its all new to me

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im an aspie guy and im dating a NT(?) girl (we met online and have been chatting for the last 2(3?) weeks and have already been on a date that started out a bit awkward but turned out VERY well) in any case im not sure but she might be an aspie also she exhibited some characteristics of aspergers ok that's beside the point and doesn't relay mater yet
this is the most serious relationship i have ever been in and up until now i haven't really had much interest in girls or even relationships and i really like her and she seems to return the feelings (instant messaging is so much easier to read someones emotions no pun intended)i trust her quite a bit but i still feel a bit paranoid about the whole thing (like i said this is all new territory to me)
ok that should cover enough background

so the question is how long should i wait before asking her to be my girlfriend because i do like her a lot i might add more later
and sorry for writing so much i just thought the information is relevant

It seems to me that this is largely age-dependent. If you're in junior high, I guess you just ask her. (That's what I remember anyway.) If you're an adult, then you really don't ask her. You kind of grow into a mutual understanding, such that when it comes time to talk about it, she's probably *already* your girlfriend. (I hope that makes sense.)

Just as an aside, any reason that you (and countless other people on this forum) choose not to disclose your age? Not that it's a requirement or even somehow an expectation, but it would sure help a lot in getting to know one another.

i guess i forgot one detail im 19 and shes 20
i dont have any reservation about disclosing my age i just forgot

Don't rush it. Give it two-three dates and see where you're going from there. Most of all, enjoy it.

I agree -- don't rush this. Asking, "will you be my girlfriend?" after *one* date is way too soon. You may like her an awful lot. Just enjoy those feelings for now -- and all the mystery. If after several dates (or 10 or 15) you guys are still as crazy about each other as you are now, that's your time.

And maybe not so formal? This isn't a marriage proposal. It's not going to be that black and white. If the time comes to bring it up, maybe something along the lines of, "You know, we've been having so much fun together, and we get along so well, I'm really starting to think about you as my girlfriend." That gives her some options to express how she's feeling. "Will you be my girlfriend?" allows for a "yes" or a "no" or a "I don't know -- I'll think about it" and not much else. People generally don't want to be put on the spot to answer questions like that -- especially when they're limited to more-or-less a multiple choice type answer.

Good luck!

At 19/20, you're past the point of specifically asking her to be your girlfriend. What's ironic is that being "too mature" to ask almost always leads to a bunch of ret*d awkwardness that *would* be better solved by simply asking "Will you be my girlfriend?" -- but that's just not how the world works.

As others mentioned, what you want to work toward is an unspoken understanding that you're seeing each other exclusively. You'll eventually have the DTR -- "Define The Relationship" -- talk. It's a talk that every "adult" couple has, whether they realize it or not. The DTR is almost never a straight-up talk...sometimes it's just the guy or gal saying they're glad the other's their girlfriend/boyfriend and then holding their breath...and sometimes it's a huge fight because the guy's casually introduced the woman he's been dating for MONTHS as his "friend."

In other words, it's almost always awkward and uncomfortable...and you ESPECIALLY don't wanna be that last guy.

What I'd advise is that when you get to the point of dating exclusively and you actually want to know if she's officially your girlfriend, initiate the DTR yourself by telling her that you referred to her as your girlfriend earlier in the day.. Tell her you were singing her praises to some guy friend of yours and that you called her your "girlfriend," and then express a little bit of guilt about 'claiming' her that way without even asking her permission or whatever.

If she smiles and says "Of course!" just smile and kiss her or whatever and your DTR is more or less finished with minimal awkwardness.

+1

I like this suggestion a *whole* lot.

thanks a lot guys your tips are very helpful like i said its been a long time since ive had a date much less strong feelings towards anyone its all very new to me any other suggestions are welcome i didnt even realize there was something like the DTR talk
i never had any one in my life to teach me about dating the closest being sex ed /health class in school lol

she seems to expect me to be a dominate male but it doesn't really fit my personality im more the type "i would like to do this but ill be happy to go and do what ever you want " and its true there are very few activities im not willing to do. does any one have suggestions on what i should do about this its weird because we both seem to have the same passive personality

What's happened to bring you to the conclusion that she wants you to be "a dominant male?"

I ask because if it's just a matter of the two of you going "What do you want to do?"..."Uhhh, I dunno, what do you want to do?"...."Uhhhh, I dunno, what do YOU want to do?" -- then she may just want someone decisive to compliment her indecisiveness. There is, afterall, a pretty wide gulf between wanting someone who's willing to be so bold as to pick the restaurant ( ) versus getting excited over someone DOMINATING you ( ).

Anyway...what happened, exactly? Why do you feel this way?

i guess decisive would be the correct word rather than dominant. or more like the stereotype of an NT male

Ok, so now you've refined your perception a bit....but you still didn't answer my question.

What happened to cause you to feel that way?

oh sorry
im not sure it just feels that way when we are out together like she wants(waits for) me to initiate activities and ideas on where to go

Ok.. That makes more sense.

The fact that you answered a direct question with "I'm not sure" and that you're using phrases like "she seems" and "it feels" and so forth indicates that this has nothing to do with her applying any kind of actual pressure at all.. What's most likely happening is that you're scared to death of those awkward, nothing-to-do moments because you're afraid they'll eventually lead her to boredom and perhaps cause her to seek out someone more fun than you.. So, naturally, you're feeling a lot of pressure to make sure she's happy, and having a good time.

That seems like pretty normal guy stuff, actually. Primal, even.. It just means you really like her and want to make sure you're keeping her happy so as not to lose her to the competition.

Having said that, here's your comforting thought of the day -- she may very well be having the same concerns. She may be sitting there thinking "This guy probably thinks I'm SOOOO boring, and he's probably going to find some hot girl to party with and leave me flat and ..."

So, just put a little faith in mutual insecurity for the time being...that should help in the short run.

Now...what I'm thinking here in terms of an overall strategy is putting your fear of the awkwardness to discussion in a way that makes her understand that she's really important to you. It's going to be tricky, though.. You can't really just hang yourself with something like "You probably think I'm the most boring guy ever" and expect her to come cut you down, because then it looks like you're fishing for pity which is LAME and a huge turn-off to women. And you can't just break the silence humorously with "Well, this is awkward!" because if she's also feeling insecure about her own role in the awkwardness, she'll probably get REALLY insecure.. You're going to have to find a way to convey to her that you're feeling pressure to be better at this...for her.

Ahhhh, yes...see how that works? And the best part is -- it's absolutely true!

If I were you, I'd probably wait for one of those "What do you want to do?...uhhhh..." moments, let it get *slightly* awkward, then very lightheartedly say something like "I really wish I were better at this kinda thing." Say it with a smile and a laugh, though -- don't let her think you're fishing for an "Awwww, it's OK" or whatever.....actually, the response you're shooting for here is something along the lines of "What do you mean?" Or whatever...just try to say it in such a way that she'll ask for clarification.

Even if she DOES say "Aww, it's OK" or "You're doing fine" or whatever, what you're going to work toward next is a straight-up admission that you like her a lot, and that you wish you were better at figuring out stuff to do because you want her to have a good time...and that all you really want is for her to be happy.

If you do it right, she'll melt like butter. If you do it *flawlessly*, I see the potential for it to actually determine what you're going to that night.



But seriously...do you get the gist of what I'm saying here?

yes i do and thanks a lot for your advice ive known for a while about WP but never had any aspie related questions until now and i thank you very much for your advice

I think the big question is: have you had sex with her yet?

If not, then she's not your girlfriend yet (unless she's a virgin and really inexperienced). Date her for at least a few more weeks (go on many dates) and bang it out a few times. If you think you love her, then ask her if she wants to try a relationship with you.