Interesting Situation #2

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Of course, some of you know about the single mother who answered my personal ad last week.

Yesterday, a woman replied to my profile on hi5.com. She lives in the Houston area. The thing we have in common is our interest in geology. I am 26 years old, she is 34 years old. She and I are just friends now--I would never pursue romantic with anyone I have only known for one day. I would wait 2-3 weeks before even meeting in person for the first time.

But should we decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend, there are two issues I need some advice on:

a) How and when do I let her know about AS?

b) How much of a factor should the 8-year age difference be in the relationship?

Tim

None at all, depending on what you're looking for in the relationship, and possibly none even if you're looking for a romantic connection. I get along much better with persons older than myself as it seems that they tend to be much more sensible and interested in things that are actually interesting than most of my peers. As far as the romance goes, however, there would definitely be two things that would give me pause, though they might not for you. The first is the question of reproduction: If I were to pursue such a relationship, the fact that this woman is approaching the end of the years wherein she is most fertile, able to endure a pregnancy with the least hardship, and less likely to suffer a pregnancy that results in a genetically compromised child would make me think long and hard about whether or not I am interested in rearing biological offspring. Take into account a couple years of courting in order to figure things out and this question comes even more to the fore. The second thing that I would think about, though not something I claim to my credit, is physical attraction. For a man, twenty-six is still quite young while thirty-four for a woman is not. Unfair as it is, that is simply the way things are. As has been said:



That being said, certainly everyone ages differently and has different habits that affect his or her preservation but being that I have endeavored in the past to attempt the "noble" thing and tell myself that the physical aspect isn't important, hard experience tells me that it is and that it is unwise to pretend otherwise. When you are thirty-two and she is forty, a disparity in this area could create problems and should not be overlooked. But, then again, none of this may matter at all. I simply present them as two things to consider.

Good luck.

The age difference is unimportant unless you want children, in which case it is devastating. If you are unsure then you can ponder it for a bit. Seeing as I have never known anyone interested in geology, I think you might have a rarity on your hands. Personal advice is to ignore any urge to have kids and go for it. As for telling her about autism, she shouldn't mind much. You can even use it as an excuse if you badly screw something up. Consider it an amoral Get Out of Jail Free card.

This behavior would put off any other person who is worth spending time with. I think you should tell her during your first or second meeting, before she is committed to anything, instead of holding a "get out of jail free card" over her. It is best to be totally honest from the outset, no matter how much of an Oliver Shagnasty you are trying to be.

The age difference will have a different "atomic mass" in each relationship. People age at different rates and not always in a cute way. Imagine yourself hitting some form of middle age crazy in your 40s and seeking to re-live some of your lost youth while being involved with a post menopausal woman. No offense intended to our mothers, but 5hit like that happens. With that said, my wife is 8 years younger than I am and I'm the luckiest man alive.

That does not mean you must disclose everything at the start. People are entitled to privacy (within reason).

I don't stand a chance, I really like a 45 year old I met on holiday, not only their is an age difference of 12 years but she live 5 hours away. I really like her

Very true! Especially if your reasoning is also honest.

I mainly mean that before it ever becomes an issue it should be disclosed, as well as unemployment, stuttering, piercings, bad dietery habits, obsessive interests, amputations, fertility, and any other possible deal breakers that you can think of. Most people will accept many deviations from their ideally conceived mate if they haven't been fooled by a suitor.

Common interests will take you a long way down the track. Hiding the truth will stop the train.

Here is an update on the girl from hi5:

She went on a family vacation on Labor Day weekend, and the last time I heard from her was on Monday, Sep 4th. Her profile said that was the last time she was online, and her relationship status was still "single".

If she is, in fact, not interested--I am once again limiting my girlfriend search to other Aspies.

Tim