Determining Compatibility

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I had a little exchange recently with Pistonhead in the Haven that got me thinking...here's the comment I posted:

After some reflection over the past few days, I find that my perpetual single status comes from a lot of things but I think the one of the main issues (aside from my massive insecurity) is me not knowing how compatible I am with other people. I usually don't bother pursuing guys that don't give me the "butterflies in my tummy" feeling unless they approach me first. If a guy approaches me first, I'll talk with him and try to figure out whether or not it'll work.

So when people ask me, "what's your type?" I don't have an answer. My friends wanna know so they can try to hook me up with some of their friends. Nothing has come of any of the matches they've come up for me yet. I've never gone out or met with any of their matches, it's just that after chatting online that we find that it's just not gonna work or we're not as compatible as my friends had originally anticipated. I've dated/crushed on a**holes, sweethearts, momma's boys, closeted homosexuals, nerds, outcasts etc. Is there really only one type of person that's compatible with another, like a key into a lock? There's only one key made for that lock, there can be copies of it made but it's just not the same as the original. So how can I tell who's compatible with me and who isn't?

Long post is long so I'm gonna shut up now. XD

Let's start from your past experiences:

Those are very varied types, they almost cover the total male population.

So which type of the mentioned types you prefer(ed) and lasted with the most?

PS: Just give ONE type as an answer. So take your time and think well before answering.

Just to be clear I haven't dated all of those types, that was a list of who I've crushed on/dated. So I have more experience with some of those types than others. So let's see what I figure out while analyzing all the categories.

Now lemme start by saying which ones I didn't enjoy and see where this goes:
a**holes - while intriguing at first, they were more trouble than they were worth. :/
Momma's Boys - It's annoying to have a guy's mother chaperoning dates. Yes, I've had this happen. I was 17, he was 15 and his mother sat at the table directly behind us and observed me the entire time. Very unnerving.
Closeted Homosexual - Kind of frustrating trying to figure out why a guy won't kiss you and then you see him making out with his "best friend." He denies that it happened to this day and is still dating women. Maybe he was just curious or he's bi, either way there was a lack of honesty here.


Which leaves me with sweethearts, nerds and outcasts. Technically, one person can easily be all three of these things. Being an outcast doesn't bother me that much since I've been there, as long as he can be civil with others, I'm okay with it.

Sweethearts are self explanatory. There's a difference between being a Sweetheart and a Momma's Boy. A guy can be sweet to his mother without obeying her every command. I'm not talking about a push-over either, as a Momma's boy is a subset of push-over. I'm talking about a guy that's not afraid to show his emotions, not to the point of being a crybaby but not a callous jerk either.

Nerds are a veeery wide group. There's the most potential here in numbers alone. I relate to nerds because I am one. I'm a grammar/literary/band/renaissance/video game/anime nerd. It covers a lot of ground in the nerd universe. Hopefully I get to an anime convention this year. Now, this is related to interest while the others are personality traits so I'm not sure if this belongs here or not. There are cocky nerds. I've seen them, it's scary. My friend was abused by one for years before breaking off their engagement. So I don't know what to say about this category. I guess the guy has to be nerdy to some extent but have some other positive personality traits in there.

Answer: I'm not sure but I would venture to say that I'd enjoy a Sweetheart even though I've never dated one. I've crushed on several but they always had girlfriends. XD

While you may be able to predict with accuracy who you will be incompatible with, I don't think you can predict who you will be compatible with simply by creating categories and picking a category to put a man into. Really the only way to tell is to spend time with somebody, or at any rate to talk (by phone or message) enough to get a feel for them.

Where's misunderstood somali pirates on your list?

Yeah, that's the problem. Since I only got the "butterflies" feeling with the two that I dated who turned out to be completely wrong for me, I guess relying on the feeling isn't going to get me anywhere. So I have no pre-indicator for who to pursue. Everyone's on the same playing field now and it's intimidating. First off, a lot of the guys in my social circle are taken already. I'm pretty much left with the people that I'm not even remotely attracted to. That's why I've turned to online dating. No real luck yet. Had a guy cancel on me twice and am giving up on him ever wanting to meet me. With that though, I have no idea what the person is really like until I meet them and that scares me. Their profile could be a complete lie and I wouldn't know it. I have joined another club on campus but I don't think I'd find anyone there since it's the gay-straight alliance. Any straight male there probably assumes I'm a lesbian instead of a straight ally. I don't have a lot of time to join lots of groups to meet people so I really don't know what I can do about it for right now. :/

Lol, sorry I've never met any of those. XD

I think a problem is I know I wouldn't be compatible with a drug user because I can't stand drug use but there are lots of people I might be compatible with but I don't know since my experiences with guys are way more limited than the average 22 year old.

I know I wouldn't want a drug user. Prescription meds are okay as long as it's legal.

Yeah. My experience is a lot more limited than most 21 year old girls. 2 relationships, one was for 2 months and the other was 3 weeks. That's really low. I've had friends tell me that their shortest relationship would be 2 years or something and I get jealous of that. I've never been able to celebrate an anniversary or anything. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though the guys I've been with attest that it's not my fault. :/

You also missed rednecks, metalheads, goths, grunge (yes they still exist, I've found a lot of them on car forums), jocks (not the popular ones but the ones that are friendly and protective of nerds, again they do exist) and people who are completely undefinable. Either way compatibility is not limited to cliques.

in my experience in order of importance
1. Interests
2. Values (Honest, Trustworthy, etc.)
3. Mental Issue compatibility
4. Lack of friends
5. Family

Me and Debbie (1 week-ish) had
Interests - Some overlapping music
Values - Not really
Mental - Wow she was hyper and absent minded
Friends - She didn't have any but this didn't help for once
Family - Didn't know them

Me and Cate (on/off for 1 1/2 years and we still aren't rid of each other) had
Interests - Some overlapping music, Some overlaping games, She developed my taste in cars but not my proficiency and memorization
Values - Mostly good
Mental - Our main problem, Cate is Schizophrenic, Bipolar, and everything extremely wrong
Friends - She had a lot and half of them didn't like me, a few even talked sweet to both of our faces to break us up
Family - Her family loved me, no problem there - I've even heard that I'm still quite respected

Me and Marie (1 year) had
Interests - Same music, Same games, Fairly same cars
Values - Here's the problem: Marie was a cheater and very self absorbed
Mental - We got along fairly well here - we both had slight anger problems but nothing that made us fight
Friends - She had a few that got sort of in our way but aside from the one that she cheated on me with no big problems
Family - Didn't have much of a problem with her family aside from when her mom caught her giving me head

Now if you notice the further up the problems start the shorter the relationship, it's not rocket science.

I do not think computability is important in a relationship. I think what's important is the desire for both people to be together. If they have that desire they could find ways to compromise & make the relationship work. I think you should try looking for someone who will take a relationship seriously instead of worrying about compatibility. I've seen very incompatible couples have a happy relationship because they both did what they could to make it work & I've seen some very compatible couples fall apart because one or both of em did not care or put forth the effort to make it work

Compatibility is important, but eHarmony makes way too much of a deal out of it.