OP, I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say, but I hope you consider it: the solution to this problem is beyond your capabilities, influence and control.
If you think about what you’ve written in your post, I think you’ll start to see my point. You’ve already tried everything you can think of: cajoling, rewarding, threatening, sympathizing, accommodating, etc., etc. Unfortunately none of it worked - because you can’t heal another person’s psychological and emotional wounds. You can’t give him self-esteem; you can’t “lift him up”; you can’t change him (even when you want to unselfishly change someone for the better – you still can’t change another person).
Unless and until resolving these issues becomes his priority, I’m afraid nothing will change. He has to face the trauma and heal it. He has to work through the complex emotional and psychological problems that spring from childhood abuse. There’s just no substitute for doing the work.
Unfortunately, there are obstacles he’ll have to overcome. Men often have very, very negative attitudes about therapy, or dealing with emotional and psychological issues. (Sorry for the generalization, but I think its true.) There’s a stigma attached to it, that I believe is related to a perception of weakness, e.g., a real man doesn’t need help solving his problems. Of course, the reality is that it takes a lot more courage to face your problems than to hide from them, but logic doesn’t necessarily enter into the equation.
Additionally, when you’re raised by people who abuse you, you tend to seek out partners who will abuse you. As screwed up as that seems, it’s true. When the people who provide your identity teach you that love and abuse go hand-in-hand, it’s a very, very difficult lesson to un-learn. If an abuse victim happens to find a partner who is not an abuser, the victim will often sabotage the relationship. (Which is, IMO, what’s happening to you.) It’s not a lack of love or appreciation or dissatisfaction with the non-abusing partner that prompts the sabotage….it’s that the lack of abuse doesn’t feel “authentic” to the abuse victim. It doesn’t feel like “home” – it doesn’t reinforce the message they carry with them into every situation: that they’re defective and deserve to be treated like garbage.
Asperger’s adds another layer of complexity to your situation. Aspies have issues processing stress - they’re not able to deal with it like NTs do. From what I’ve seen and read, stress seems to accumulate in a much more linear way for Aspies. For example, you and I might have a stressful day, but a decent evening and/or a good night’s sleep will kind of “reset” our stress level back to normal. For an Aspie (and this is my understanding, so feel free to correct and/or amplify this explanation, Aspies), stress tends to build, one stressor on top of another, kind of like water heating in a tea kettle. How far an Aspie will allow the stress to build seems to be very dependent on each individual Aspie. For some, the tea kettle boils until the whistle starts screaming, a.k.a., a meltdown. Other Aspies seems to be able to vent the stress more quickly and more often (by performing stress relieving activities), and are able to largely avoid meltdowns.
But the problem is that your relationship may be a considerable source of stress for your Aspie, if only because you’re a constant reminder that there’s something wrong – and it’s his problem. I don’t say that in an accusatory way – I don’t mean to infer that you’re some kind of harpy, constantly nagging him about his low self-esteem. It’s just that his self-handicapping behaviors are a source of trouble in the relationship, and a constant reminder that: he has low self-esteem (and all of the reasons he has low self-esteem); he doesn’t deserve you (at least that’s how he feels); he’s not dealing with the problem. IMO, that level of stress – and his unwillingness and/or inability to deal with the issues causing it – is probably at the heart of his constant offers to leave. He doesn’t want to leave because he doesn’t love you, value you, etc. It’s because of the dissonance caused by someone like yourself (a non-abuser who thinks he’s an awesome guy) actually wanting to be with him, and his inability to reconcile the value you see in him with his crappy, abused self-image.
Sooooo…..sorry for delving into this psychological stuff so deeply, but I think you need to realize that ultimately, this is not your problem to solve. He needs to take responsibility for his own psychological and emotional health and well being. You can get self-help books if you’d like, but he’s going to have to be the one to read them. And in order to read them, he’s going to have to admit that there is a solution to his problem – and that he holds the key. It’s all up to him, OP. As maddening and difficult as that is, it’s true.
So the question you have to ask yourself is, if he doesn’t change, are you willing to stay? I get the impression that you genuinely love this man, and I also have a feeling that if he were making forward progress of any type, your commitment to him would be open-ended. (Maybe that’s some projection on my part, but I don’t suppose you would be surfing the internet for solutions if you weren’t in it for the long haul.) But what if he’s not making forward progress, and what if he won’t make “progress” a priority in his life? How long can you tolerate the situation? What if he finally melts down and dumps you, just to remove the stress? I say this not to upset you, but to get you to see what you’re up against. Unfortunately, love is not enough to fix your relationship, or your man. I know it feels like it should be, but if love were enough to heal these type of wounds, there would hardly be any wounded people around. If you stay with him, you have to accept him, and all the consequences of who he is. You can always try an ultimatum, but IMO, that’s always a crapshoot. Unfortunately, I don’t have the secret to how to make a man (or woman) want to address his issues – even when you want him to address them only so you can have a happy, healthy relationship. You also can’t forget that he may not be the only person with something to learn here….sometimes you have no choice but to walk away. As heartbreaking as that decision may be, it would likely be better than staying and resenting him for being the way he is, and for not doing what’s necessary to change. I really do feel for you hon, and I’m sorry you have to go through this...it’s an absolute b!tch.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
20 Nov 2010, 5:13 pm
