My trouble with women

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My fellow Aspergians, I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket here. Whenever I want to chat up a girl, I always feel paralyzed and end up not doing so out of fear that I might come off as a creepy stalker, even though I mean well. On top of that, I can't seem to help but get all worked into an emotional froth over any woman I take a liking to. And when I do want to talk her up, I still feel like I don't know how to go about it without seeming all creepy. Furthermore, whenever anyone tells me that X girl likes me, I get very skeptical and need proof. Is this even normal? It feels so illogical.

I'm the exact same way, including the skepticism. I was about to make a topic about this as well as I'm in this exact situation with a girl I like at the moment. I'll be getting ready in the morning and think to myself "Alright, just one little conversation, or a quick Hi. No problem!" but when the time comes I just basically become paralyzed as you said. And then I feel kinda down afterwards thinking I don't have the courage to talk to her. Just trying to boost my confidence a bit which is slowly helping...

Wouldn't be nearly as difficult if she started the conversation first. But anyways, I shouldn't convert your thread into my blog...


You're not alone, my fellow Aspergian, and I wish you luck

Yes, I felt this way too, when I was younger. If it was just a girl that I had no romantic designs for, no problem. If I liked her, or thought she might like me, suddenly everything changed, and I could barely speak. One thing you can try to do is just talk to her like you would one of your male friends. "Hey, what's up?" or "Man, I hate this class" or whatever you would say if the stakes weren't so high. If she responds in kind, good. If she blows you off, then she's not someone to bother with.

And how are you building up your confidence?

It's always seemed strange that the man should take the lead.

I have a friend who understands and is helping me with small talk. I have a habit of ending a conversation by saying stuff like "Them: And then I did blah." "Me: Cool." *Conversation killed* as well as just starting the conversation. Might try talking to girls I know but aren't attracted to as that might help lessen my fear of women

Also starting to work out more (I'm rather skinny so yeah... Obviously having a little muscle won't hurt). Using expensive cologne and such (Nothing extreme though).

Basically working on my talking while also making myself look more presentable. Practicing my social skills is really difficult but if I can overcome the anxiety then it'll be well worth it! I'm sure some people who read this might think I'm going overboard but it's helping me


I wouldn't highly recommend that as advice though. Working on talking is the major part but for me I also worry about my appearance when I talk to pretty girls. It's obvious I'm not a ladies man or anything, so do whatever will work best for you




Thanks for the advice




Too true. When the girl strikes up the conversation I know she's having conversation because she wants to, which removes a lot of the anxiety

Totally normal, totally illogical.

Humans are supposed to be social creatures, which means we crave and use social interactions to continue the species. It would be a given that our penchant for any type of anti-social behavior (especially those which prevent us from passing on our genes) would have died out thousands of years ago.

But here we are. Kids, young adults and even adults all can and do lack multiple social graces. We don't know how to eat with the right fork (salad versus shrimp versus dinner), keep our elbows off the table, discard gristle at the table, or chat up the pretty young lass...

Without experience. We don't kill people, throw a fast ball or know how to kill a chicken. Yet once someone teaches us, it's fairly straightforward. We practice and practice and practice until it becomes second nature and we don't consciously think about it.

What does that mean? Just get out there and do it. It's tough, awkward and scary at first. But the initial "striking up a conversation" moves down the priority list until "how do I keep her interested" takes precedence which then moves down as "how do I ask her out without sounding ret*d" becomes the priority.

Again, it's just experience. You do it enough, practice a little and you'll be fine.

Illogical because we shouldn't need to do this due to our "nature", but even our "nature" needs a little "nurture.

Sounds like the way I was as a teenager.

I think mostly it's the "getting worked up into an emotional froth" that causes most of the trouble. For reasons best known to NTs, potential partners don't usually like you to be interested in them to that extent....I guess either it scares them off ("what will he do if I say no?"), or they just think "oh, he's eating out of my hand, so I'll put him on hold while I check out the competition, in case there's somebody more suitable, then I can accept him if I can't find anything better."

But given that her saying "yes" or "no" can change your life beyond recognition, it seems counter-intuitive to play down your interest. Once I'm hooked, all I can think of is how much better life would be if only she'd accept me, and before I know where I am, I've developed a crush. Then when I've finally got wnat I wanted, it turns out that all along she'd felt the same about me but "naturally" didn't want me to know that.

It got less of a problem as I got older - I guess it's only really intense while you're young and inexperienced. Another thing that helped was to try to avoid coning down on one potential partner too quickly......I always want to do that, but it's often reduced the "crush" intensity when I've found another lady to hang out with - it's easier to keep my head above water when I don't have just the one to get all stuck on. But you have to watch what you do - don't want to put off the favourite by making her think I'm going elsewhere. Also it's often hard to engineer things so that there's any choice!

It seems important to convey strong but finite interest in them - and mostly I've had to resort to hiding the strength of my feelings. Not ideal at all, but I didn't write the rules. The main thing is to make sure they know that you won't collapse or have a meltdown just because she says no. It's probably mostly the pressure that puts them off.

Disgusting.



I think it's reasonably normal.

I have the exact same problem. Always.

You are as normal as pie ala mode. What makes you think you'll come off as a creepy stalker? If you want to talk to a girl, talk to her as if she were a female relative you met at a wedding. If she likes you, she'll talk more. Be patient. If something is going to get somewhere, it will. As far as not believing someone likes you seems to come from adolescence to where kids were VERY fickle or just played a headgame with you. Relax. You have as much right to breath Earth's air as everyone else has.

I've mostly been talking to girls I know from work (Read: Current and former co-workers) over Facebook whenever I'm off the clock. Last year, I had this same problem with one girl, who took it as stalking (i.e., commenting on several of her status posts), even though I meant well. It makes me feel like my approach is not what's expected of someone like me--like it's somehow wrong for me to chat up a girl.

In general it's less creepy to talk than not to talk. Girls may not like you anyway, some might even think you're creepy anyway, but not talking is always worse. Of course initiating conversation is easier said than done, but you must realise this first.

If you're not talking about anything sexual, and you're not asking personal questions to strangers, being seen as creepy regardless on the first conversation would be more of a reflection on them than on you. (Women you've had a few conversations with who want nothing to do with you, but have not been able to convey this to you, might get more sympathy) Break in by asking general questions about the situation, such as on the weather or the setting, and then making them more specific with the flow of conversation.

I don't know about you, but I find that if I become attracted to a woman, I typically stay attracted indefinitely (at least a little bit). Many women, on the other hand, seem to be more fickle. Even if a girl likes you now she might not like you later. And you are relying on a second-hand source which itself may be anecdotal in nature. So you are right to be skeptical. But at the same time, if you think she's cute, at least feel encouraged to talk to her (as if your conversation with your friend never happened) and see if she behaves differently than girls who are obviously not attracted to you.

A lot of people are weird with Facebook in that they are not really sure how public they'd want their statuses to be. Thus they might see friends who they do not regard as very close commenting on all their statuses to be an intrusion on their privacy. Moreover, commenting on loads of status updates may be construed as unambiguous strong interest, which is fine if it's reciprocated but unsettling if it's not. Personally I prefer face-to-face communication.

I really don't like the fact that some women tend to demand perfect confidence in a man, like men aren't supposed to have any issues with themselves but women can have all the issues with themselves that they want. I'm not saying that's the real case, but it sure feels that way sometimes.

What? Why?

Play on words, assuming a sexual connotation hence the "disgusting" which is meant in good humor/jest. Culturally (e.g. English not America) "sticky wicket" meant difficult situation whereas in the US its kinda gross.