I am really tired of love

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And yet I am devastatingly lonely.
It is obvious that when I seek a sense of justice that can't be fulfilled, I will continue to feel sorrow.
It does make me somewhat depressed that I got my ex gifts and stuff when I was with her, and the whole thing falls apart anyway.

What does stress and one mental state of thinking I'm not compatible really have to do with anything though?

I could go through a bucket load of depression being with someone, question everything about the relationship and still be hard pushed to leave, and if I left chances are I would end up coming back anyway.

I am emotionally fed up.
There aren't many things I find more frustrating that looking for answers and finding none, because the context of what I'm searching answers for doesn't compute with my ex girlfriend.

I find the whole thing to be null and void of purpose - what the heck is even the point anyway?

And why do people grieve for this kind of thing? I mean i do it all the time, but what is it about us humans that makes this kind of thing so ridiculously difficult?

I'm wasting too much emotional energy on all of this past stuff.

I question the integrity of the situation that hath befallen me.

I must go to bed - my hours are appalling, and it's not always due to a mood of any sort - I just go to bed late anyway. *Shrugs*

Is it such a big ask to want to be taken care of emotionally?
It is not as if that is the area of emotional care that I am good at dealing with... I put pain to music and literature, I do not deal with it in a manner that means remaining calm or knowing who I really am.
Is there so much wrong with wanting to be childlike and fragile?
All of these rules and things are making me tired and agitated.
I want to be looked after when I feel too emotionally fragile to know how to, and of course ultimately - I want a source of justice.

I guess I'm always going to be an acquired taste in reality.

I feel a song coming on and that song is
"Love Is Not Enough" by Nine Inch Nails

I can't help you find the right person. It's tough for all of us. But I can suggest a different way of looking at things.

How does being upset over past, failed relationships help you? There is grieving time, of course, but after that point - how does it help you get to where you want to be in life to continually mull it over and try to figure out where it went wrong? The relationship has ended. You are better off not getting back with any of your ex-girlfriends, unless they have changed - if they haven't, the relationship would go the exact same way, eventually. I find it helpful to consider my emotions as logically as possible - how does this emotion help me? Does it put me on the path to where I want to be in life? Sometimes it's just impossible, but when you find yourself upset over something weeks and months later, it's easier.

You had terrible learning experiences. Learn from them. And for now, work on growing, by yourself. Get stronger alone. Once you can be independently happy (or relatively so) you will be more likely to find someone else that "gets" you. And even if you don't, you are happy on your own. This is where I struggle. I can't seem to be happy alone anymore, and it's one of the many things putting a strain on my relationship with my long-term boyfriend. "Normal" people don't like to be needed.

You poetic lonely poor whale, come to my pool.

There are support systems for that (perhaps here? I dunno maybe it works for you maybe it doesn't). But within a relationship, yea, those things usually don't fly if they are regular occurrences.

If you learn how to handle those things on your own (which it does definitely sound like you have some outlets for, which is awesome), and you act accordingly under most circumstances and make it implicitly known, then when things are dire someone will see the vulnerability as something unusual and serious, and they will likely be more than willing to help.

It's "nice" to be able to lean on someone at every opportunity, but ultimately you are probably shooting yourself in the foot by doing so. No one wants to deal with that constantly. And at the same time, it's nicer to be able to work thru (if not actually "solve") these problems yourself.

I don't at all mean to sound disparaging on this, I get what you're saying entirely, and I feel like I can relate because it sounds like me when I was around your age. What happened with me, and what happened with most people I know, is that they hardened like crazy with experience in subsequent years: stronger as a person, and potentially more desirable, if that's what you're going for.

Look ahead, not backward. You'll harden, you'll develop new "wants" and probably have a better perspective on how to achieve them, you'll be better for the experience even if the end result is not what's ideal for you at this very moment.


I just looked back at nekowafer's post and realized I'm saying largely the same thing That's OK though, I'll post mine anyway if only to further support for that perspective.

Best of luck.