Special Relationship Rules (Last Post)

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

ci
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,546
Location: Humboldt County, California

09 Dec 2010, 3:39 am

I actually cannot post any more on this site after this post as aside from some study in public relation on autism matters I had to do for my autism advocacy job I can only have one interest at a time and this site is to distracting. I must move on and likely will not be back unless for specific reasons.

---

I am to begin a potential relationship and since the people on this site know things generically about my brain already you might be best to advise. I would like to make sure the lady is going to understand that if I am unable to stop focusing on an interest her emotions are not hurt. Or she finds ways to trigger a transition to her attention so she is not upset.

So in order to create a healthy relationship what kind of relationship rules do you think should be imposed to create this understanding. Like for instance some women like cuddling and other attention and if I do not think of doing these things it would be appropriate to tell the person to just tell me and forgive the single mindedness? This person I am to go on a date with also has disabilities and I am not sure if it is autism or not. I am an absent minded person that does not have typical relationships as seen in the movies or like people describe to do.

Here is my best attempt at the rules.

1. If it is on your mind and you think I should know it already say it even if again.

2. Ask for attention.

3. I am very focused on things and make me aware of other things to do.

This should be acceptable? I think this is all that is possible so if it is very badly perceived then I am not sure. I had to end my first relationship with a lady as she required so much understanding that was not clearly spoken and she would become very sad but she is happy now.

Nathan Young



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

09 Dec 2010, 1:47 pm

ci wrote:
I actually cannot post any more on this site after this post as aside from some study in public relation on autism matters I had to do for my autism advocacy job I can only have one interest at a time and this site is to distracting. I must move on and likely will not be back unless for specific reasons.

---

I am to begin a potential relationship and since the people on this site know things generically about my brain already you might be best to advise. I would like to make sure the lady is going to understand that if I am unable to stop focusing on an interest her emotions are not hurt. Or she finds ways to trigger a transition to her attention so she is not upset.

So in order to create a healthy relationship what kind of relationship rules do you think should be imposed to create this understanding. Like for instance some women like cuddling and other attention and if I do not think of doing these things it would be appropriate to tell the person to just tell me and forgive the single mindedness? This person I am to go on a date with also has disabilities and I am not sure if it is autism or not. I am an absent minded person that does not have typical relationships as seen in the movies or like people describe to do.

Here is my best attempt at the rules.

1. If it is on your mind and you think I should know it already say it even if again.

2. Ask for attention.

3. I am very focused on things and make me aware of other things to do.

This should be acceptable? I think this is all that is possible so if it is very badly perceived then I am not sure. I had to end my first relationship with a lady as she required so much understanding that was not clearly spoken and she would become very sad but she is happy now.

Nathan Young

you cannot force someone to understand you through the imposition of rules. all you can do is explain your situation and tendencies and hope that she will be considerate. if she is not considerate, then no rules will ever make her accommodate you either. she would just end up resenting you for making rules like that.

i think it is important to remember that relationships involve two people, and every successful relationship requires accommodation from both people in some ways. that will involve discussions and sometimes arguments, but rules can potentially create a very bad environment.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


ci
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,546
Location: Humboldt County, California

09 Dec 2010, 3:39 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km9pidMdCZA[/youtube]

Maybe rules is a bad word. Maybe it could be called healthy relationship guide. People regardless of gender seem to have complex emotion that cannot be if interpreted very easily and of course I am not a psychic. Therefore if I am honest and I desire for good emotion with helpful hints (previously known as rules) then it might be better off.

I think I like bonding, I am not against it. Just my focus is hard to stop and this can cause problems.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

09 Dec 2010, 3:49 pm

ci wrote:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km9pidMdCZA[/youtube

Maybe rules is a bad word. Maybe it could be called healthy relationship guide. People regardless of gender seem to have complex emotion that cannot be if interpreted very easily and of course I am not a psychic. Therefore if I am honest and I desire for good emotion with helpful hints (previously known as rules) then it might be better off.

I think I like bonding, I am not against it. Just my focus is hard to stop and this can cause problems.

i believe it is quite dangerous to even create a relationship guide before you are fully in the relationship. such a guide is not universal to every individual, and until you know her own needs and expectations, it could kill a budding relationship to impose any guidelines.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


ci
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,546
Location: Humboldt County, California

09 Dec 2010, 4:03 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrZHPOeOxQQ[/youtube]

Based upon my experience which is limited as I do not have inter-personal relationships often it is not in the beginning that these emotional complexities are most present. After the initial rigor of introduction there is then a consistent evolution of a relationship. One girl friend after the first had her own focuses and I had my own and so there was not a greatly relevant interpersonal requirement of hidden requirements. Hence depending upon the other individual which I can be picky I suppose these guidelines would help them love more or given the facts of how I am the relationship would have to end and I would have to make sure her emotions are better off and not be mean.

To say I can or will for certain develop multiple focuses but would be a lie and superficial. I think the lady I am going to go on a date with has had a crush on me for over 2- years and I don't think based on what I know of her would really have a problem with it. Both she and I are kind of shy but I do not know her like I would if I was living with her day to day. I just don't know a whole bunch other then the stereotypical evolutionary traits of humans about the emotion stuff in-depth. I don't wish to upset anyone. Always things to learn.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

09 Dec 2010, 9:46 pm

okay, well, if you are certain that she would find the idea acceptable, then the better approach would be to create a set of guidelines together. that way you are not imposing your requirements on her, but instead creating a mutual agreement of sorts. your list does not take her feelings or needs into consideration, so she probably would want to have some input.

on a more basic level, i've been in a bunch of relationships... and if someone wanted to suggest a set of guidelines to me at the outset i would have definitely broken off the relationship before it even started.

tread very carefully.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


ci
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,546
Location: Humboldt County, California

09 Dec 2010, 10:27 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtf2N3irOes[/youtube]

I have no choice but to be picky and it is in the best interest of the common human emotions everyone has regardless of gender. If I am unable to compliment the emotional well being of an individual it is ethical for me to attempt to formulate legitimate concerns not necessary written at first but as it progresses. I am learning as I go and this new potential relationship happened without much effort.

In a superficial sphere what I said would sound weird but in the sphere that matters for instance I think it is "cool".

Nathan Young