How did you find girlfriends

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To those who have had girlfriends, especially if you met them in the last 2 years, how and where did you meet them? What did they like about you? What made them attracted to you?

The reason I ask this is because I've gone on for years without any success trying to find even one woman who I could relate to. I had a few female friends at university in 2006 when the Student Union was alive and rock music was popular but now the student union has closed down. None of the societies are any good either because the people formed their own little groups within the first few days of term and I just didn't fit in.

I live in the UK and I go out several times a week to pubs to sing. I can sing quite well. I have been given free beer on occasion by people who liked my performances. However, all the girls I meet never come back from one week to the next. I might chat to a girl but I never get to see her again. People have always said the pub's not the best place to meet girls. If not, what places are better?

I don't like clubbing and I hate pretty much all the music in the charts because it's all rap/rnb/hiphop/dance/etc. I listen to rock but it's not that popular anymore. The university's Alt Rock society also disappeared this year. I try to believe there is more to people my age [20-30] than this but the outcome is always the same.

A few other questions to go with it:
1. Do I have any chance whatsoever of finding a girlfriend without being on Facebook?
2. Are there any places in the UK where rock/metal music is more popular?
3. Are there places in the UK where people are more friendly and not so clicky/judgemental?

Online. I think what they liked about me was I was down to earth and honest, according to them. According to me they probably just felt like any nicer men would cheat on them.

1. I've never even considered facebook as a dating tool. It doesn't seem particularly suited to it.
2. There's probably a club in your town that has a night devoted to it. Ask around.
3. I don't think so. Not to any great extent. People are people wherever you go. You might find some people or groups or cultures a bit more open to meeting new people.

If you talk to a girl you're getting on with at the pub, then why wait for her to come back next time? Tell her you've really enjoyed talking to her, and that you'd like to do it again sometime. If she agrees, you exchange e-mail/phone numbers.

You're interest in music seems a little rigid; how about loosening up, and enjoying yourself no matter what the music is?

I met a girl on a roleplaying site, and a second on a dating site,sadly I'm still single now.

I met my last girlfriend at a bookstore. We had a lot in common, and I was going somewhere and invited her to follow me, and things just clicked. Everything was in perfect alignment. She has since broken up with me, but I'm a writer, so when I try to look for girls, the place I most often look are bookstores and libraries.

I can't really give you much advice to look. I guess it depends on your personality. I wish there were places other than libraries and bookstores for me to look, but I seem to have the most success talking to girls there, especially bookstores because they tend to have a coffee shop, and I can ask her if she would like to have coffee with me right on the spot.

My thoughts on this --

Most of the time, I met my girlfriends in class or at work. In other words, locations that gave both genders a legitimate excuse to chat each other up and get to know each other over a longer period of time. I met my wife totally randomly though (on a walk in the neighborhood), so clearly there are exceptions to the rule.

I can very much relate to what you are complaining about, and I've posted a lot here in response to people's issues -- you might want to look up some of my older posts (though maybe not the ones where I'm fighting with other members of the forum )

While I can't comment RE: the UK (I live in the U.S.), what I can't help notice about the situation you describe (which is very similar to others here, and me during my "down" period) is that your activities are somewhat limited in terms of opportunities for someone to get to know you without it outright looking like they want to date you.

What you have to do is think from the other person's side (the person you would like to see try to date you), and see what the obstacles might be, depending on the circumstances.

Case in point -- you sing at a bar a lot. Great! I think it's really awesome that you are able to summon up the courage to sing, and sing well, in front of total strangers -- you are to be commended, and in other circumstances, this will help you. However, pubs/bars being the notorious pickup places, the women that you meet are both itinerant, and at risk if they are direct and ask you out. Do you ever ask them for their numbers?

I say this because in the Western world, it's still pretty much accepted that the man is supposed to make the first move. Women, just like men, don't like to be rejected, and if a woman is too forthcoming, it could be taken the wrong way by her peers and passerby as her being promiscuous or overly flirty. I know, it's not fair, but that's reality. However, if you give someone a legitimate excuse to talk to you, like being long-term members of a group of people who go out and do karaoke/pub singing, other activities, etc., you get a chance to develop a relationship with that person, let them warm up to you, get to know you, and eventually date you.

Dating is seldom immediate. The places where people do the instant hookups/one night stands are places you dislike, like parties and clubs. I'm with you that these places are not fun or enjoyable for people like us. However, you need to find the toned-down, Aspie equivalent -- interest groups, student government, etc. Even if it's slightly boring for you, it opens up opportunities for social contacts, to get to know people, get to know their friends, etc.

All of my GF's became so over some longer period of time. You need to create situations where you get to know other people more intimately, but without the pressure to make it work out with one specific person. And you need to ask for numbers if and when you think someone might like you. Someone buying you beer is a pretty good sign that maybe they like you a bit, even if only as a friend, and it's worth letting people know when you are going to be at the pub again. A woman won't go to the pub night after night just to see you -- she'll seem desperate. But if she knows you are there every Wednesday, etc., then maybe some of your fans will "happen" to be there on the same day by "coincidence," and things can roll on from there.

Does this help?

I am not one to pick up somebody that I haven't gotten enough time to know them.

Take a class and chat it up. Ask out for lunch. Hit it off. Ask for a date.

Join a participation club. I joined a club that I found on a flyer at my old gym. Bunch of singles joined to go hiking and see nature. Good place to get to know someone without being rushed.

The gym. Not my favorite place but people do. Good place to show off and help someone in need of assistance. Same while running in the park. More people will start up a conversation out of the blue if you share a common activity.

I met some good people doing Habitat for Humanity over the summer. Other volunteer stuff that gives you a chance to talk and get to know someone.

Do your daily stuff in a place where you raise the chances of meeting someone. For example, eat a diner or deli where you can a counter or bar. Walk your dog at the park. Chat with people if you can and improve your communication while at the store, library, etc.

I usually meet women in college courses/extracurricular groups, etc...

I met my previous girlfriend in "Venture Crew" (Co-Ed Boy Scouts, if you will ).

I found all my relationships online, on dating sites, to be exact. Now, as a lot of people pointed out, they're usually ineffective. But in my case, I got fairly decent success out of them by lowering my standards. I'd message girls who I figured I had a good chance with, but not necessarily was attracted to. I knew how to overcome my "natural" feelings, and date someone who showed interest in me. After all, I was well aware of the fact that I may not find another girl who likes me in a very long time, leaving me pretty much with the options of "now or never". I chose "now", and had some good relationships. One time, the girl even admitted that it was the best relationship she's ever been in. Each time, however, they ended up breaking up with me, but not before all the "relationship things" had a chance to happen.

I justify my method with a simple fact that I treat my girlfriends very well. I give them the same romance, commitment, and gifts I'd give them if I were attracted to them. Never is there any manipulation: just two people exchanging something they can give for something they want: me, giving romance and commitment and getting sex and physical affection, and her, vice versa.

They found me
One found me at work. She was a co-op student. She saw me as more than I was.
Two found me at work. Same job. Long story. Basically she wanted a reason to turn down Ivan for a group-work-social event, but had fun with me that night so kept me around... for a while.
Three had a room to rent. (Warning: don't sleep with your roomates!)
Four was .. well four wasn't a girlfriend in the intimate sense. I sold her roomate a chinchilla.
Five met me in an online game. She decided I was good and smart and that I listened. That's not enough for a long distance relationship to last. Even if you meet IRL a few times.

found mine on Myspace.
We just started talking about stuff and it turned out that we had alot in common.
She even had AS too. I decided she was a keeper, and quite cute, so i asked her out & she said yes .
we just kinda clicked. She said she'd initially added me on myspace because she thought i was cute and sounded like an interesting person from looking at my profile.
Anyways, we've been dating long-distance about 10 months now, and she's talking about wanting us to get married someday. She's my world. Best decision i've ever made.

My first was a friend, turned out we had a mutual attraction and eventually managed to express that to each other. Others I've met through a variety of ways, several were introduced by mutual friends, I had a few bar hookups, had quite a bit of success with online dating, and met my fiance on Craigslist. At one point I had a pretty good guide up in this section about the right way to meet people through Craigslist, I'm thinking about digging it up and revising it, since I think it would be highly useful for a lot of people in here. Perhaps I'll request a sticky, I'm sure a lot more people would appreciate that type of guide than an alpha male pick up guide...

I would appreciate that.

Thanks for all the tips. Some seem quite helpful though I guess it will be a lot of work for me to find useful opportunities.

I wasn't saying Facebook was a viable dating site. I meant, I don't use Facebook at all. I don't have an account and the whole social networking idea just doesn't do it for me. I was wondering if I had any chance of getting a girlfriend although I don't have a Facebook. Because I only see what goes on outside of Facebook, I don't really know half of what the young generation do these days.



I can relate to the points you are making here. I have no interest in one night stands anyway. I've been going to pubs and whatnot with the view of getting to know people over a period of time but I find people just come and go in the pubs. The regulars are too old for me. I also wish I could meet girls in class but I study Computer Science and all the classes are 1:10 girls to men. I haven't ever worked and in spite of tens of interviews I've been to, I just can't get accepted into part time/placement jobs.

Someone also mentioned that my taste in music might be rigid. To clarify, I like almost any type of music - rock, heavy metal, folk, country, classical, JPop, indonesian, 80s, 70s, and so on. The only type I don't like is rap/rnb/hiphop/dance. If that makes my tastes rigid, then I really am in the wrong country.

Bookstores/parks/etc sound feasible although I'm not really sure people would just chat to each other and expect the other person to be trustworthy. In England, everyone is vigilant and if a stranger talks to you (especially if it's a man who appears socially awkward), they might be perceived as trying to rob or rape you. If you know a county in the UK where strangers can actually chat to each other, please enlighten me.

I met my girlfriends on the internet mostly, they liked me and were attracted to me because they thought I was sweet and romantic, and in some cases interesting.



1) Of course! A girl's not gonna say "sorry, I like you and everything, but I just can't go out with someone who isn't on Facebook"
2) No idea
3) Umm, autism groups?

When you meet and chat to these girls, do you ever ask if you could see them again, i.e. ask them for a date?