A comment on the "who has it worse" question...

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So I have seen a lot off arguing here over who has it worse when it comes to sex and relationships, men or women on the spectrum. I was going to clarify what I think on this issue:

First, there's a difference between saying men and women have it equally hard (or women maybe have it harder) getting relationships, and saying that men don't have it harder dealing with the opposite sex in general. While women may not be able to form lasting relationships, few of them will ever be totally rejected by the opposite sex in all forms. Most of them will be able to get sex, and even more so women will rarely have to go without a male body to touch in any manner (hug, give massages to, etc.). This means that women rarely will have to face the situation where they are so sexually frustrated that it interferes with their ability to approach men on a platonic level.

Then, there was some sort of comment that men don't want a woman with a male brain. If I'm any indication, the issue is mainly that we tend to not be interested in women who act male-brained yet at the same time want to be treated like a lady and don't have a matchingly high, male-type sex drive. So these sorts of women probably do have it quite difficult.

Now we come to the women whose thinking style, emotions, AND sexual attitudes are very male. These are the kind of autistic women who I think shouldn't have it that bad, at least not nearly as bad as us males with the same problem. But I'm starting to think that these have their problems too.

If they are pursuing women as partners, then they have the same issues as us males. If they are completely heterosexual, they may not have as much of an opportunity as us straight males to lean on other women to give them the feminine emotional energy that they lack themselves. Some might not even learn how to identify a loving relationship until after a long period of purely sexual involvement with men. I suspect many of these become "honorary bisexuals" for this reason.

The problem with this kind of threads is they're always written by a male who's convinced that the differences between males and females are purely biological.

I never said that. In fact, I was arguing that the differences in the social realities for men and women mean that even if they have the same way of thinking and a biological sex drive that works the same way, they will have different problems. The men will have more problems getting sex, while the women may have more difficulty getting people in their lives who will take care of the emotional issues that neither they nor the men they have sex with can address.

Does this even matter? Wtf is talking about it here going to do?

Yeah it may be easier for women.. if the women are only after hookups. I know I certainly don't like the hookup scene.

You're assuming that everyone on the planet has a top priority of sex, so, heaven forbid, women have it easier because most men think with their knobs!

I's hard for me to make close friends, get into loving relationships with a guy i'm into, its not hard for me to get guys wanting to have sex with me.

I don't see that as having it "easier" because unlike you, sex isn't the be all end all of everything.

Well, Erisad certainly had more dates than Toad and she has a bf . She wouldn't even consider to date TOS.

umm, sorry , I was just thinking loud!

first, i think it's dumb and counterproductive to argue (or even speculate) about which gender has it worse. second, if one is going to do that anyhow, the distinction should be made of "who has a worse time getting their specific needs met." but, again, really it's counterproductive.

arguing that an easier time of acquiring sex makes things easier misses the point (of what satisfies those who are not out just for sex, and also what further complications can arise from being approached for sex) entirely. how do men have it easier? i don't see any generalization about what it might be thrown about so much, but whatever someone would imagine it might be, it probably misses the point too.

we're socially impaired, and in one way or another, we all have a raw deal. individually, how that manifests can be very different.

i don't think it's even categorically "male problems" vs. "female problems" because there will always be those of both genders who defy the stereotypes.

it's all kind of moot.

it just keeps coming up because a lot of people are frustrated by not being able to figure out how to get their needs met, whatever they are, and they need to vent their frustrations about it - their problems are bigger (to them) than the next guy's (or girl's). i think all of us that have relationship / sex problems feel this way.

It is a matter of personal interest (and much bitterness), and also of lots of arguing on here, so I wanted to address it.



I don't particularly like the "hookup scene" either because it is mostly based around people who are very social and treats sex as a mindless, impersonal, primitive activity. But I would like lots of sex, and while there are certain ways in which I could benefit from relationships that go beyond sex, I would REALLY like to be able to find some sex without having to work at building a relationship every time.



But I spend a LOT of time thinking about what life circumstances women, who ARE primarily motivated by sex to approach guys, face, and what kinds of problems and advantages are unique to them.

i'm not such a woman but i can guess what usually happens is they aren't taken seriously outside of someone's bed. but sure, maybe they can find one-off partners more easily.

there's a gaping double standard about this.

I think it's same for NTs , that's why women get married earlier than guys.

Of course, here I am talking only about having a relationship ,not about maintenance and duties.

hale has a point tho, all this competition of who has it easier in this and that is useless.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Nov 2010, 3:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

also - why spend so much time pondering that? (oops - i mean what i quoted in my last post. i didn't realize i'd been intercepted by boo ..)

instead, why not think about what women (or the women that are relevant to your situation, the ones you know, etc) actually want?

i think a big problem for a lot of us is focusing too much on what we want to the exclusion of someone else's satisfaction that we might get involved with.

if you're not making yourself and your partner happy, it's not going to work out ultimately.

You have a good way of summing it up. How on earth can you compare who has it easier when everyone has completely different wants?

I have never focused on what I want. I know what I want but I can't afford be that focused on that >

I am always wondering what she might wants!

Sorry but these types of discussions seem pointless because it implies a quantification of the pros and cons of being a woman or man. Even so each "pro" or "con" would be valued differently by each individual let alone by each group of men/women. And I agree with what others have said, what's the point. But then again, there are plenty of things I obsess about that have no point. Just my two sense??? or cents???

cents

These are gross generalisations to the point where the stereotypes you create are unrealistic.



Source?



So women who are autistic have male brains by default? Yeah right.


Except that they won't have to worry about their potential partner being a rapist, and probably lots of other things I can't think of at this hour of the night.



What? Where are you getting this from?

Generalizations, but also quite true. How many men on here are distraught over not being able to do so much as make out with a woman? And how many women on here have thee same problem with men? There are some, in fact there has been one woman who said she's been ignored by guys for her entire life so far, but they are clearly in the minority compared to the women who have had at least one sexual relationship, even if it were so bad they stopped looking for more.



The comment about the male brain is in the "Aspie women and relationships-our struggles" thread, and the part where I say "if I'm any indication"--well that's coming from the way my own attraction works.



I'm not saying all autistic women are like this, I'm saying off the ones who are...



OK, that too.



Just an exercise in perspective taking, trying to figure out how a woman would fare in the world if her emotions worked like mine.