we're spending even less time together. I am just returning to my own depressed kind of state. I don't want to see anyone else... but I am just having this separation anxiety. It's really hard for me to be in a relationship mode yet be alone cause it just makes me obsess and I can't be interested in my own things. I worry and pace and cry for being lonely... and I know I'm taking things personally that aren't personal but I can't get out of this rut.

To top it off... The guy that ignored me for years has suddenly decided to take interest in me. It had actually gotten really bad cause he started stalking me (cause I refused him) to the point of me having to file a police report and other measures taken... it's been very stressful. I'm over him for sure (his behavior absolutely creeped me out anyway)... But it's hard cause it just emphasizes my own feelings of wanting to be around my bf more and just reminds me of the anxiety I had for years for the other guy.

All I do is work my 12 hrs and come home to work some more. I don't have many friends but I don't even feel like bothering them to hang out. I just go through the motions of my own habits even though I don't really enjoy them again.

I just don't know how to make things better. The days are long.

And this song has been stuck in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zdNdjF-htY

Sorry you're feeling down. *hugs* It's good that you have someone now.

Maybe you should try making plans with him to do something special. It'll give you something to look forward to and maybe things won't feel as long?
Sounds like you work quite a lot so maybe you just need a break, maybe a take a day or two off with your guy and go out of town for a bit.

@Sedaka, you've always seemed like such a nice person - a nice person who is way too hard on herself. I disagree that it's "totally your own emotional crap" that's causing your loneliness and anxiety. You're in a relationship and you want to spend time with your guy. That's not emotional crap - it's a plain old, boring, normal emotional need. And you're allowed to have emotional needs - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

From what I recall, your ex-bf was a very selfish guy, emotionally unavailable, and seemed to engage in some wildly inappropriate behavior. Your current guy seems to share that element of emotional unavailability, but that seems to be about all they have in common. I know you mentioned that your current bf has been on anti-depressants, but I can't remember....has he gone off them? That could certainly be a factor in his level of emotional availability.

So....maybe this is the universe giving you another chance to realize that your relationship needs are just as valid as your partner's? Maybe this is an opportunity to figure out how to get your needs met? You don't have to have an argument or drama with your bf....but I think you do need to let him know that you need more - more of his time, and perhaps more structure to the relationship? It seems to me that Aspies often really like their routines, and a sense of routine does seem to be pretty absent in your relationship. So, is it possible that your anxiety and depression are partially a response to the lack of structure in your relationship?

Maybe you'd feel better if you worked out a schedule with your bf? Dedicate an evening during the week to each other, and one day/evening of the weekend? His ability to participate in your relationship in this way might require that he address his depression....but if you and he had never met, he should probably be addressing his depression anyway.

You seem like a reasonable person, he seems like a reasonable person....you don't have to have a confrontation. But I think you do have to tell him that you need more from him - and realize that having that need is okay. Partners are supposed to meet each other's needs, okay?

i think it's over. we kinda talked but i couldn't get anything out of him really. he didn't respond again when i told him i loved him. he just said it was hard. we just kinda laid there in bed for a while and then i left for work.

Do you know what is getting him down? Is it work? the relationship?

That sucks - I feel for you. I'm in pretty much the same position. The closest thing I've had that could be called a "relationship" was just called off two weeks ago after just a few months. Add to that the face that Grad school leaves little time for socializing, and I don't see how I'm not going to be alone for the next two years. It was so nice to have some physical comfort for a while - I hate being touched unless I'm extremely close to someone.

I work, I teach, I come home and just wait for the same thing to happen tomorrow. I don't really have the energy to keep up with the few friends I do have - besides bar hopping around a college town isn't my thing. Conferences and comp exams are coming up too this year and I can barely focus. I'm just worn out and wondering if it's all still worth it...

I'd tell you hang in there, but that's what we do anyway right?

That is terrible. 12 hours is a long day... are you or him in jobs where you can relocate? Having feelings for someone far away is not nice, i've been there but luckily I don't want people around me a lot of the time so it is ok.. But I know what you mean by feeling lonely.

Do you think he loves you? Often hard to get that out of people. I can't really comment more as I don't know. But I am sorry you feel that way.

we're not too too far away... just far enough to make the drive on most nights/mornings not worth it cause he gets home at like 10-11pm and i generally have to leave his place by like 7am to get to work on time.

we're supposed to talk tonight i guess. i dunno.

i hope that your talk ends well... i know from reading your posts that you are trying to do everything you can to make it work.

Hi Sedaka,

Sorry you are feeling down.

It's late at night where I am and I can't sleep, so I thought I would look up some of the people I like on WP (which is why I am here - but you won't see me for a while again). My advice is don't take my advice, but if you did take my advice, you would try to hang out with friends a bit more. I get negative if I don't get out and see people.

we talk and things seem fine...

but he's still do distant and i spend most nights alone. most my friends work.

i just feel like it's over even though he says things are fine.

i joined a lot of meetup groups.

see how that goes.

idk ive been lonely and depressed for almost 10 years but only becuase I have no one to hang out with when i have someone to hang out with im not lonely and depressed but that doesnt usually happen cuz I dont know anybody and when i meet someone new they usually hang out with me once and then stop talking to me cuz they think im ugly to them or i dont know why becuase they wont talk to me so i have no clue

think we had some sort of break through...

it's not easy to deal with but he's having some sort of man crisis... understandably.

he's 36, i'm 28 (29 here in a few)... but aside from undesirable side effects from antidepressants, he also has a prostate condition. it's a hereditary benign growth issue, but he knows where it will inevitably go. i have known about this as things have progressed... but how can you really go about dealing with it. our physical closeness has been wonderful but infrequent, especially cause I have trouble reading when things are good... and while this causes me acute anxiety just cause i can't tell why things are happening... i can understand how it is a more prominent and longterm issue to him... this is why he's been so distant.

i love him. want to be with him so much. and we both cried to each other that we're both so lucky for our time together... but he feels old and poopy and antsy for kids while he can. i have my own potential reproductive problems and have felt that itch (guess i'm hitting that age too as a woman) before i ever knew him. but he's just scared of committing me to this situation.

i didn't know what to say to him other than you can't live your life that way... you have to try. he hasn't returned my "i love you's" but especially after last night (not that we pressed the "i love you topic"), i don't think it's because he doesn't... just because of this. he doesn't want to try to find anyone else and neither do i... but he's just kind of hopeless.

i told him to share with me more...keeping distant and not sharing these feelings with me is selfish on his part towards me... but he's also cheating himself by not honestly letting himself be loved. he's the first person ive even dated/been with in 4 yrs and while i know my perspective on certain aspects of relationships is different than what he must feel... it just isn't as important to me as other things.

we cuddled and talked til 5am. i think it's pretty much up to him at this point. even with all of this, i can't imagine finding a sweeter guy. we both admitting to imagining marriage and kids and just dorking it out at home. but i just don't know what else i can do. i told him i'm not mad, whatever happens but that i don't want to go.