Well, not expecting much, but here goes.

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I am not purely NT because I have BPD. However, I had been having issues with the lack of fulfillment, empathy, and just plain communication in our relationship these past three years. The wedding has been called off by him three times now. I have a dress and everything, and I love him so much that it hurts when this happens. He says he wants marriage and children with me, but then this keeps happening. I have infertility issues, and have just recovered from uterine cancer so my chances for procreating are time-sensitive since my cancer statistically may return within 3 years. Anyway, my heart is hurting so bad because someone said on another forum that it sounded like he had Asperger's. At first I thought it impossible because my only knowledge of Asperger's was the hand flapping guy on Boston Public (sorry). However, I looked into it and it describes him perfectly. I told him and he looked at it. I received a noncommital "It gives me a lot to think about." Since then, he has told me that we are back together, and he wants me back, but he doesn't feel it is "right" for me to move back into our house for at least a few more weeks. He claims a few weeks because I asked for a time frame, so who knows how long it could be otherwise. I am not certain what is the cause for this, and he says he doesn't know but he knows it is not "right" if I don't do it that way. He says he still wants a future with me and everything, but when I asked if we are still engaged, he gruffly said "Sure." I am thinking that is a bad sign. I told him he had until today to give me an answer for why I can't move back in if we are back together, and he never gave it. I warned him that I was going to cut off the relationship (the only thing that ever seems to work, I don't get it), which I was because that was the term of our agreement. He then told me he just received all my messages that day and to "Move back in." That was it. Now, I am concerned that he took my pressure for an answer as pressure to just do something or do what I wanted. I don't want to do anything that will destroy our relationship, but I have my issues too and one of them is abandonment and a bit of obsession with him. He is my everything, but I don't want to do this if he isn't going to investigate Asperger's and work with it to improve our relations. Our main issue is that I am straightforward, sometimes explosive, demanding, and need reassurance/display of love and it tends to conflict with his laidback, noncommunicative, unemotional personality. I keep reading that I have to do the work to make this happen. I don't want to believe that because I believe both people should, if they both want it. However, I've seen first hand that I have to be the housekeeper (and I'm not a good one!), the voice of common sense, and push him relentlessly to get any words, love, etc... from him and that's only if he is in the mood. If not, then he can get very angry, very quick and I will typically respond in kind. I want this to work. Can someone help me?

PS - he gets confused a lot when I talk to him because he says I use too many not's or something. I teach English, but I am dyslexic so I don't know if I am wording things wrong or what. And, sometimes he has a cap on how long we can discuss something and he will shut down. Is this all normal behavior for Asperger's? I feel better just knowing about it because I believed most of his behavior meant he didn't love me until now. I hope he loves me because I don't think I will ever know that.

He tried to break up with me again, and I stayed calm and almost left before I asked if there was any way I could do things to make him more comfortable. He says he doesn't want to the do the work it will take to maintain a relationship with me, yet he loves me. He has said he loves me and that I'm the one time and time again, and has also retracted it as well, but usually when he is overwhelmed or stressed which he was this time, too. 3 days ago he said he had thought long and hard about it and was certain I was the one and that he wanted a future with me. Now, he is reluctantly or something saying he will give it another chance (he even cried when I asked if he was sure he didn't want a future with me), but he will not be able to do much or keep me happy/fulfilled. He needs me to just completely leave him alone, he says, but I am supposed to do this while we are living together and engaged. Obviously, I wish on everything that I could do that so that I would never lose him. I don't have anywhere to live so I'm going to shack up with him, stay out of his way and life, and move as soon as the funds are there (about a month). I can't keep putting myself through this, but I can't help feeling that there is some way to make it work. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone as far as Aspie behavior? Can anyone give me insight into what this would mean or what I can do to make it work? It seems that talking about the future, my feelings/concerns, and having emotional responses tend to cause negative results. I can't become a robot, but what is the best way to tread lightly so that there might be a way to help him not suffer so much? He believes it will never work out, and he almost seems defeated. His job is taking a lot from him, but he is the one choosing to stay after hours and work off the clock until 6 am and won't hear of doing it differently - but it really is exhausting him and he has no time for me or himself. What's ironic is he got this job so we could get married and start a family, and now it seems that very job has been one of the catalysts in pulling us apart.

Yah, I broke it off for good today. I told him I couldn't put myself through it anymore. It seems I am the only one suffering from the loss anyway. Thanks for the advice. I have been through a divorce, but I didn't love him like this, but I can make it just fine. I have survived worse things.

I am sorry for your situation. I identify with a lot of your feelings and have always identified myself as the aspie barnacle as far as my emotional loyalties fall... but they never seem to be mirrored and i always feel compelled to just swallow my irrational (?) crazitude. i'm not sure of BPD for myself, but i have strong fear of abandoment amongst some other traits and i hope you at least take comfort in that i couldn't tell what else i would do in your situation. im sorry things were not mutual, i guess. i went through 3 yrs of strong depression the last time i lost someone and it brought out a lot of my anxious aspie traits... meltdowns, pacing, and obbsessive thoughts and i still dont know really how to break the cycle... yet somehow, when it all crashes down around... i am thankful for the solitude. i feel like such an odd mix of cold (as in foreign) emotions that just seem to whirl all around. i blame my heart cause i can never come to see the other person's point of view.

if you are still living with him... perhaps it's best to just do that and not consider anything else. just be? i have lived with bfs for yrs at a time before i even know what AS was and i certainly did go through withdrawl cycles... i think most regular people don't even realize the importance of space. i find it funny, cause that is how i make friendships with animals... pets always love me. you have to respect their space (whether closing the gap or giving them birth)... but for humans, the social creatures, this is a more abstract concept and fumbling is inevitable.

i think the hardest thing with AS or BPD is the black and white thinking... perhaps both of you are just calling it as it seems but more processing is necessary.

i hope things sort out and that not all is lost.

I don't know. After I broke it off, I called him because I just can't be without him (sad, I know), and he admitted that he did not want to end everything. He said he was definitely interested in pursuing a relationship. However, he still wants to be alone right now, and that is the main issue with us is that he has this intense conflict between wanting me in his life and wanting to be alone so he can just exist as he did when he was single. I moved out permanently and will not return until he figures things out. It is kind of nice not having to play housekeeper because I swear trash just fell around him wherever he went. The place is a total pigsty, now, but it's not my problem. I am a little worried, though, that he may get evicted because he is not mowing the lawn either. He is also drinking and smoking - two things I don't agree with because I was once an alcoholic and I have severe asthma. He swears he will quit, and he still lies to me on a regular basis about stupid stuff (like canceling a date because he was sick, and I knew he was lying so I came over and outed him - he was drinking and playing video games - I mean, why lie about that?). Now, there is no certainty about marriage or kids (we would already be married and would have tried to conceive by IVF on the 30th of this month) and I am beside myself. He hugs me and tries to comfort, but I have to tell him when I need it or when I need him to show me love. He is more likely to show anger or apathy before love. So now I'm in some confusing limbo of no answers and no definite future. I choose to stay in it for now because I have a sliver of hope that is dwindling to a point of nothing. I don't understand what is going on, and worse is that he now won't even accept the possibility of Asperger's because he feels I will only stay if something is wrong with him. So, I'm not sure how to go about with that, either. All I know is that I don't think anything is going to come of this and I am putting myself through hell for nothing, but I can't give up and wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck around through this. This really sucks. Um, I'm just rambling, so I don't expect anyone will have answers. I am just seeking support, hopefully also from others experiencing similar hells. I'm not calling or texting him, and I'm leaving it up to him to make any contact. Meanwhile, I am dying inside and it hurts so very bad, especially since I am alone in these feelings and coping with them. I always thought a relationship was a partnership, too, but I know that this is so much different because of our issues. Thanks, Sedaka, for identifying with me, it feels good to know others can survive this.

I understand how painful this whole thing must be for you.

I'm an aspie guy, but rather than avoid permanent relationships I tend to rather obsess over them. I was in a horrifyingly co-dependent relationship with someone I thought to be a very sweet young lady. Things happened, though, and our relationship eventually became very strained. We reached a point in our relationship at which she began making promises, such as "Things will get better if.." Well, all the "ifs" came and went and things only kept getting worse. The only thing maybe I regret is that she had threatened to leave me so many times and I'd beg her not to--we'd have things patched up after 5-15 minutes, and then 4 hours later we'd be on to a different crisis--and then I reached a point when I'd had enough and I left her, no second chances. If I had it all to do over again, I'd have been the one to make the threats. I think maybe I was more afraid of being alone than I was being with someone who treated me lower than dirt. I made it very clear that the relationship had run its course and there was no looking back. The thing of it, though, was that I still loved her deeply. On the one hand, I loved her enough to cut her loose. On the other hand, I came to my senses long enough to understand what a poisonous relationship IS and why being alone and loveless is preferable to the situation I was in! We were six weeks away from getting married. Rather than waiting for the ideal time to get married, she worked hard at moving the date up. I think deep down she knew our days were numbered and was trying to expedite the nuptials in order to keep that from happening.

If you want to know what that relationship was like, watch Teen Mom. Amber and Gary have a nightmarish, destructive relationship that echoes eerily of the relationship I'm talking about.

Later on that year, I began in earnest getting to know the woman I eventually DID marry. We've had a strained on-again, off-again relationship for a number of years. In the end, we found ourselves to be more best friends than anything else. We agreed, after I'd spent two years away from her, that we didn't really want to be with anyone else. So we ended our beautiful friendship, threw caution to the wind, and got married! I mean, sure we "love" each other, but you have to understand that romantic love is only a TINY part of what makes our relationship work. Love alone is simply not enough. We fight, just like many other couples do, but it's more about whose turn it is to change the diaper THIS time. Most of our conflicts are resolved by the classic playground "not it" game (whoever gets his/her finger to his/her nose in time is "not it" and thus exempt from whatever unfortunate task must be handled at the moment; the last one to do so is "it" and must call HazMat to assist with the nasty cleanup du jour). We're so distracted by our kids that we really don't have that much to fight about anymore! Disagreements have always been rare between us, anyway.

From what I've experienced in life, it doesn't sound to me like the relationship you're in right now can possibly have a happy ending. It just doesn't sound like a fight you can possibly win together. Maybe I'm wrong, but yours doesn't sound like a very loving relationship. Sure, you love him. But you sound like a very sweet person who deserves someone who can reciprocate your feelings. In general, I'd advise getting out of the relationship and not allowing any contact whatsoever--ignore text messages, don't answer the phone if you know it's him, hang up if you don't know and it IS him, move emails to a different folder or delete without reading, avoid places he enjoys (coffee shops, bars), avoid places where you spend a lot of time together, and all that sort of thing. Give it a good month and a half, say, 40 days. Decide that you'll do this a MINIMUM of that time frame and STICK TO IT. Familiarity breeds contempt, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. You might find things are much better after that. But one danger sign I'd always warn about is the feeling that "you can't live without someone." It's a powerful emotion, and these kinds of decisions are not best made when high emotions cloud your judgment. From what you've told us, I really do see your path leading elsewhere.

I really do try to be supportive and optimistic, but every now and then tough choices have to be made. I really do wish you the best and will be glad to offer any encouragement I can! Good luck!

You have got to dump him and move on. Not only are you on a clock, but he's not ready to commit. It may be an age issue, a maturity issue or he just doesn't think you're "the one" for him.

It's going to hurt, and hurt a lot for months if not a year. But you'll heal and you will find someone else to support you and who matches your hopes.

Dragging out what you've been through is going to hurt a lot longer - and if you do get married, then the pain will last literally years if not decades longer. From what you describe, I seriously do not see a cause to change. Worse is if you bring a child into the world and things don't change. You'll do no one, and the child, any good.

He has broken my heart so many times. I can't do this anymore. I don't want anyone but him, but I will have to move on. I am crying so hard. He is so cruel and heartless and non-sympathetic. He doesn't believe he has Asperger's anyway, my bringing it up to help him backfired and now he is using every excuse in the book for his behavior being related to the condition. He also cruelly said tonight that he was just doingit so I would get sick of the behavior and give up on the idea he is Aspie. Well, he's not ready for me, and he's not ready to see himself. I am so hurt right now.

Well, we are still trying even after that. He actually told me last week that he has been thinking about me all the time. That is something I've always wished to hear from him. He is being more loving, and I know it can't last, but seeing and hearing what he feels and what he wants is helping me. I still struggle. The other night, I was in tears and he was completely oblivious to how he hurt me or why I was hurt. I tried to explain, but he was too preoccupied with his game to stay in the conversation. I sat and cried for some time, sorrowful that there would be many times that I would feel that way and he would not know or be able to care. For example, if he is tired, then it is absolutely impossible to discuss anything important or of concern - he will just become irritable or shut off. However, I also realized that I know he loves me, and maybe having those other things aren't essential all the time. He is pretty good about giving hugs when I cry (which he did at that time, too), and he is also good at cuddling or doing something if I really need it. However, expecting him to just drop everything to do what I want him to when I want him to isn't realistic or fair, so I need to re-evaluate how I'm approaching things. I think we could possibly work this out as long as I make sure that I am getting some needs fulfilled some of the time and it's not completely lopsided to where only he gets what he wants. This is a hopeful revelation for me. Anyone who is NT and in love with someone on the ASD spectrum, you might want to read "The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome." It didn't change my life or anything, but it has been helping with perspective. It's short and simple, too.

I dont know if my situation is similar to yours or not, but I just got out of a long, drawn out on/off relationship with this woman that kept changing her mind about me. My feelings for her were fairly constant throughout (and still are, to be completely honest), but she would keep having times where she couldn't get enough of me and times where she just broke it off entirely (only to come back later). I kept putting in more effort to make it work. My reward: she went and hooked up with some guy from her college. At least she had the decency to definitively break it off before getting with him...

Anyway, I digress. My point is that people like my ex and this guy you're talking about often don't realize what you're providing until you're not there anymore. Don't let this turnaround fool you... if you get back with him, he will eventually revert to form.

OP, I feel badly for you. I know you're in pain, but I have to ask: why are you willing to settle for this man? I know you fell in love with him years ago - but is the man he is today the man you thought you were getting when you fell in love with him? If you met him today, would you still fall in love with him?

No, I never would have given him a chance if I hadn't met him online first. His first visit was fraught with faux pas, misunderstandings, and we almost broke up very early on. I even accused him of being a liar because what I thought he was when we courted online was nothing like what he turned out to be when he moved in with me. No, I probably would not fall in love with him if I just met him at this point in time. I don't know for sure, though, it's hard to see very clearly when I am so completely in love with him. I just don't think I can handle letting go of our future together. I don't want my children to look like anyone else. I want to look at my children and see him. I want to stand across from him under the roof of a church and say "I do" and know that somewhere inside, he is happy that I said it. Don't all of you with Asperger's want someone to love you like that? I mean, isn't that the only way that someone with Asperger's can get a lasting relationship is if the NT is completely devoted and committed to an insane level like I am? If I was like any other NT, would I even give someone in the ASD spectrum a chance? I do not mean to come across in a bad way at all. I am not able to express what I'm trying to say, so please understand that those last sentences were not meant as insulting or assumptive or anything. Maybe someone else can help me get that last part right.