Not initiating sex

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I have not had this problem with anyone else I've been with except my husband. He thinks he has Asperger's, but it is not confirmed (and I agree with him). The problem is that he never initiates sex, it feels like he's not that interested in it. Everything is fine once we have started and there aren't any hang ups there, but it seems like I'm the one who always has to initiate it or it never happens. This leads me to feel really bad about myself, unattractive to him, etc. I was wondering if this was a common thing? I am trying to be understanding of him. Any insight would be great.

And if this has nothing to do with Asperger's, I apologize, I do not know much about it, and I'm just trying to get a better understanding. Thanks.

I have a male friend with PDD-NOS who will not make any type of move on a woman. Because he can't read when it is appropriate to do so, he's afraid of being labeled as a creep or accused of sexual harassment.

It is probably that your husband just can't read when you would like him to make a move and doesn't want to upset you.

Quoted for truth*, this is exactly what I'm like in a relationship - can't 'read the signals' and don't want to push too hard

*and edited for clarity

Last edited by DogDaySunrise on 01 Aug 2010, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've only really had one relationship but in that I didn't initiate really, I'd often hug her more and maybe caress a non-intimate part of her to try to get her to but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it myself.

I was extremely attracted to her and and would have probably had more regular sex in the relationship if I didn't have this issue!

Hi..

I came here to find out more info as well, the people here are really great. So far I have always had at least a couple people answer my questions, or at least try to respond to them. I have been a member on many different types of sites and I honestly feel this is one of the most excepting, open-minded, understanding and helpful I have ever been a part of.

I truly believe, that for this place, there is no stupid question, or wrong question. And I have asked some kind of odd questions and have said some really odd things.


As for your question, I know that I have had relationships with two confirmed of the spectrum and possibly more (maybe all?) and they were all individual.
One or two, I had to be very straight forward with, others not so much.

What does he say when you talk to him about this?

The above posters got it right. One common theme amongst most on the autistic spectrum is the complete or near-complete inability to recognize subconscious signals. I know it to be especially true in my case. I don't even want to say hi to a passing woman on the street for fear of a restraining order or lawsuit. I can't even ask a woman out unless i know for a fact that she likes me, and usually by the time i've gotten wind of such, the window of opportunity has come and gone.

One way you could remedy your issues is to agree on a specifically pre-arranged signal. Something that doesn't necessarily have to be spoken, either... for example, you could tell him that if you're wearing that sexy lingerie you have, you're expecting some sweet loving in the near future, etc...

That said, don't be too afraid about initiating it, either. An aspie's lack of initiation doesn't necessarily correlate to a lack of attraction; rather, initiating it yourself will probably raise his attraction to you, as your starting it yourself is the one undisputable signal that you want it. And aspies are definitely attracted to concrete 100% certain answers...

I absolutely agree with this!

the only way i could tell if somebody wanted to make whoopie with me was if they just said [either out loud or written on a notepad which they then handed to me] they wanted to to make whoopee with me. anything short of that fails to make the connection with me.

I really don't like to. The way I see it I'm always in the mood and most women aren't so they should rather than me pressure them into it. I will make a move if I have to though. When I'm living with a girlfriend I won't sleep if I can't sleep with her first.

Fortunately for me while I guess I can't read the signals most of the girls I'm with can tell how I feel from day one.

having asperger's syndrome, it has brought me a lot of tough s**t and depression, and i'm goign through a lot of it right now. people think i'm a creep and i can feel it too and i have a hard time around new people, but it's no problem around people who know me very well. i was dating a girl for about 2 month and she thought it wouldn't work out and that the relationship was going more towards a friendship than a relationship. i blame asperger's syndrome partly for this. i had a hard time since i have a really hard time knowing when it is appropriate for me to touch a girl, feel her, and i was scared s**t to rub her on the leg, shoulders, etc, because i was scared that if i did that, i would get charged with sexual harassment. but now i've finally realized that she liked me at the time so if i tried anything like that, she would welcome it, but obviously since i'm a logical man who is scared of the law, i can't ever intiiate anything intimiate. and since i have a hard time touching myself sometimes, i know how a girl would feel if i'm not comfortable with myself.

people say that my appearance isn't bad at all. but i definitely lack confidence and people look at me as a weird creep and don't seem to know what's going with me, but i can tell that they know something is wrong with me, they just don't know. but i don't care to let everyone in the world know who i am. and i am in a time in my life right now where i take everything so negatively. i mean i got a degree, drive a nice car, have a job, etc, but i just can't talk to people, or at least talk to people in a warm welcoming way that makes people comfortable. i'm a nice guy and help my friends even when they tell me i don't need to, yet, people aren't comfortable hanging out with me because they feel creepy vibes around me. it's hard as hell. the luxury life is not a happy life. i'd rather i can live a life where everyone welcomes my presence and don't see me as a creep than have all this luxury that has never made me happy.

the cure might be for me to stop staying home and going out more even if i have no one to hang out with.

i blame asperger's syndrome for my life and all the hardships and ordeals i've had to suffer. i can't even walk at a mall, a convention, in public, because i walk slowly like a creep and i can't even give eye contact because i'm awkward.

I have the same exact problem and it is another aspie so there are few signals to begin with-it can be very frustrating as I like this person and have no way to know how to proceed-I am way too shy to ask.